Time to make the donuts ... or write a thesis

This morning I woke up early (for me), ready to start the day with this thought: "Time to make the donuts."

For those of you who were around in the 80s, this is of course the tag line of a series of commercials for a certain donut chain.  Every day, Fred the Baker would wake up bright and early and head out the door to make the donuts.

Given that I need to get my thesis done in pretty quick order during the next 3 months, while simultaneously preparing for my comprehensive exams, I'm not surprised this bit of pop culture popped into my subconscious. I've got a pretty rigorous research, writing and study plan.

And TODAY is the day I switch from research to actually writing the first chapter.  Hence, today is the first of many days when it is "time to write the thesis."

Anne Shirley Moments

If you know about kindred spirits, the Rollings Reliable Baking Powder Company and the dangers of currant wine, then this post will make sense.

Sometimes I find myself having Anne Shirley moments.

It might be when my mouth and brain conspire to get ahead of common sense and I say that thing I am actually thinking rather than what should be said in public.

It might be when I spend an afternoon talking about nothing with a good friend, or curl up with a good book, and all is right with the world.

Or it could be like today, when I should be busy about many things, but find myself stopping on a park bench during my morning walk to gaze out at the lake where the sun is making the water glimmer in spots, the birds are playing with the wind, and the waves are quite literally dancing. If Anne Shirley were here, no doubt she would christen Lake Michigan today the "Lake of Dancing Waters."

Sometimes I have Anne Shirley moments, which are really Susan moments, because life is best lived when you let your attention be caught by beauty, make time to soak in the company of kindred spirits, and above all remember that tomorrow is always fresh without any mistakes in it.

Shining the Lights

Many moons ago, in the early days of this blog, I wrote a little post about the application process for entering the formation process with the Sisters. And, as part of that process, I visited a priest psychologist at a local parish (who happened to be an internationally recognized expert) who did a behavioral assessment for the benefit of the community I hoped to join.

And, after the 3 hours spent answering intimate and personal questions, I went outside to my car to drive the hour and a half back home, and .... my car battery had died.  It had been foggy when I had arrived on windy country roads and I'd left my lights on. I had to take a deep breath, suck in my pride, and head back inside to find someone to help me. As it happened, I wandered the halls of the parish until I found the same priest psychologist who found the parish maintenance man (on his lunch) who helped me jump my car.

Well .... today I will have the opportunity to "look behind the hood" of the process! To shine the lights on how the questions he asked are relevant to the potential to life religious life.

Because you see ... I'm starting a workshop with the SAME priest psychologist on how to do a behavioral assessment with candidates for religious life.

Funny the paths life takes!

Writing and Muppets

I was prompted recently to ponder the following question: am I a writer, or do I simply write?

This was prompted by a few interactions with people in real life who are also readers of my blog. It was also prompted by the fact that an article I wrote for Horizon, the journal of the National Religious Vocation Conference, won a Catholic Press Award. Plus there's the fact that I have a monthly column on the Global Sisters Report.

And this blog. .... So maybe it seems like a super silly question. I write because I have this creative energy and desire to put thoughts and feelings to words in ways that might touch other people and inspire their own creative energy and desires.  Of course I realize that people actually read some of what I write, but at the same time it's easy to forget that fact when you are writing in a bubble.

It's always strange when you meet someone who you know nothing about who knows an awful lot about you! Or at least the public version of you and your thoughts.

In any case, this question has been knocking around in my brain the past week or so, accompanied by the song from the Muppet Movie, Man or Muppet:


 Although, in my case, the words I've been singing in my head are:

I look into these eyes
and I don't recognize
the one I see inside.
It's time for me to decide:
Am I a writer or do I just write?
(Do I just write?)

Silly, I know, but so is so much of what goes through my head, truth be told.

More and more, I realize how much I love to write and how I've had tremendous opportunities of late to write things that not only have an audience, but that seem to be helpful to people. It's become part of my minx of ministry, really, and that is very cool, ... whether I'm a writer or just someone who writes.

Something silly

My rambunctious hat and
preposterous shoes

I find that when I spend some time in solitude and silence, eventually the silly comes. Usually unbeaconed. One such moment on retreat resulted in this poem.

