Anne Shirley Moments

If you know about kindred spirits, the Rollings Reliable Baking Powder Company and the dangers of currant wine, then this post will make sense.

Sometimes I find myself having Anne Shirley moments.

It might be when my mouth and brain conspire to get ahead of common sense and I say that thing I am actually thinking rather than what should be said in public.

It might be when I spend an afternoon talking about nothing with a good friend, or curl up with a good book, and all is right with the world.

Or it could be like today, when I should be busy about many things, but find myself stopping on a park bench during my morning walk to gaze out at the lake where the sun is making the water glimmer in spots, the birds are playing with the wind, and the waves are quite literally dancing. If Anne Shirley were here, no doubt she would christen Lake Michigan today the "Lake of Dancing Waters."

Sometimes I have Anne Shirley moments, which are really Susan moments, because life is best lived when you let your attention be caught by beauty, make time to soak in the company of kindred spirits, and above all remember that tomorrow is always fresh without any mistakes in it.

A White Catholic girl goes to the movies .... thoughts on race inspired by The Butler

This afternoon I went to the movies to see The Butler. This was one of the films I wanted to see when I was on vacation at the beach, but I'm glad that I waited to see it until I got home to Chicago.  Seeing the film at my local theater in the heart of Hyde Park, just down the street from President Obama's house, and perhaps most importantly as one of only a few White folks in a predominantly African American audience, was a privileged cultural experience. Let me explain, as best I can, some of my complicated reflections on race inspired by the film and the film watching experience.

First of all, let's admit it, White folks rarely write about race.  We rarely think about race.  This is part and parcel of the undeniable (yet often denied) reality of White privilege.  We don't write/think/talk about race because we don't have to. Fortunately, I was privileged to be able to take a course at CTU last semester on the ethics of power and racial justice.  It gave me a framework and language to use to explore my own experiences of race and White privilege as well as the ethical imperative of naming this reality if we are ever to arrive at anything close to racial justice and equality.

One of the preeminent Catholic moral theologians who is writing about these issues is Fr. Bryan Massingale. I HIGHLY recommend his book Racial Justice and the Catholic Church. Not only is it brilliant, thought provoking and challenging, it's also incredibly well written and easy to read.  One of the biggest concepts I took away from Fr. Massingale is the power of lament and his assertion that because we experience racism viscerally, or at the "gut" level, we can't arrive at racial justice just through rational thought or discussion. In his words:

Thus, I believe that we Catholic ethicists need to lament the ambiguity and distortions of our history and their tragically deforming effect on ourselves.  We need to lament, mourn, and grieve our history. ... Lament has the power to challenge the entrenched cultural beliefs that legitimate privilege.  It engages a level of human consciousness deeper than logical reason.  Lamenting can propel us to new levels of truth seeking and risk taking as we grieve our past history and strive to create an ethical discourse that is more reflective of the universality of our Catholic Faith.

Lament. As a White girl watching the violent tragedies of hate in the film, from the Jim Crow South to lynching to attacks on the freedom riders, it was hard not to feel a visceral feeling in my gut.  Yet, as someone born after these events in 1972, it is also tempting to think that this isn't about me.  I'm not responsible.  And yet, this is my history, our history, and it does indeed have tragically deforming effects on each and every one of us.  We need to lament, mourn and grieve our history, and stories like The Butler help us to do this.  We also need to celebrate the victories, the courage, the ways each of us big and small works to promote racial justice in our lives and communities.  The recent commemoration of the March on Washington is one example, and anyone who has visited the MLK memorial in Washington, D.C. cannot help but be moved.

I realized this afternoon that living here in Hyde Park is really the first time in my entire life that I have not lived in a predominantly White neighborhood.  While I did attend a racially mixed high school, I grew up in a very White suburb.  In fact, when my parents first bought their house in Bowie, Maryland, the developer refused to sell to African American home buyers.  It wasn't until the PG County Open Housing law passed in 1967 (thanks in no small part to the hard work of my Dad who was on the County Council, something to celebrate indeed) and the Federal Fair Housing Act in 1968 that the developers were forced to sell homes to qualified Black buyers. By then, of course, most of the houses had been sold to White buyers.  Hence, my very White childhood.

Last semester, I reflected on this part of my history for my paper in the course on the ethics of power and racial justice.  I reached a bit deeper into this history when I remembered that the suburban house of my childhood was built on the grounds of a former plantation.  This means that I played on land where generations of African Americans were forced as slaves to farm the land, care for the horses, and run the manor house.  A little bit of research helped me discover that when slaves were freed by the 1865 Maryland constitution, forty-one people, aged 2 to 75, were held in captivity on the very land where I was raised. This brings our sordid history closer to home.

