Contemplating Jesus and Discernment

When I named this blog "Musings of a Discerning Woman," I was knee deep in full fledged vocation discernment, pondering the crazy yet wonderful idea of becoming a Catholic Sister. The journey started just over 10 years ago. I started the blog 9 1/2 years ago to document that journey and to help me give words to the inexplicable movement of my heart.  In the words of my first blog post:

I've searched the blogsphere myself, looking for the "What should Susan do with her life website" to no avail. I have, however, been lucky enough to stumble upon the stories of others who have been able to stop and listen to what God might be calling them too. I've benefited from the struggles, the sharing, the hopes, the fears of complete strangers. And so, I figured it was worth the risk to start documenting my own journey in the hopes that it strikes a chord with someone else. Gives someone else the thought that it's not so crazy to listen to that voice deep down inside that won't go away, the idea that maybe there's something more to this life thing. And, hopefully this new form of what is essentially an exhibitionist journal will help me along on this journey of mine.

There is something sacred about this virtual space and something immensely powerful in sorting through the unbloggable thoughts and then recording the movement of the Spirit in a way that expresses the truth written in my heart yet is understandable and perhaps beneficial for others on their own journeys.  

I haven't really been in a unbloggable space for the past few years, but rather have been whole heartedly engaged in the joys of my life of ministry and community. Ironically, this life giving and affirming mix has meant I haven't blogged as much. I seem to blog more when I'm dealing with unblogables. Does that count as paradox?

Well, my friends, have you noticed an uptick in blog posts in the past week or so? That's because I am wading back into unbloggable territory, pondering an invitation from my community to consider a new way of answering my call to seek justice, love tenderly, and walk in the way of peace as a Sister of St. Joseph of Peace.

It's exciting and terrifying at the same time, kind of like that "fearful yet overjoyed" feeling Mary Magdalene felt at the tomb when, seeking to spend time mourning her friend Jesus, she is instead met by an angel with unexpected tidings: ""Do not be afraid! I know that you are seeking Jesus the crucified. He is not here, for he has been raised just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples, 'He has been raised from the dead, and he is going before you to Galilee; there you will see him.' Behold, I have told you."

In our CSJP Constitutions we say:

Our vows, rooted in our baptismal consecration,
express our response to God's call
to participate in the mission of Jesus Christ.
Through vowed membership
in the Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace
we specify the direction in which we live
our baptismal commitment. (38) 

By our public profession
of consecrated celibacy, poverty, and obedience,
we freely dedicate ourselves for life to God
according to these constitutions.
We commit ourselves to one another in community,
we signify our availability for service in mission,
and we express our willingness
to become peacemakers
in the spirit of the beatitudes. (39) 

As we live our vows each day
we trust that Christ's blessing promised
to peacemakers will sustain us,
knowing that God working in us
will accomplish more than we can ask or imagine. (62)

Indeed. Discernment never ends, my friends, it just shifts deeper and wider as we live more fully the life God calls us to by virtue of baptism.  As a religious Sister, my love of my community and commitment to our charism of peace also challenges me and brings forth even more love and commitment to following Jesus.

And, like the angel, Jesus also said "Be not afraid."  I found myself this morning remembering a video prayer reflection I made years ago, during temporary profession and a different flavor of discernment of this call, set to the Tony Alonso song "And Jesus said..."




I prayed with this video and song this morning, at this new space and discerning this new call within a call within a call within the context of a discerning community.

Jesus, brother and friend, be with me/us on our journey into peace. Open and soften our hearts so that we may hear your call deeply and clearly as we face the future with gratitude and hope. Amen.

Jedi Life Lessons

I was watching Empire Strikes Back on tv tonight, when Master Yoda taught me some valuable life lessons.



Here's a bit of the relevant dialogue between Yoda & Luke...

Luke is trying to raise his x-wing fighter from the swamp while balancing Yoda on his feet. He gets distracted and Yoda falls as the ship falls back into the water.

Luke: Oh no, we’ll never get it out now.

Yoda: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say.