"Pink Shoes"

When I am alone
in the wild
I can wear my preposterous pink shoes
and my rambunctious floppy hat.

I could always wear them
I suppose
but it is more fun alone.

I can trudge up the
so very steep hill,
full throttle,
sweating and out of breath
[I can stop if I want]

I can turn my walking stick
into a baton
and
twirl.
[Hold on a minute, that's a good idea. Let's pause and I'll do just that.]

I can sit and swing on the hilltop
alone
and unafraid
with you.

Final Week

It is the final week of the semester, my final week of courses for my MA degree (still have comprehensive exams and thesis to look forward to next year so not yet finished). That means that this final paper for my last MA class that I made myself stop researching for last night must get written this week, preferably before Thursday.

Which means that this is what I should look like for the next two days (If I looked like Jim Carey that is):

But I'm afraid the experience is going to be more like this:

Blog Silence

Hey there people who still read this blog. Sorry for the blog silence. January has been busy. -50 degree temperatures. Visits from my big sister and her kids and now my big brother and his oldest. And Latin. Lots and lots of Latin.  I'm taking a J-Term intensive course in Latin as part of my program requirements, since I'm supposed to be able to laboriously read original Latin sources like Aquinas or Augustine .... with the use of a dictionary of course!  All is going well. It is just very, very time consuming.

In other news, I have discovered that my personality matches Dumbledore and Obi-Wan, so all is well with the world. ;)

Otherwise, not much to report. Just thought I'd check in on the blog in the hopes that it gets me back in a bloggy mood!

Home Vacation & Family Time

It's the longest night of the year. I decided to cozy up today in true Christmas vacation fashion and finish a (non-theology) book ... Longbourn by Jo Baker, a creative take on the lives of the servants in Pride and Prejudice.

Of course, many items on my vacation to-do list were also beckoning. I realized the other day that when one says yes to lots of little projects and commitments, they pile up rather quickly! This is true in my case anyway. So these days of winter break from school will also necessarily involve a variety of projects, mostly editing, a little writing and research.

But it's a balance.  Monday I'm planning to have some quality father-daughter time. Christmas Eve will be a quiet Susan prayer day. Christmas morning with my little nephew, big sis and brother-in-law (that's where Santa fills my stocking these days!). Christmas afternoon with my Dad at his retirement facility. Then more family fun the day after Christmas when my oldest sister and three nieces descend on Chicago for a week.

Classes start January 6th (ecclesial Latin) so in between now and then will be a mix of family, quiet down time, and whittling away at my many projects.

While I'm at it, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish each of you, dear readers, a blessed last few days of Advent and a very merry Christmas!

Peace

Yes and No ... a reflection

As I've gotten to know myself over the past 41 years, I've come to realize that I am at my best when I live out of a spirit of generosity.  A key part of the journey that led me to my particular vocation as a Sister of St. Joseph of Peace was a conversation with a wise priest friend who helped me to realize how much I am called to share and use my gifts in service of God and God's people in need. It is when I am operating out of that central call that I am most fulfilled, and I think that is when I am the most "me" God calls me to be.  It is also when I am operating generously from that call that I tap into the well of gifts that God has given me.  It seems to be at those times that I shift from a relatively intelligent, articulate and organized person to a highly skilled and effective one. I'm often surprised at what I'm able to accomplish!

Yet, I've also come to realize that "yes" is not always the most generous answer.  Sometimes I might be tempted to say yes because it seems like such a great opportunity, or because it would fill such a great need, or because the person who asks is so very nice.  Yet, if the invitation comes on top of many other invitations, or if I have already committed my energy, time, and resources to other equally great opportunities, or if my plate is just feeling generally overfull at the moment, then in justice to myself and to others it might just be best to say "no" this time. This of course takes prayer, discernment, honesty, and conversation--with myself, with God, with community. And, let's face it, it's also not always easy to say 'no.'

Sometimes it is important to spend some time in reflection with all the pushes and pulls on your time, resources, talents, and energy. One wise piece of advice I got from a spiritual mentor a few years ago was to write it all down on your calendar, perhaps even color-coded.  What do you spend your time doing? What are your major commitments and priorities? What is your time for prayer, community, fun, and self-care?  While it's not always possible to arrive at the "perfect balance,"--some times in our lives will be busier than others--it is important to be intentional with our time and energy.  When pondering a new invitation, pay attention to the mix already present in your life.