And it is not all in the past.  As I continued ethical reflection on my childhood home, I realized that while I/my family never owned slaves, we continue to this very day to benefit from racist housing policies that prevented the descendants of slaves from buying homes on this land.  Because my White parents were able to buy a reasonably priced house, they gained home equity.  This enabled them to buy a larger house when I, the fifth child, was born a decade later.  This equity helped pay for my college education. We sold the house after my mother passed away, but we are still benefiting today. As my siblings and I help my father navigate his later years, we are comforted by the fact that he is able to access quality care and senior housing because of the proceeds of the sale of this house.  This too is White privilege. Our experience of course is not isolated.  Our nation's history of racist housing policies is why there is such a continuing racial wealth gap today. 

Another Catholic moral theologian, Mary Elizabeth Hobgood, writes that those of us who benefit from White privilege are "accountable for understanding how racism advantages [us] at the expense of others." This, she says, is "a lifelong task of gaining religious awareness and engaging in moral action."  I am not writing this post to lay a guilt trip on myself, my family, or anyone else.  Rather, I seek to take the next steps in coming to grips with my own privilege, to engage and take responsibility for my own advantages, at the gut level, so that I can increase my own awareness and walk the path towards racial justice. And, if by putting words to some of this messy journey I can help someone else on theirs, all the better.  This is, after all, a communal journey.  Racism does not happen in a vacuum.

Earlier I mentioned that my present neighborhood is a new racial experience for me, being a racial minority of sorts in a predominantly African American neighborhood.  It's true.  I realize that with the exception of a few brief periods in London and Jersey City during my novitiate, I've always lived in Cities/neighborhoods where most people look like me. 

I'm coming to appreciate this time of living on the South Side of Chicago as a cultural experience.  In many ways, its refreshing.  I've started attending a predominantly African American Catholic parish where I feel welcomed, even if it is a different style of worship than I am used to.  I felt privileged watching The Butler with a mostly Black audience.  I loved hearing some of the comments, the moments of laughter, the silence and held breath at poignant moments, and the heart felt applause at the end.  It made the entire movie watching experience that much more meaningful for me.  Living here also makes me face my racism and recognize my own White privilege more often.  That's tough, but it's also an opportunity, and it's one for which I am very grateful.

Now with guests

I recently saw the movie, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel." I won't spoil the experience for those who haven't seen it with too many details. If you haven't seen it because you heard it's just a movie about a bunch of old people, go see it anyway. It's about so much more and appropriate for younger folks too.

Granted, I had delayed seeing it in part because I didn't know anyone under 70 who had seen it. But Judi Dench, Maggie Smith ... how could you go wrong? It even has Matthew's mother from Downton Abbey. But I digress.

In addition to the older Brits who seek a new lease on life in India, we also get to meet the young Indian proprietor of the eponymous hotel. He is optimistic and joyful, if a bit unrealistic and impractical.

One of the sayings that he repeats several times in the film is something to the effect of: "It will all be fine in the end, and if it is not fine that is because it is not yet the end."

I have been thinking about that since seeing the movie. It reminds me of one of my favorite passages in scripture from Habakuk.

"Then the LORD answered me and said: Write down the vision; Make it plain upon tablets, so that the one who reads it may run. For the vision is a witness for the appointed time, a testimony to the end; it will not disappoint. If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late. "

When we look around our troubled world, from civil war in Syria to gun violence at the movies, we can be forgiven for thinking things are far from fine. Because they're not fine. But maybe that's because it is not yet the end.

Does that mean we just sit in lawn chairs and watch the world fall apart around us? Of course not. It means we recommit to the vision, recognize we are not God, and work together.

In the movie there is a sign outside the hotel declaring it the best exotic marigold hotel.  At one point, shortly after the first guests arrive,  the sign is amended with this note at the bottom: "Now with guests."

It is only together,  in community recognizing our interdependence that we can truly glimpse the vision and work for it together.

If it delays, wait for it. It will surely come.

Good Things Were Afoot in Circle K

Bill & Ted at the Circle K

This year's Giving Voice National Gathering was really an intergenerational conversation.  Giving Voice is an organization of women religious under the age of 50, but we invited Sisters over 50 including Sandra Schneiders, IHM to engage the emergence of religious life in the 21st Century.

We used the PeerSpirit circle process, which is actually a process that our conference planning team has been using the past nine months to plan the gathering.  I had the privilege/challenge of assigning folks to the 20+ circles in a way that hopefully would have an even distribution of under/over 50 as well as a good distribution of religious communities.

It took me many hours of sorting.  So I took the opportunity to place myself in Circle K.  Yes, it was a pop culture reference that made me smile.