Luke: Master, moving stones around is one thing. This is totally different.

Yoda: NO! No different. Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.

Luke: All right, I’ll give it a try.

Yoda: No. Try not. Do or do not. There is not try.

Luke: I can’t, it’s too big.

Luke tries to raise the ship from the swamp and fails. Yoda then waxes poetic on the power of the force which is beautiful but not entirely relevant to tonight's life lesson.

Luke: You want the impossible.

Yoda then gives it a … not a try … Yoda does raise the x-wing from the swamp and places it safely on the ground.

Luke: I don’t, I don’t believe it.

Yoda: THAT is why you fail.

I've been sorting through an unbloggable situation the past week or so. Actually, it's part of a larger recurring unbloggable situation. I'd already come to a place of peace about it, when I caught this jedi lesson on the tv. Yes it's a George Lucas script - not always known for the best writing - but this is what I needed to hear today. It reinforced what I already know. To paraphrase Master Yoda.

Things are only impossible because I think they're impossible. I need to unlearn what I've learned and learn to trust that God is in the mix and that all will be well. Trust or trust not. Do or do not. There is no try.

(Ok, maybe I'm paraphrasing Julian of Norwhich and Master Yoda. I'm sure they would have gotten along!)

reorganization

I just spent the morning/afternoon reorganizing and rearranging my room. I spend a lot of time in my room, as it is where I sleep, where I read, where I study and often where I pray. When I arrived last September the first thing I did was move all the furniture around. I suppose I needed to create my space.

So why did I reorganize it again (including moving some but not all of the furniture around)? Well for one thing, it was satisfying! For another, I needed a different energy in the room. My chair was facing the window. I've rearranged this so that now, when I sit in my chair, I can still look outside the window but I can also look around the room at my pictures and artwork. It's more open now.

But the main reason I suppose was that I've been feeling a lack of control with a particular unbloggable situation, and so I gravitated toward something that I could "fix" in the span of a few hours. The end result, I must say, is just what I needed. I'm happy and content, and now that I know what books are in my "to read" and "in process" piles (since I had to move them around), I'm going to turn off the computer, sit in my chair, and give the books a little quality time.

attempting to blog the unbloggable

Looking at my most recent posts - discussions of religious life and liturgy, silly blog quizzes, snippets of conversations overheard at the grocery store - it's not hard to guess that I've been in the world of unbloggables lately and struggling with how to write the experience without going into details I have no interest (or right) to share with the world on the blog. From experience I know that it sometimes helps me to give voice to the unbloggable feelings and thoughts, so I'm going to see if some random selections from the ipod can help me out. So this Saturday night I turned on the ipod and let it randomly pick:

Song # 1 - Pure Imagination from the Willy Wonka Soundtrack

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

If you live in a world where Oompa Loopmas did all the work, you'd think there was nothing to it as well! Sadly, there are no Oompa Loompas in the Novitiate, and changing the world involves interpersonal challenges and personal growth. Truth be told, I've been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks, but the cloud has started to lift. And with the lifting, light and the beauty of creation has come into view. Seriously, when you simply look around and view the world, it is pretty amazing.

Song # 2 - Return to Yesterday by Lilac Time

We travel on the last bus from sanity
Through provincetown to cities of obscurity
And somewhere down the road it occurs to me
That I might have missed my stop
But I will not
Return to yesterday

As I said, the last few weeks I have been in a bit of a funk. A few things happened that were out of my control and not that big of a deal on their own, but piled on top of each other it was like a one way ticket to the last bus from sanity. It's easy to get lost when you can't see the light shining on your path - let alone the light at the end of the tunnel. You wonder what you're doing and why you're doing it. Sometimes it seems like it would just be easier to return to yesterday. Is it all worth it? But somehow - God's grace perhaps - you realize, I realized, that yes, it is worth it. Occasionally messy and challenging, but worth it.

