Susan Rose ... the Prequel

Do you ever read your old journal entries and think … wow, I wrote that? Sometimes it’s that you don’t remember the details of the drama of the day. My friend Katie tells a favorite story of reading her old college journals, turning the pages unable to wait to see what would happen next! A good reminder when we’re embroiled in our current dramas. Perspective.

Sometimes it’s something semi-profound that you’re surprised came from your own pen. I just had one of those moments. I’ve been asked to contribute to a book with reflections by young adult catholics. I’m writing, no surprise, from the perspective of one discerning a vocation. So I was looking back at my journal from when I first started admitting to myself there might be something to this whole thing. For one thing I’m so grateful to myself for writing during that time. And boy did I write. I went through 6 journals in one year!!! It’s slowed down a bit now that I’m blogging. And more at peace and less in turmoil than in those first days.

In any case I thought I’d share you all with an oldie but goody journal entry from before my blogging days. My very own version of a prequel if you will.

I am realizing this is one important step, a starting place, but it is just that. Am I ready for what I think this discernment will mean? Not just coming to terms with my issues with the church, such as its treatment of women. Not just the questions of how to find the community for me. Not just the question of how to get out of debt. Not just how to communicate this possibility to those who love me. But more. Am I really prepared to trust in God? Am I really prepared to start on this path to finding, loving and accepting my authentic self? Can I truly understand and accept God’s love and love others in return? Big questions. Big steps. But at the moment, this feels like the right spot on which to lean forward and ever so gently extend my foot and jump onto the path. Steady myself. Look around. See that I’m still me. That I’m still standing. Right now, at 8:05 pm on May 7, 2004 I can honestly say yes to this beginning and know that God will keep me safe and guide me on my way. Wow.

Wow indeed. Thanks earlier Susan. I needed to be reminded of that moment. And for the record – I’m still standing. And I’m still me. In fact, I think I may be just a little more really me. Amazing.