I had a great group.  We shared deeply, listened attentively, and broke open our experiences and hopes for religious life.  During the check out of one of our last circle conversations, one of my circle members (in her mid 60s) said that when she received her name tag with her assignment to "Circle K," she immediately thought of the gas station.  "And I need a little bit of gas for religious life," she said smiling.  The rest of the women in my circle went around and said how much they appreciated everyone in Circle K.  By the time it was my turn to talk, I had to confess that I'd put us in Circle K for a reason!  I explained the pop culture reference, and told them that I thought good things would be afoot in Circle K.  A nice moment, courtesy of Bill & Ted (and God).

HP ... it is finished

Ok, this is a bit delayed, but a few words on HP 7.2.  I’ve been partially delayed because I didn’t want to include any spoilers, but that’s too hard.  So, if you don’t want to know anything about the latest HP movie, you might want to skip this post.

Pause …. 

Ok … are you still here?  Ready for the massive spoilers?

Pause …

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I can go ahead.  First of all, loved the movie.  It wasn’t too long, didn’t drag or dawdle, didn’t have much gratuitous violence or unnecessary cuteness.  It starts out right where the last one left off, and goes on running up until the moment of truth (and the epilogue).

My favorite moments:

-Professor McGonagall: “I’ve always wanted to use that spell” … with a mischievous look in her eye

-Neville:  need I say more?

-Snape’s tears … and his memories.  Again, they stuck with what was necessary and didn’t dawdle or get sentimental.  This is also when all the 20-something boys packed into the theater behind me started sniffling.  Loudly.

But really, what I loved most was the moment when Harry was in the forbidden forest, ready to meet his end.  Ready to give his life for his friends.  Ready to make the ultimate sacrifice so that good could prevail.  It’s really his Christ moment, and I mean that in the very best way.  Alone at last, he looks around and says simply, “I am ready to die.”

And in true Christological fashion he discovers that the one who gives his life will save it.  It is in our moments of sacrificial love that we are most human.  It is when we turn our backs on power—as Harry does in a snapping motion on the bridge near the end—that we find our true power.  Love.  To paraphrase Dumbledore, the real death is not death, the real death is living without love.  So Harry chooses love--and lives.

How wonderful to have this truly counter-cultural message encapsulated in a pop culture icon.  Not a unique message, but one that we need to hear again and again. So nice to have it done so well, and who knows the impact this message might have on those with ears to hear.

And finally … it is finished.

HP, Discernment and Me

For those who haven’t quite caught on yet to this fact about yours truly, I am a bit of a geek.  Church geek … check.  Star Wars geek … check.  Harry Potter geek … guilty, and happily so!  In fact, tomorrow night after work I’m driving 3 ½ hours to Portland to stand in line with some of my very best (and also somewhat geeky) friends to watch the last Harry Potter film together at midnight!

Regular readers of the blog might have picked up on various Harry Potter references from time to time.  I was in my late 20s when I started reading Harry Potter, so I haven’t exactly grown up with them like lots of my fellow HP geeks … did you know people actually play Quidditch?

Anyhoo, as I said I didn’t grow up with HP.  But it has been a friendly companion on my vocation discernment journey.  For example.

The Sorting Hat:  When I was first starting to pay attention to the crazy yet wonderful idea that maybe, perhaps, I should become a Sister, the big question was what kind!  Imagine if all the kids at Hogwarts had to choose which house they belonged to, it would be chaos.  But no, there’s the Sorting Hat to be relied upon. Not so I religious life … a fact which I often lamented during my early “which community is my community” phase of discernment.

The Knight Bus:  There have been times on this journey, when giant obstacles to following Jesus into religious life (such as my gigantic credit card debt) just JUMPED out of the way.  There were other times where the journey was so slow, and other times where it just seemed to speed up of its own accord. Like the Knight Bus.

Patronus:  In HP, one needs to center oneself in one's happiest memory in order to make one's patronus and dispel bogarts and dementors.  The same is true in life and yes, even in religious life.  I have one particular memory from this discernment journey--that takes place in a bathroom in City Hall no less--that I have drawn upon at moments when things as scary and disheartening as dementors have made an appearance.

Grand Inquisitor:   A certain experience last year also brought to mind Dolores Umbridge and her visitation of Hogwarts.  My experience seems to have turned out much better than in the books, however.

Then there have just been HP moments.  Like the day towards the end of my canonical year when the last Harry Potter book was released in hardback.  I lamented that I wasn’t able to go out that night to purchase a book when it was released.  But I did manage to stop by the bookstore the next morning on my way home from Spiritual Direction.  And managed to hide away in my room for most of the next day, voraciously reading about the Deathly Hallows. Chero – one of the other novices – told me later she was afraid to bother me that day because I was so absorbed in my reading!