Song # 3 - Revolution of the Heart by Howard Jones

The listening heart
Opens up but won't surrender
Just as you are
To what you could be
Opening Mind
Reaching out for something better
Changing my life
A revolution of the heart

The invitation is indeed worth it, to be who you are - with all your demons, quirks and personal challenges - as God calls you to who you can become. A listening heart, an opening mind, reaching out for something better. If I could say this first 9 months of novitiate has been anything, it has certainly been a revolution of the heart. Periodically I am just stopped in my tracks by the awesomeness of God's love for us - all of us. There are no words for it.

Song # 4 - Road Buddy by Dar Williams

You're my road buddy, but I'm lonely all the time
I thought that we'd be joking, having long talks on late night drives
But you drive so bad I lost my patience
So pass the chips and turn the station
This is not a romance with the road

I just had a random thought for a t-shirt - "Jesus is my Road Buddy." ... I'm certainly not alone on this journey. For one thing, there are the folks I live with here at the Novitiate house. The Sisters nearby and far. Friends and family mostly far away but with me in spirit. And God's love is always with me, the Holy Spirit guiding me. But I have been lonely quite a bit of late - although not quite all the time. The line "you drive so bad I lost my patience" in a weird way describes some recent frustrations grounded in real life living with other people. We're human - enough said. But this is not a romance with the road. I'm not here because I love living in the novitiate. I'm here because it's a necessary stop along the journey, and the journey still feels right even if there are bumps on the road.

Song # 5 -Rose Parade by Elliot Smith

they asked me to come down and watch the parade
and to march down the street like the duracell bunny
with a wink and a wave from the cavalcade
throwing out candy that looks like money
to people passing by that all seem to be going the other way
said won't you follow me down to the rose parade

Ahhhh ... Portland. It's Rose Festival time in my adopted home town, and even though I actually HATE Rose Festival, I miss it all the same. I miss my friends. I miss my parish. I don't miss my bureaucratic past, but I do miss being connected to the daily life of the City. A big part of my funk has been homesickness. All along I've known that this discernment journey was leading away from Portland - our Sisters have never had a presence there. My recent bout of homesickness doesn't make me question my decision. Instead I think it's just a reflection of the roots I had put down in the rose city. It makes sense that when I'm feeling particularly unrooted, I'd miss the place where I felt grounded and strong.

Song # 6 - All the Trees of the Field Will Clap their Hands by Sufjan Stevens

And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you

This past week has been better. I've felt stronger - more rooted and grounded in God's love, reminded of my love for this community, more ready to prepare myself for the rest of the journey. Pity parties happen, and in a way it is important to honor and acknowledge your feelings, even if they are overwhelming and unbloggable. But they can also drown out the sound of the invitation. Good thing God is so patient and persistent, eh?

Who knows if my ramblings makes sense to anyone, but I feel better somehow blogging the unbloggables. I don't know why folks bother to read my random musings, but they certainly help me make sense of the world, my world, and me. If you managed to make it through this extremely long post, thanks for reading!

it's still Friday

Late in the day but it's still Friday so I give you the RevGalBlogPal Friday Five!

"There are two types of people in the world, morning people and night owls. Or Red Sox fans and Yankees fans. Or boxers and briefs. Or people who divide the world into two types of people and those who don't. Let your preferences be known here. And if you're feeling verbose, defend your choices!

1. Mac? (woo-hoo!) or PC? (boo!)
Why yes, the Friday Five author reserves the right to editorialize!

While I love the Mac in concept, pocketbook restrictions and the pracical issue of having worked in an all PC environment for 11 years has me typing these words on a PC, or to be more accurate a notebook computer.

2. Pizza: Chicago style luscious hearty goodness, or New York floppy and flaccid?

Neither. My all time favorite pizza is "PG County Pizza." It's generally square and generally greasey and can be found at Ledo's or Pizza Wheel, although there's a great difference between the two.

A close second would be Northwestern style frou-frou pizza from Pizzacato, Bella Facia or Oasis Pizza in Portland.

3. Brownies/fudge containing nuts:
a) Good. I like the variation in texture.
b) An abomination unto the Lord. The nuts take up valuable chocolate space.
[or a response of your choosing]

Nuts of course! Crunchy AND as a source of protein they notch up the nutritional value.