All this is a long way to say that I'm feeling particularly busy at the moment and a wee bit overwhelmed. I'm working on self-care, recommitting time to prayer, getting ready to spend some time with community, attending to my present responsibilities.  Hence, I've just said no to a pretty cool opportunity.

How do you balance all the pushes and pulls for your time, energy, and talents?

Transitions

I realized that I have not been keeping up with the blog very well the past few weeks.  That's usually a sign that I'm having a hard enough time keeping up with what's what in my own daily life that I don't really have much time to stop and reflect on it myself, let alone share the fruits of that reflection with my virtual community here on the blog!

So what's been keeping me busy these days?  Let's fall back to the old standby, the unordered list (I do not like calling the little dotted list by the name that also corresponds to violent instruments used in weapons):

• School started.  I'm taking a full courseload of very challenging and interesting classes on topics ranging from Holocaust & Genocide to Medical Ethics to Spiritual Classics of the Early Church to Religious Life for the 21st Century.  There's a lot of reading and it's all interesting, so that keeps my brain very busy.  Once again I'm also blessed with great faculty and a diverse learning community which adds to the richness of this experience.
• Last week I helped my Dad move to Chicago.  I've been engaged in long distance parental care for the past 13 years or so in collaboration with my four siblings.  The family finally agreed after my Dad's recent health challenges that it makes more sense for him to be close to family.  My sister Monica is here in Chicago and I'm here for school for a couple more years, so Dad moved here which is the best possible scenario.
• While it's a very good thing to have him close by, the move itself was full of lots of planning details, physical labor, and more than a little bit of anxiety.  Moving is always a big source of stress, and this is no less true when you are almost 80.  I'm realizing that I've been carrying a lot of the stress as well.
• It's also a challenge to shift from long distance care to an-hour-away-by-bus care.  A good challenge, but in the midst of this grad student's schedule it is a bit of an adjustment and calls on my time management and organizational skills.  

There's more, but that's the gist of what's been keeping me preoccupied.  I managed to get all of my reading done just before class this week, but now it's time to start again!  There's also such amazing food for thought in the issues I am grappling with this semester, I'm hoping that I have time to let some of the ideas mingle and ruminate and maybe, just maybe, merge together for the beginning of a thesis topic. We shall see how that one goes.

In any case, this is certainly a time of transition just as we transition in North America from summer into fall.  My guess is many of you are in a time of transition as well.  Remember to be gentle with you.

Peace

Susan

Resting

Sorry for the blog silence.  I've been attacked by my (seemingly) annual summer cold which has knocked me out of commission.  Happily while I've got some major deadlines on several writing projects looming, this week was fairly free in my schedule so I've been able to rest, drink plenty of fluids, and rest some more.  We're on day 4 and I'm starting to lose my voice, which generally means dawn should break soon and I will feel better.  I was hoping that was today, but no, not quite yet. So it's another day of rest for me.

I'm headed to a conference next week where I will need to talk to lots of people (I'm running an exhibit booth for Giving Voice). So even though I am not being productive these days (unless one looks at healing as productivity!), hopefully by resting now I'll be able to be productive next week.  And able to talk.  Having a voice to talk about Giving Voice would be a good thing!

On the good news front, I have been making excellent progress on a somewhat ugly blanket I've been knitting since the winter!  My brain can't really process information enough to finish my writing projects, but as a repetitive motion knitting is keeping me occupied.

Hope all my bloggy friends are well and enjoying the summer!  Stay well!!

Clutter

Before I left for my trip to visit our Sisters in the UK, my life was a bit of a whirlwind, end of semester style. I was finishing projects on my to do list literally up to the minute I had to lock up and head downstairs to my airport shuttle.

One thing anyone who has lived with me knows is that when life gets busy for me, the clutter piles up. You have to cut back somewhere, right?

In any case, to make a long story short, I finally had a good chunk of time yesterday to clear some of the clutter. What a joy it was to open my eyes and see the clear space on the floor and even the clean dusted quality of the little table in my prayer space.

Sometimes we just need to stop and take the time to declutter our lives. I think that goes for the spiritual life too.