When I was living in London during my apostolic year, I spent my hour long commutes to and from the homeless shelter listening to HP 7 on CD, sitting on the top of a double decker London Bus.  That was just a cool experience.  And I was also able to visit Kings Cross, where I took this picture of the trolley cart at Platform 9 and ¾.

There are some folks, I know, who are troubled by a book about a school that trains witches and wizards.  I however see the book as a grand exploration of good and evil, of the triumph of the human spirit, as a champion of justice (even for Elves … S.P.E.W. anyone?), and just plain fun.  Which is what I’ll be having tomorrow night around midnight … watching the last chapters of the story unfold on the big screen.

PS - From a review in the Vatican Newspaper:  

[Harry Potter teaches that] 'it's possible to change the world.  It is Harry, with his inseparable friends, who demonstrates that it is possible to vanquish evil and establish peace.  Power, success and an easy life do not bring the truest and deepest joys.  For that we need friendship, self-giving, sacrifice and attachment to a truth that is not formed in man's image..."

Amen.  Sounds an awful lot like religious life!

How to Train Your Dragon (Nonviolence)

Yesterday I had a bit of free time and decided to treat myself to a movie ... How to Train Your Dragon. I had a movie gift card lying around (awesome gifts for folks in religious life by the way) so I decided to splurge and treat myself to the 3D version.

I was expecting a pleasant story and 90 minutes in an imaginary world. What I wasn't expecting was an approachable story about the principles of nonviolence. (Warning, the rest of this post contains plot info from the movie, so read with caution if you plan to see the movie).

Nonviolence you ask? In a kids movie about slaying dragons? Well yes. Hiccup, the main character, is the son of the chief Viking in his village, a village that is plagued by attacking fire-breathing dragons that steal their livestock and destroy their homes. The goal of every man (and it seems woman) in the village is to become a successful dragon killer. It's the joie de vivre of village life. Which is a problem for hiccup, because unlike most Vikings he is skinny and slight and mild mannered.

To make a long story short though, he also discovers that he has a knack not for killing dragons, but for approaching them with compassion. By remaining open to the dragons and taking risks, he finds that everything the villagers know about dragons is wrong. The dragon with the ferocious bite .... he's afraid of snakes. The fire breathing dragon really likes it when you rub his tummy, and if you hit just the right spot he'll lie down helpless. As he continues his courageous journey of trust and vulnerability, he discovers that the dragons themselves are operating out of fear of something even scarier. And, in the end, he leads his community on a journey of nonviolence which turns their world upside down and leads to a time of peaceful coexistence and prosperity unimagined at the beginning of the movie.

Really ... it may be a cartoon, but it's deep. And enjoyable. Later, reflecting on the movie, I realized what a great analgoy even the premise and title of the movie is ... what is the journey of nonviolence if not an ongoing effort to train our own inner dragon?

mandela moments

I saw Invictus today with some of my housemates. An excellent film, even if it is about a sport I don't pretend to understand (rugby). It's also about Nelson Mandela and creative nonviolent peacemaking off the field, even if it uses a somewhat violent sport (on the field) as part of the creative nonviolence.

I was reminded of my "mandela moment" which I've written about before, but not for a long time. It's worthy of a repost I think:

"If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then your enemy becomes your partner." (Nelson Mandela)

I remember clearly the day Nelson Mandela was released from prison. I was a Senior in High School working as a checkout cashier at my local K-Mart. Back in the smoky break room the TV was on as usual with some inane fare. Suddenly they broke in with the news – Mandela was being released!!!. I was mesmerized. My coworkers wanted to change the channel, but I prevailed. I sat there well beyond my allotted break time, watching history happen. Watching freedom happen. Watching peacemaking happen.

I finally went back to work, a changed woman, only to realize that most of my coworkers didn’t know who Nelson Mandela was. They probably didn’t know what apartheid was for that matter.

The quote from Mandela is profound, especially considering all he went through. I’m feeling more and more called to be a peacemaker in my life. To work for peace in the world, church, and my own circle. And yet I’m the first to admit how far I fall from that ideal. I think petty thoughts. I grumble. I sometimes lash out or focus on the differences rather than build on the common ground.

But the desire is there. A line from the groovy sister’s Constitutions has been very present to me the last few weeks: "Our founding spirit calls us to further the work of peace. Responding to this call we experience our own need for continuing conversion to gospel values which engender peace."

Jesus calls us to continuing conversion. He knows we’re not perfect. "I did not come to call the righteous but sinners," he says in today’s gospel.

Those are my Sunday evening thoughts. Busy week ahead with plenty of opportunity to practice peacemaking I'm sure. But for now it's time for bed.

Ironically, 4 years later, it is also Sunday (evening not afternoon). I'm still on the path to nonviolence, often more aware of my own violent thoughts and words than I am any creative nonviolence on my part. But the desire is still there, and that definitely counts for something!