4. Do you hang your toilet paper so that the "tail" hangs flush with the wall, or over the top of the roll like normal people do?

I'm not sure that I'm consistent. I don't think I've ever given much thought to how I do this. I'll have to pay attention next time!

5. Toothpaste: Do you squeeze the tube wantonly in the middle, or squeeze from the bottom and flatten as you go just like the tube instructs?

My toothpaste that I'm currently using doesn't come from a tube. It's more of a container so it's not an issue.

----------------------
For those of you who have noticed my writing patterns, I've delved back into the world of blog quizzes and memes which generally means I'm working through some unbloggable issues in my life. I can share that I seem to have found a certain amount of inner peace and groundedness which I am so very grateful for in the midst of the unbloggables. At the same time however, I'd appreciate a prayer or two from my bloggy friends if you're looking for someone to pray for. If I ever have the opportunity to pitch a new line of barbies, Sister Barbie is going to say "Novitiate is hard" when you pull the string. ;)

Peace Out my bloggy friends!

wednesday night tune up

We're back from our last session at the Intercommunity Novitiate program. That deserves a post in itself at some later point, but right now I'm fairly brain dead and am sitting with my feet up and tuning in again to what my ipod has to tell me.

I've been living into a situation the past few weeks that I can't really blog about as it involves other people. That said, it's one of those universal situations where you're not a direct actor in a situation, but rather are peripherally involved. Perhaps you see someone in pain or going through difficult times - you want to help but you don't really have any power. Or perhaps you see how they are contributing to the situation themselves but don't know how to say it in a way that it can be heard or helpful. Or perhaps you don't even necessarily see the "injustice" but can't help but feel compassion for those involved in the struggle. Or any number of combinations of the above. I'm sure we've all lived through similar scenarios with various entry points. So, given that, what does my ipod have to tell me?

(As a refresher, the concept is that the Holy Spirit can work through technology as well as people. Put the ipod on shuffle and see if there's a common theme).

Song # 1: Wig in a Box by Polyphonic Spree

On nights like this when the world's a bit amiss ...
I get down, I feel had, I feel on the verge of going mad ...

It certainly sets the stage.

Song # 2: Poets of Your Love by Kathy Sherman

I paused and I was held by your beauty and your grace
a gift that came quite unexpectedly

Sometimes, in the midst of the chaos, I remember to pause and just breathe and reflect - God's in charge, not me. One gift of this novitiate year has been the opportunity and support for a daily meditation practice. One of the benefits of said practice is an occasional groundedness in the midst of the chaos that quite honestly surprises me.

Song # 3: Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads

You start a conversation you can't even finish it
You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything

But even with the occasional "mystical moment," I'm still me and as such, I stumble along. Sometimes it seems like I can't really help the situation no matter what I do. I try to talk, but I put my foot in my mouth. Or I talk a lot, but I don't say anything. This happens in prayer sometimes, not just the real world messy situations of my life.

Song # 4: The Perpetual Self or "What Would Saul Alinsky Do?" by Sufjan Stevens

Everything is lost - uh oh!
But I know that you can take it to the Lord
Everything you want - uh oh!
Is it all that you can gather for yourself?
Do you love a lot - uh oh!
It's the love that changes gifts to everyone

But everything is not lost! God's in the mix. But if God's in the mix, if God loves me and I love God, then I love other people and I'm back in my dilemma quicker than you can say Speed Reader (did anyone else grow up watching the Great Space Coaster?). I want to help, I want to fix things. But is that really my job? Or the big guy's? Or ... gasp ... the personal responsibility of those involved?

Song # 5 Murder (Or a Heart Attack) by the Old 97's

And the whole damn complicated
Situation could've been
Avoided if I'd only shut the window

Ok, so closing the window is not really a viable solution, but it is tempting.