While I was in the UK I spent a week of retreat in contemplative prayer and dialogue with with my Sisters. The entire experience was one big graced moment, but perhaps the most significant was sitting in silent prayer together.

Sometimes words can get in the way for me, a type of clutter of their own. Yet the silence is always there, waiting. So in addition to deluttering my room, I am also making the comittment (again) to clear some space for silent sitting with God as part of my regular prayer practice.

Where do you need to clear and away clutter and make space in your life?

(Almost) 41 year old me to 20 year old me

My nephew (the baby in this 1992 family photo) turns 22 today. I was 20 when this photo was taken (I'm the one with the glasses).  This crazy realization got me thinking about my 20 year old self verses my (almost) 41 year old self.

Yes I have more grey hairs, wrinkles, scars, and some extra pounds.  Yet I also have much less anxiety which weighs you down more than you'd ever know unless you have had anxiety as a travelling companion in life on a regular basis.

When this photo was taken I was finishing up my sophomore year in college, studying political science.  I had no idea what I would be doing with my life when I graduated.  I ended up of course with an 11 year stint as a bureaucrat before making the unexpected leap and entering religious life. Now I'm studying Theology and Ethics. I have no idea what I'll be doing with my life "career" wise.  What I do know is that I am a Sister of St. Joseph of Peace and my life and community will be rooted and grounded in that reality for the rest of my life. That my friends is a wonderful feeling, even if there are many unkowns up ahead.

I'm wearing my first pair of eye glasses in this photo.  I've had many prescriptions since as my eye sight has shifted and worsened.  Truth be told I now need a reading prescription in addition to corrective lenses.  But in many ways, I see the world much clearer now. My lived experience to date, the things I've learned and the people I've been honored to meet have given me a much better understanding of the world, systems, etc... Yet, I also know and accept that really I do not know much of anything.

The me in this photo wasn't so sure about God or that Jesus guy.  She'd given up on organized religion as unable to answer her questions and complicit in much of the suffering in the world.  The me writing these words today still has questions, more probably, and still has problems with suffering in the world.  But I also realize that for me at least it makes more sense to bring my questions to community, to share and hold that messy tension with others and to open my heart to God and God's people. Do I have all the answers? By no means.  But the life of faith is less about knowing or believing in my experience and more about risking and vulnerability and joy and wonder and awe.

20 year old me would probably fall on the floor laughing or snort her exacerbation at 41 year old me.  Yet here I am, wondering what 60 year old me will think about  (almost) 41 year old me in a few more decades.  Time certainly does pass quickly!

End of the Semester ... Summer Begins

Well folks, believe it or not the semester is finished, and along with it my first year of study at Catholic Theological Union!  It's been a great year and time has really flown by. I've been able to study and research incredible and important topics from human rights abuse to racism, climate change to reconciliation.  I've really appreciated being a little bit older as a 40 year old grad student with some life experience to bring into the academic mix (even if the 40 year old state of my little grey cells makes studying a little challenging!)

It's officially summer now in terms of the academic calendar, however, which means a little break!  I'm staying based in Chicago this summer but have a variety of exciting things on the horizon, mostly all religious life related.

Next week I head to spend a couple of weeks in the UK with my religious community, first for a community retreat and then to spend some time with our novitiate community which is now in London.

In July I head west for our National Giving Voice Gathering of sisters in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.  I'm on the planning team for this 4 day conference, so there will be lots to do between now and then!  It should be an amazing time to gather with peers and ponder mission and ministry in the 21st century.

Afterwards I'm headed north to spend time with my groovy sisters in Seattle and friends in Portland.  It will be nice to visit the Pacific Northwest for a while.

August holds another nun meeting.  I'm also planning some quality family time with my big sis and her family, my niece who will be coming to Chicago, and with my Dad over Father's Day weekend.

Community, religious life peers, family.  I've also got some work to throw into the mix, and some relaxation and prayer time.  It should be a good summer and renew and reset my brain for another year of courses come the fall!

For now, I'm celebrating the end of the first year tonight by taking advantage of student discounts to the Opera to see a production of Oklahoma!  Can't wait! :)

My Life as A Grad Student ... in animated gif form

We are approaching the home stretch of the Spring Semester, which translates in my life into a realization that I only have five weeks or so to get four rather large papers from concept to finished product, plus a few presentations, other assignments and readings.  Here's a pictoral representation of what I like to call "grad school problems," from Mary is My Homegirl.  Sometimes pictures (or animated pictures!) speak larger than words.