Invictus starts with the scenes of Mandela's release, which made me think back to that extended break in the K-Mart employee lounge. How much has happened since then, in my life, in our world. And yet, nonviolence is still, I believe, the way. May we all learn how to embrace the way of nonviolence. That peace, love, understanding and compassion may stop being cliches, and become a way of life. Amen.

Vacation Missive #1

Off to see HP 6 this morning on the big screen, which the Vatican now apparently approves of according to CathNewsUSA.

The Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano gave the new Harry Potter movie four stars for promoting "friendship, altruism, loyalty and self-giving", a break from the Holy See officials' previous reservation that the books promote witchcraft. ...

"Certainly, Rowling's vision lacks a reference to transcendence, to a providential design in which people live their personal histories and history itself takes shape," the paper said in its July 14 edition.

But, it said, the new film and the books make clear "the line of demarcation between one who does good and one who does evil, and it is not difficult for the reader or the viewer to identify with the first."

"This is particularly true in the latest film," the review said. "They know that doing good is the right thing to do. And they also understand that sometimes this involves hard work and sacrifice."

When the book is finished or the film credits roll, what is remembered are "the values of friendship, altruism, loyalty and self-giving" rather than the magic tricks, the newspaper said.

By the way, I took this picture of the "real" Platform 9 3/4 at Kings Cross Station when I was living in London.

I have thoughts ... or not

I was watching a little bit of tv in the community room with a few other sisters while I finished my debut knitting project, when I heard this line in a preview for the new movie Julie and Julia. ... "I could write a blog, I have thoughts."

Which made me realize ... no thoughts at the moment. Nothing unbloggable, but it's hot and I just was on vacation and I'm actually headed to a conference and another mini vacation next week and, well, nothing paticularly bloggable either.

So ..... that made me think (see, a thought!) of putting the call out for special requests.

Anything serious or not so serious you'd like to see me blog about?

If not, no worries. I'm sure inspiration will return when it cools down and we get back to normal northwest spring weather.

In Annie's footsteps

We're having our Chapter meetings at Monmouth University in New Jersey, about 1 mile from the Ocean. When I heard our Chapter would be held at Monmouth I was very excited ... because on the grounds is the mansion that belonged to Daddy Warbucks in the Annie movie from my childhood.

As an aside, I distinctly remember singing "It's a Hard Knock Life" in some elementary school talent show!! I LOVED Annie.

Monmouth University's Website has a video clip shows the wonder and awe experienced by Annie as she arrived at the manor for the very first time. Watch it here.

Control vs. Kaos (reprise)

Last summer I wrote a post inspired by the movie trailer for the new Get Smart Movie. Today a few of us saw the movie, which got me thinking again about my own struggle with control.

You see, for those who are unfamiliar with Get Smart, it's about a secret agent (named Maxwell Smart) who works for a spy agency called "Control." The enemy spy agency is called "Kaos." Hence, control vs. kaos.

What does this have to do with religious life, you ask??? Well, I am what in some circles is called a control freak. Perhaps a recovering control freak is more like it. In my past life, I was the type of person who carefully planned and organized all aspects of her life far into the future.

To some extent, I still am. This is part of my personal gift. For example, I'm in the process of packing some boxes for my move from the novitiate at the end of the summer. It's going to be a busy summer, so I'm trying to be organized about it. Yesterday I packed all of my summer clothes in my suitcase (the one I'll be taking to Chapter, Retreat & Vacation). I then put all the rest of my clothes in boxes, ready to ship them in August. Then, I put all my summer clothes back in my closet/dresser since I'll be home the next two weeks. This way, I know that everything will fit where it's supposed to go and now I don't have to worry about it. It's all under control!

Some things in life are that easy to get a handle on. Others are less predictable or more complicated. For example, in religious life, I'm more a co-participant in the important decisions of my life rather than the sole decision maker. Which reminds me of another post, this one from three years ago and inspired by a different movie:

They say of course that no man (or woman) is an island. There’s a great scene at the beginning of the movie About a Boy where Will, played by a particularly cute Hugh Grant, disputes this notion. He is an island, thank you very much, and he likes it that way. Of course it’s lonely being an island, so he has to play the role of island cruise director, splitting his day up into manageable units. Television game shows, salon appointments, magazine reading. He’s free, he’s independent, but to what purpose? Slowly Will opens himself up to another human being in the form of a marvelous 13 year old boy named Marcus and Will finds purpose. By the end of the film Will has a community of people who need him. And he needs them. He has moved from pointless independence to meaningful interdependence.

Looking back at my journey into religious life, I think I've been moving from pointless independence to meaningful interdependence. My carefully scripted and controlled life was nowhere near as life giving and fulfilling as my somewhat unpredictable life in community. Sure it's a bit challenging at times, sorting things out with a whole group of other folks. But in the end, we need each other and we're all involved in this crazy wonderful experiment together. As I said in my post three years ago ...