Song #6 Big Nothing by Elliot Smith

You can do what you want to there's no one to stop you
Now you can do what you want to whenever you want to

Perhaps the answer is just to go about my own business? But when you are peripherally involved, you are involved even if not directly. Apathy is not really an attractive option for me either.

Song #7 What the World Needs Now is Love by Burt Bacharach

Self explanatory - although a surprising selection as I wasn't aware it was on my ipod. Compassion, love, care, and concern are active even if they do not involve direct action.

Song #8 The State that I'm In by Belle & Sebastian

So I gave myself to God
There was a pregnant pause before he said ok

Seems like I'm on the right track.

Song #9 The Rules by Ben Kweller

Understand that all I do
Is not enough for myself.
I am tough on myself
I need to freeze, I need direction, aw please ...

I love that ... "aw please." What an awesome prayer, a realization of powerlessness and surrender. Not only can I not fix the situation, I can't do anything without God. I am not an island, I am not omniscient, I am not omnipotent. I'm just Susan, and my task here on Earth is to be the best Susan I can be.

Song # 10 Fighting in a Sack by the Shins

had it nailed to my forehead again
To keep this boat afloat
There are things you can't afford to know
So I save my breath for the sails.

And so, I care. I am present as best I can be to the people and situation. I'll make mistakes. I'll put my foot in my mouth. But I can't fix anything. All I can do is be as much of a presence of peace as is humanly possible, trust in the goodness of God, and save my breath for the sails.

I don't know if this post will make sense to anyone who is not me, but I feel as if (with the help of my ipod) I've been able to pray my way through an unbloggable situation. And while I can't really blog about the situation, I was able to blog about the prayer and that in itself helps.

Night all. Peace to you and your loved ones.
Susan

staring chaos in the face

A wise friend (who lived through novitiate himself years ago) sent me a care package in the fall with a variety of spiritual books. I've been slowly working my way through them, savoring the insights and words of wisdom. One of the books is "Forgotten Among the Lilies: Learning to Love Beyond Our Fears" by Ronald Rolheiser. This bit stuck with me this morning:

To rid ourselves of resentment, bitterness, jealousy and paranoia requires a powerful fire. Only the gratitude that flows from knowing that we are loved, loved despite wound and sin, is a large enough flame to burn wound from our lives.

The rest follows: When we are vitalized by gratitude we will automatically move toward deeper prayer, wider loyalties and a more embracing heart.

Reconciliation begins when we stare our chaos in the face. In that, we will be brought face to face with our helplessness and our need for God. Prayer will then begin, crying out from the very depths of our being.

We will be laid bare and will realize that we are loved sinners, in solidarity with other loved sinners like ourselves. Gratitude, reconciliation and healing will follow.

Words of wisdom to be sure. Much of my unbloggable inner work during this year has been just that - staring my own chaos in the face. To be honest, I was surprised at the amount and state of my own chaos. It's so easy to package it into manageable boxes and get through life. But the point is not to get through life, but to live life, to share life, joyfully, with all our brothers & sisters. I'm still a work in progress - and formation is lifelong so I will always be a work in progress - but it is true that I feel drawn to deeper prayer, wider loyalites and a more embracing heart. Part of the mystery of the life of faith I suppose.

On that note, time to get ready for my afternoon of ministry at the hospital.

Peace Out to all my bloggy friends,
Susan

faces

I sometimes share that I'm in the midst of "unbloggable" thoughts. This post is an attempt to put one aspect of the unbloggable situation into words - without giving any real details - so bear with me.

One of the most useful things I've learned in the past 6 months of Novitiate is the different faces of the Self and the Ego. (This comes from one of our presenters, Br. Don Bisson who shared 5 sessions on personal integration last semester and 5 sessions on community this semester).

The face of the Ego is
Fear
Attachment
Control
Entitlement

The face of the Self is
Freedom
Acceptance
Compassion
Energy

I have no intention of getting into any details, but let's just say that there's been a bit of odd dynamics in the house lately. We're all on these inner journeys, and it's a bit messy when they collide - enough said.