After I scheduled the next four weeks to include writing one paper each weekend or "When I Plan To Write An Entire Paper in One Weekend"

While trying to get the rest of my regular homework done or "The Semester is Winding Down & The Assigned Readings Has Nothing To Do With My Final Paper. Do I Do The Reading?"

And what I'm really trying to avoid or "When I Get Behind on Prepping for My Final Papers"

Silly Blog Quiz ... Trees

It's been almost a week since my last post. For those of you who actually check this page expecting to see something new, my apologies.  School is busy and my course content is rather intense this semester, with courses in topics such as the ethics of power and racial justice, spirituality of human rights abuse survivors, and sexual ethics.  Hence, on this snowy Saturday morning before I dive into my homework I give you a silly blog quiz on trees. That's about all my brain can handle.

You Are Smart and Reflective

You are a brilliant and independent thinker. Ideas are important to you. You need a lot of alone time to develop your theories and views. You are an introvert. You get along with anyone who likes to think and learn. You are never superficial. You spend a lot of time thinking about morality. You try to do what's right, even if most of society disagrees.

The Tree Test

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Why did I pick a blog quiz about trees?  Because this transplanted Pacific Northwesterner who is sojourning in the Mid West for her graduate studies misses trees.  Don't get me wrong, I'm looking out the window on this March morning and looking at trees.  But they are bare of any green leaves, standing strong in the midst of snow flurries, with no sign of green in the near future.  Meanwhile, my inner sense of seasons, trained from 20+ years in the PNW, is yearning for green.  Tall green cedars and lush green forests, nourished by a light gentle mist.

So I picked this quiz.  I picked this tree.  And discovered that this is apparently where I am supposed to be right now. I don't know that I'm brilliant, but I do enjoy playing with the world of ideas and how they apply to the world at large.  I need to remind myself that this is why I am here, this is why my community encouraged me to engage in academic studies, so that I could have some time and the resources to learn more, delve into theology and ethics, and develop some of these ideas. 

And while I still miss green and forests, I know where to find them.  Our reading week coincides with Holy Week, and I will be heading back to Seattle to spend some time in the forest with our Sisters. By the time I come back to Chicago, it will be April and surely signs of spring will be visible here as well.

In the meantime, back to my studies!

Peace Out.

Putting On my Bowling Shoes

Young Nun Valentine's Day Fun

Many moons ago, before the thought of becoming a Catholic Sister ever entered my mind, I was a run of the mill bureaucrat working a fairly boring government job with some great people.  Every month or so, we'd head out after work to go bowling.  It was a blast.  I'm not a very good bowler, but with this bunch of people, some of whom were excellent bowlers and one a former state champion, it was fun.  What wasn't so fun was renting shoes.  You see, I'm tall and as my mother was fond of saying, tall girls have big feet. So more often then not, I'd end up renting men's shoes.  Eventually the thought of renting shoes that had to be sanitized before each user led me to buy my own pair of bowling shoes.  Shortly thereafter, for reasons that I've been told are entirely unrelated to my purchase, we stopped our regular bowling outings.  But I still had these snazzy black suede bowling shoes.  As a result, in the decade + since I bought my own pair of bowling shoes, they have been used sparingly.  Yet whenever there is a chance to practice my not-so-good bowling skills, either on a visit with my niece who was living in Europe at the time or with my CSJP Sisters on St. Joseph's Day, my shoes and I are there.

I packed my shoes when I moved to Chicago to go to grad school.  And tonight I'm happy to report that they came off the shelf for a night of young nun bowling.  I have a good group of friends from Giving Voice, younger religious from different communities, who are living here in Chicago.  Tonight three of us went out bowling to celebrate Valentine's Day.  I couldn't have imagined a better way to spend the evening.  Was I a superstar bowler? No.  But I'm satisfied with my respective scores of 84 and 85.  As one of my friends who is a pretty good bowler said, at least I'm consistent!  An added bonus was to discover that there was also a skeeball machine at the bowling alley.  I only played two games of skeeball but earned a 220 and a 180.  I'm a much better skeeball player than I am a bowler!