I can see the glimmers of how by being part of a community of women, rooted in God and the peace that comes from Christ, I’ll finally find the freedom to be who I am meant to be and work to help bring about God’s reign.

Those glimmers have begun to take form, and I find myself happy and filled with hope for the future with my groovy sisters. I don't really miss my days of being my own cruise director! ;)

Those are my random Saturday afternoon movie inspired thoughts!

Pros, Cons and the Movement of the Heart

I have a confession to make ... a few weeks ago I saw the Sex in the City movie. Perhaps it was because I had vows discernment on the brain, but there was a lot of food for thought in the movie on the topic of vows. Granted, in the movie, it was vows of the marriage variety, but commitment by vow was a definite recurring theme.

In one scene, Miranda is sitting in a coffee shop deciding whether or not to reconcile with her estranged husband on the Brooklyn Bridge (half way between their respective worlds of Brooklyn and Manhattan). I forget all the specifics, but a few scenes earlier one of her girl friends had told her that this wasn't a decision she could make in her typical lawyer fashion, with her lists of pros and cons. This was a decision she'd have to make based on her feelings. She'd have to listen to her heart for once!

Flash forward to the coffee shop scene. Sure enough, she's working on a very detailed list of pros and cons. She finishes her cappuccino, and is ready to head out the door. She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and realizes she's got a milk mustache. The viewer is meant to remember an earlier scene in the movie where Miranda has a milk mustache and her husband points it out to her. She complains that he's always criticizing her, the tension mounts, and then he puts on a milk mustache of his own and asks if there's something she wants to tell him. It is a powerful moment of truth, love, and relationship, and you can tell that in the coffee shop scene, when she catches the glimpse of herself in the mirror, Miranda remembers this moment and finally listens to her heart. She takes the leap of faith and love and goes to meet her husband on the bridge to begin their life anew. In that moment, she (re)commits to their vows.

As regular readers know, I've been spending some time with the question of writing "The Letter" - requesting to profess my temporary vows as a Sister of St. Joseph of Peace. I found myself laughing really hard at the coffee shop scene in the movie, because I'd had a struggle in myself between carefully and logically weighing all the pros and cons and simply giving myself time and space to listen to my heart. I could very easily come up with a carefully crafted list myself. There's be entries in both columns to be sure, but in the end I'd probably realize that the pros are pretty incredible and non of the cons are deal breakers. I didn't write an actual list, but I did spend some time with the pros and cons. But I've also spent some time prayerfully with the amazing movements of my heart over the past year.

I find myself drawn back to the Margaret Anna quote I shared the other day: "The first step in every life of high sanctity is just today; is just this very moment. Why will we not take that step that will lead us into the deepest depths of the heart of Jesus?"

The letter's not due until the end of the week, but I wrote mine last Thursday - Founder's Day.

Jesus is inviting me on the journey to his heart as a vowed member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace. And so, on this Founder's Day, trusting in God's faithful love and relying on the support and example of our sisters and all others who touch my life, I express my deep desire to commit myself by vow to follow Jesus Christ.

Discernment in religious life is a community effort. The letter goes to our Congregation Leadership - I should have their answer within the month. The big date would be in October. This is but the first step of many into the deepest depths of the heart of Jesus. I'm happy to report that several days after writing and mailing the letter, my head and heart are still very much at peace with the decision.

the mooooovies

Those of you who know me in real life and not just online know that this is very true ....

Your Movie Buff Quotient: 76%

You are a total movie buff. Classics, blockbusters, indie favorites... you've seen most of them. Your friends know to come to you whenever they need a few good DVD rental suggestions.

Are You a Movie Buff?

I love, as my friends Katie & CoCo call them, the mooooooovies. Watching them on tv or video just isn't the same. There's something about the dark theater and the big screen that makes paying the overly priced admission fee worthwhile - or at least seems so!

I've been in Jersey City a week and a half and I've already found a theater where matinees before noon on Saturday are only $6. (Sad that I can write "only" and "$6." But as addictions go, movies aren't that bad of a one to have.) And I must also admit that it makes me feel more at home, knowing that I have a safe place to sneak off to see a movie on a Saturday morning ... after mass of course!

Yes Virginia ... nuns go to the movies too!

London by bus

When my friend Beth lived in London eons ago, she commented that when she took the underground she felt like a mole, popping up at location b after having traveled there underground from location a. Being underground, you miss all the sights!

I've been taking the bus for most trips, in part so I can see more of London. Plus it's much cheaper! Only 90p per ride with my Oyster Card (and if I were receiving public benefits it would be half that courtesy of Hugo Chavez and the Venezuelan Government). It's a bit trickier to figure out bus routes, but Transport for London has a great trip planner online.