This morning in prayer I had one of those Homer Simpson "D'oh" moments. I realized that I'd been approaching some of the messiness from a place of control and entitlement. Big time, but I'd been fooling myself into thinking I was grounded in my Self and open. It was the other that was feeling entitled, it was the other that was controlling.

That may very well be true, but if I honestly looked at where my own being has been grounded, it's been in trying to fix everything (control) and annoyed that other's people stuff is impacting me (entitlement). I've been drained (no energy). I've been angry and frustrated (limited compassion).

Hmmm.... food for thought and prayer. My prayer this morning was based on the "Face" of the Self:

Loving God, you know what I don't know. You know what I need even if I can't put it into words. Help me. Guide me. Lead me to the freedom to accept where others are on their journeys with compassion. Ground me in your love and your energy so that I may live gently and walk humbly with you.

novitiate blogging

I’m going to admit something to you, my bloggy confessional ... blogging about Novitiate is hard! Novitiate is hard enough, in its own crazy wonderful way, but sharing about it is a challenge. For one thing, I have no interest in (or right to) sharing details of the lives of those I live with. But, as their lives are an integral part of my life as far as they intersect, this makes it difficult.

For another thing, periodically I plunge into those periods of unbloggable thoughts (like now) and have no idea how or why I would share them with a group of complete/semi strangers and far away friends. And yet, a part of me knows that there is a reason other than my own ego that I am called to this blogging experiment. Other peoples' story telling has been an important part of my own journey - hearing about their experiences has helped me to see how God is active in my own life.

There is also some value to the writing challenge of crafting unbloggable thoughts into a blog worthy and appropriate post. I've been reading a lot about my personality type (INTJ) and one tip for personal growth was to "talk through your thoughts. If you don't have someone to discuss your ideas with, try expressing your ideas clearly in writing." I suppose a journal would work as well, but there is value to knowing someone else will read what you right. It keeps you honest.

The end result is of course this blog. My friend Jason has just turned his blog off permanently after discussion with his novice director. Part of me can understand the reasoning behind that decision, even though I'm sad not to be able to keep up with his own novitiate journey. As for me, I'll keep sharing my silly and sometimes not so silly thoughts here on the blog as long as my novice director and I think it is appropriate to do so. Perhaps I'll even get to working through some of the more recent unbloggable thoughts.

In the mean time, please keep me and my fellow novices in your prayers as we approach the half way mark of our Canonical Year.

Peace Out
Susan

by the way

In case you're wondering, it stayed around for two full days but the fog has finally lifted here in Englewood Cliffs, NJ. The City is still there. As is the bridge.

I've still got my own fog of unbloggables hanging around though. Nothing dramatic, just the continued reality of this time that's not a time and this place that's not a place and spending all my time with the same few people. And the pesky fact that nuns are people too!

We head back to our intercommunity program next week which will be a good change. We've been off for five weeks. I also continue to enjoy my Monday afternoons at the hospital (which I'm realizing I haven't written about since I started). And in a few weeks it'll be time for my "home visit" ... which will actually be to California for my brother's wedding. All good things on the horizon which will hopefully help to lift the unbloggable personal fog.

In the meantime, I continue to pray for the grace and strength to do the inner work I'm here to do and trust that as God's in the mix (and the fog) all will be well.

Peace Out my bloggy friends,
Susan

attempting to blog the un- bloggable thoughts

So I’ve understandably been having lots of un-bloggable thoughts these last few days/weeks. You know, the whirlwind mishmash of thoughts and feelings that even if you could slow them down to capture them on paper wouldn’t make sense to anyone else outside of your own head/heart. Heck, it’s hard enough to make sense of them yourself!

But I had e-mails in the past 36 hours from two very wise friends who reminded me that a) this is completely normal and b) it’s ok to miss a place dearly and be happily leaving it at the same time. Plus, in the car today one of Sufjan Stevens’ songs spoke to me in a new way. As a result, I’m feeling brave enough to try and blog these thoughts. Perhaps they’ll speak to someone else in turn.