Soon I'm hoping to give my shoes another test drive with some seminarian friends of mine from the philosophy class I took last Semester.  And who knows, there might be some more young nun bowling in my future as well!

All in all this was a good night to cap off a pretty intense first week of the Spring Semester.  I'm taking some GREAT classes, but the topics are pretty serious: Ethics of Power and Racism; Ministry, Spirituality and Human Rights Abuse Survivors; Methods in Theology & Ethics; and Sexual Ethics.  I think I might need something like periodic bowling outings to help decompress from all deep conversations and heavy reading lists!

Heart Shaped Blog Quiz

Feeling a little under the weather, so no major thoughts to share.  Instead, I give you a blog quiz:

You Have a Content Heart

Your heart doesn't crave much. It doesn't take much to make your heart happy. You may or may not have found love, but either way, your heart is at peace. If your heart has been broken, you are over it. Your heart has no scars. Your heart is open to anything. You have a lot of love to give to the world.

The Hand Drawn Heart Test

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

Indeed I do.  Today I opened my mailbox and found a Valetine's Card from one of my CSJP Sisters in Seattle.  It made me smile (thank you to you know who!).  Later this week I have an overnight date with my 2 1/2 year old nephew.  It's his parents wedding anniversary. These are things that make my heart content.  I have so many good people in my life.  Who could want more?

What I would like is for this migraine to go away.  My head is not content at the moment, even if my heart is.

Peace my friends.

Crunch Time

Things have been busy here lately in Chicago.  For one thing, my social life has picked up a bit with outings to an art gallery walk, the theater, and a minor league hockey game in the past week or so.  Yesterday I was invited to share my insights as a younger religious at the Consecrated Life Day event for the Archdiocese of Chicago.  I wasn't the main speaker or even on the panel, but one of 30 folks (younger religious, some folks in alternative forms of consecrated life, and young adults pondering vocation) who shared their story and thoughts at 3 different tables.  It was an experience I can best describe as akin to speed dating.  Very interesting.

All of this has been good and life giving, but there is just one problem.  I have a major research paper due in 2 weeks for my J-Term class on Ethics, Spirituality and Global Climate Change.  And I am no where near close to having it ready by then.  So, I really need to buckle down and get focused, even with other distractions on the horizon.

This, my friends, is an example of what I have termed "grad school problems."

All shall be well. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

True Confession ... of the Project Runway Variety

Yes, it's true ... I have been known to watch Project Runway.  And Project Runway Allstars.  It all started when I was introduced to this variety of reality show by a friend on vacation.  Before I knew it, I was watching it on the internet the day after it aired on cable tv.  For one thing, the Sisters I was living with would not have gotten the show.  For another, we did not have expanded cable.  So, in a way, until now when I'm broadcasting this news on the blog, my Project Runway habit has been a private one.

As anyone who observes my fashion sense knows, I don't watch it for the latest trends in fashion. Truth be told, most of what I see I would never wear even if it came in my size.  Most of it I am often surprised anyone would wear.  Then again, my own fashion sense is pretty simple.  After 8 years in religious life, I try to dress simply as our Constitutions say.  Granted, I go in for the more styley version of simple whenever my thrift store shopping allows, but it is always simple.  Comfort is also important.  I also own a lot of black even though my community does not wear a religious habit.

But I digress.  Why do I watch the Project Runway family of shows?  It's the same reason why I've also been know to watch cooking contest shows.  I love watching the creativity of the folks on the show.  They are given a challenge, often a very difficult or even absurd challenge, a small window of time and a limited amount of resources.  Yet what they discover, the obstacles and creative work arounds, the accidental discoveries, the mistakes, the opportunities are really in many ways what life is all about.

It's become a bit of a cliche and even a tag line for a travel industry commercial, but often times in life we are called not to do the stupendous or to give up, but rather, to make it work.  There's a good life lesson there I think.  While it may be as far from reality as 99.99999% of the "reality" tv that is out there, it is entertaining and celebrates the creativity of the human spirit.  In the grand scheme of things and given what else masquerades as acceptable entertainment in this world, that's a good thing in my book.

On that note .... time to catch up on the latest episode of Project Runway Allstars.