The other day I took a new bus route to attend a lecture by Rabbi Lionel Blue (he was great by the way and while I'd never heard of him, he is well known here and is apparently a regular on Radio 4). As I walked from my bus stop to the Sion Centre where the talk was, I realized I was walking by Portabello Road in Notting Hill, scene of that great scene in Notting Hill the movie where Hugh Grant takes a melancholy walk down Portabello Road as the seasons pass by. I was early so I took a little detour and walked by the brightly colored antique shops. I even saw a Spike look-alike! The picture is of the character Spike from Notting Hill - not Rabbi Lionel Blue, in case you were wondering. ;)

Today I had to run a few errands after work, so I ended up taking a different bus home than usual and ended up going by the Abbey Road Studios. I'd heard that this particular bus went by the studios, but was wondering if I'd be able to spot it as the bus zoomed by. I shouldn't have worried ... the gaggle of Japanese tourists having their pictures taken outside was a dead give away.

Before boarding that particular bus, I found myself walking through Leicester Square after picking up my ticket for the matinee of Parade tomorrow afternoon (recommended by Bloggy Friend Mollie.) I lost my footing and as I looked down at the ground in an effort to regain my balance, I saw Coling Firth's hand prints. I didn't have my camera with me, but luckily some other Mr. Darcy fan has already put it on the internet.

That's your not so serious random London update for the day.

control vs. kaos

Why is there a picture of a man holding a shoe that's actually a phone? Well, it's Maxwell Smart of course! When I saw the Harry Potter movie a few weeks ago, I was thrilled to see that there's a big screen version of Get Smart coming soon to a theater near you. I loved that show!

But that's not why his picture is there. His picture is there because I was reminded of Get Smart when I read this post by Sarah at the nun thing. Sarah is preparing to enter her own community of groovy sisters in Australia, so it's only natural that she's thinking about a little thing we call "control."

So it's not really surprising that the big unsureness of not knowing where I'm going to be living in a months time is getting to me. I'm clutching at spanners, trying to prepare for the more likely eventualities and it's driving me nuts!

I know I'm meant to take my hands off the steering wheel at this point but it's hard. I'm a grown up. I've been planning and running my own life for some time now and while it's not been a mapped out kind of adventure there has been some planning. I'm used to planning. I like planning.

And yet in this, it's not me that gets to plan. and that is really quite frustrating!

What does this have to with Get Smart you ask???? Because Maxwell Smart was a secret agent for a spy angency called "Control", of course! And what was the name of the enemy spy agency? "Kaos!"

As a grown woman entering religious life, it's not poverty or celibacy that I find the biggest challenge, but rather the whole idea of giving up my independent life and not being the sole agent in control of what I'm doing in 10 minutes, 10 hours or 10 years from now. While it's not quite the same as it was prior to Vatican II, when our Sisters received a piece of paper in the summer telling them to pack their trunk and show up at such and such school on September 1st*, it's also not like it was when I was a single woman in charge of my own destiny.

I remember last summer when I was preparing to enter the Novitiate I had a minor freak out moment when I looked at my calendar and realized that after September 8th - the date of my entrance - I had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING! Like Sarah, I'm a planner. I found it so hard not to know what would come after that date. What I have been living into ever since then is a little thing we call trust and being in the present moment. Because the interesting thing is, even if I haven't been the sole planner of my life and activities, I have been an active participant. It's just that now I have others involved in those decisions - my community leadership, my novice director, the Sisters I live with. Instead of being independent or dependent, I'm interdependent - or working on it anyway. In a weird way I'm finding that there's some freedom in not being the sole decision maker. I get the valuable input and wisdom of those around me, as well as their support and companionship along the way.

Which isn't that much different from Maxwell Smart. Alone, he could never defeat the forces of Kaos. He always needed the guidance of his Chief and the assistance of Agent 99. No one, after all, is an island!


*In religious life these days there is much more of what we call "mutual discernment" in deciding ministry and living situations. My friend Julie hosted a great discussion on mutual discernment awhile back if you'd like more info on that concept.

the magic of movies

A few months ago I discovered a life saver of sorts ... the local $4 movie theater. Keeping in mind that I live in the NYC metro area where movies are normally in the $10 range, this is a major find! As an added bonus, they seem to have some artsy movies in their repertoire. Last month I saw the Last King of Scotland and Amazing Grace there. It is nice to take an occasional break from the novitiate and spend a few hours in another world through the magic of movies. I find it does wonders for my sanity!