Item b above has been the source of most of my un-bloggable thoughts. It’s been a month since my last groovy sister reserves trip so I’m having some symptoms of withdrawal from the amazing community of Sisters I have come to know and love. In the mean time, I’ve been immersed in this wonderful community of friends here in Portland as I wind down my life here and say goodbye. And I only have 3 days left here!! I love this place and these people. I have had a good life here. Grown, learned, loved, served, laughed, cried. Life. So why am I leaving for such an unknown future??? Especially since I’ll be heading East soon for Novitiate, where I will be with Sisters, who while equally as groovy and part of the same community, are not the ones I have come to know and love these past 2 years. So it’s like I’m leaving two places/sets of people dear to me for a third unknown and not yet loved place.

One of the wise friends shared his experience when he left his community of friends to enter his novitiate all those years ago. “Here I was, going off to become part of a community, and I had one right where I was all along. What was wrong with me? And would I always be chasing the ‘greener grass’?” Good questions, and ones that I find myself asking myself several times a day lately.

The other wise friend said this in response to my last post about the Gospel story about the rich young man: “Unlike that poor soul, you have the grace to know that all you love in Portland still wasn’t quite enough. If this path was easy, everybody would be dancing down it....but with all the hard spots, there’s abundance of joy, even in New Jersey!”

There lies the rub. As wonderful as my friends are, as wonderful as my life here has been … I know it’s not quite what I’m meant to do, how I’m meant to live. I get glimmers of my future with the groovy sisters, glimmers of what a life centered on the Gospel would be like, in community. My friends are great, but they have lives and families of their own. I so yearn to be part of a community of faith that lives and works together joyfully. And I sense that with the groovy sisters.

Which takes me to the Sufjan Stevens song “Chicago.”

"If I was crying
In the van, with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land …

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go"

The thing is … what I sense is in a way freedom from myself and from the land. I’m slowly moving on this journey from “me” to “we”. I’m letting go of the cosmic grip I’ve had on this particular place called Portland, Oregon in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. I know I can be me here … the question is, can I allow my loving God to recreate me? Can I remember, can I know, can I embrace the fact that all things grow and all things go?

We’ll see what happens, but at the moment I’m feeling better having blogged some of these thoughts, thanks to the help of my wise friends.

all over the map

My site meter tells me that today visitors have stumbled upon this here little spot in the blogosphere looking for …
…. advice on being green
… humility
… news on the french riots
… what feminism looks like
… whether to follow your head or follow your heart
… mr. picasso head (actually 3 folks looking for this fun tool)
… stethoscopes
… missing mom
… someone else wondering why it’s not easy being green
… clothes nuns wear
… and a catholic vocation discernment blog.

Hmm… an eclectic collection. Hope my visitors enjoyed their stay, whether brief or of a longer duration. Looking at that list gives a good picture I think of what I’ve been doing here of late. Silliness with the picasso head and an ode to kermit the frog, social commentary on global events and the role of women in the church & world, sharing my own struggles and daily quest for humility and wisdom, and of course vocation discernment which does include the practical questions of what Sisters wear and do.

I’ve kind of been all over the map lately. Literally, with visitors from the Netherlands and Thailand and the UK and Germany and France and Canada and Australia and various of our 50 states (and the District of Columbia too). And all over the map in the topics of my posts too, as these searches show .. after all, the search only led my visitors here because the great search engines of the world thought I had something to share on these topics.

But I’ve also personally been all over the map lately too. Working through some deep questions about community and freedom and prophetic risk and commitment and obedience and transition and change and leave taking and … well, lots of nonbloggable thoughts truth be told. Good stuff though that in a way I wish I could share here but while some of it is non-bloggable for various reasons, mostly it’s just not coherent enough for public consumption. God’s been really busy, planting lots of seeds and questions and reminders and challenges in my life. So busy that I can’t ignore most of it, but need to plod through with the help of long walks and journal writing and nonsensical blog posts and quiet time with the big guy. Oh, and the shower. God & I have the best talks in the shower.

Ok, night time rambling done. Time to head to bed. Night John Boy.