Today, I went with a few groovy sisters to see Miss Potter - the story of Beatrix Potter. The pair I went with were excited because they had visited the Lake District/Beatrix Potter land when they were visiting our English groovy sisters last year. I was excited because my movie boyfriend Ewan McGregor was one of the stars. (If you're wondering if nuns can have movie boyfriends, click here for further explanation). It was a delightful movie and everyone was happy!

Back to Amazing Grace - it is the story of William Wilberforce who has the "force" behind the movement to abolish the slave trade in England. It's a great movie, especially for those exploring the idea of vocation, and not necessarily in the religious vocation sense.

Two scenes from Amazing Grace that struck a cord with me:

Scene 1:William Wilberforce is praying outside in the garden when his butler happens upon him. I say William is praying, but really he is boyishly enjoying the wonders of nature and is embarrassed to be discovered. "Have you found God sir," asks the butler. "You could say that he has found me," replies William. Do you have any idea how inconvenient that is?"

Scene 2: William Wilberforce is struggling to discern whether God is calling him to the clergy & a solitary life or to become politically active. He is at a dinner party arranged especially by a friend who wants him to get involved in the movement to abolish slavery. One of the guests who is aware of his personal dilemmas says: "We understand you are a having problems deciding if you are to be doing the work of God or that of a political activist. We humbly suggest you can do both."

(By the way, my friend V told me that Ioan Gruffudd - who plays William Wilberforce - his her new movie boyfriend, replacing Colin Firth of Mr. Darcy fame)

the why behind the crazy things we do

Movie nights are always fun. Tonight we watched an oldie but goodie here at the Novitiate House ... Field of Dreams. My Dad is from Iowa farm country, so I've always gotten a kick out of this movie. Especially the comparisons of Iowa to heaven!

I think most people know the plot, but if not basically this farmer named Ray, played by Kevin Costner, hears a voice that tells him "If you build it, he will come." He plows under his corn to build a baseball field, everyone thinks he's crazy, but sure sure enough baseball players from bygone eras come to play ball. There's more to the story, but that's the gist.

It's been years since I've seen the movie. Tonight this bit of dialogue jumped out at me:
Ray: I've done everything I've been asked to do. I didn't understand, but I've done it. I haven't once asked what's in it for me.
Shoeless Joe: What are you saying?
Ray: I'm saying, "What's in it for me?"
Shoeless Joe: Is that why you did this? For you? ... I think you'd better stay here, Ray.

Hmmm.... I didn't hear voices in a corn field, but I too have done crazy things. Like leaving a good life where I had wonderful friends and did good work to live in a convent on the Hudson where I am far from my friends and doing the hard "inner work". I admit that sometimes I find myself asking, "Why am I doing this. What's in it for me?".

Well, I know there's actually quite a bit in this for me ... like the hope and dream of building an integrated life. And I know that the question, "what if" would never have gone away. Sometimes you need to listen to the crazy voice inside.

But Shoeless Joe's question hit me deeply. "Is that why you did this? For you?." In all honesty, no sane person would do this for themselves. Just like no sane person would plow under their corn field to build a baseball field in the middle of no where. The movie talks about "cosmic forces." For me, I know what the answer to Shoeless Joe's question is ... I did this for God. To know God more deeply and to be the me that God knows I can become. Like Ray, I think I need to stick around here to let what that means sink in a bit more.

a world in need of a miracle

In today's Gospel, Jesus is moved with pity for the crowd gathered around him and before we know it, the miracle of the loaves of fishes has happened. All were fed, and what started as 7 loaves and a few fish ended up filling 7 baskets full.

I love the version of this story in the movie Millions, told by St. Peter to the child-hero of the film. It goes like this ... (courtesy of some kind soul who transcribed the entire script and posted it online)

St. Peter: "Anyway, this kid comes up to us, about your size, … with these loaves and fishes. Sardines. And Jesus blesses them and passes the plate round. Now the first person he passes it to, passes it on. He doesn't take anything. He just passes it on. Do you know why? Because he had a piece of lamb hidden in his pocket. And as he is passing the fish, he sneaks a bit of meat out and pretends he's taken it off the plate. Do you see what I'm saying? And the next person exactly the same story. Every single one of them has their own food. And every one of them is keeping it quiet. Looking after number one. But as that plate went round with the sardines on it, they all got their own food out and started to share. And then that plate went all the way round and back to Jesus and it'd still got the fish and the loaves on it. I think Jesus was a bit taken aback. He says, 'what happened? 'And I just said 'miracle'. And at first I thought I'd fooled him. But now I see it was a miracle, one of his best. But this little kid had stood up and everybody there just got bigger."

I love this "eyewitness" account. I know it's an unorthodox interpretation, but I think we can learn alot from it. Especially given this article that my brother sent my way: "Richest 2 Percent Own Half the World." Seems to me there's a lot of sharing and getting bigger to be done.

Happy Advent.