Tuning In

It's been a while since I've used the random setting on my mp3 player for bloggy inspiration through a writing exercise I call "tuning in."  Long time readers may remember that I started doing this during my religious formation as a way to work through some of the unbloggables - those thoughts there under the surface or deep underneath that don't quite form themselves into easily consumable or bloggable thoughts.

Here's how it works:  Hit random on your mp3 payer and see what songs (and possibly message) come up.  As I learned in my theology classes, there's something called a "surplus of meaning."  That is, you can get a message from something that wasn't necessarily intended by the author.  Or, put another way, you hear what you need to hear.  So here goes on this Sunday evening:

Song #1 - Give Peace a Chance, by John Lennon (watch/listen)

Ev'rybody's talkin' 'bout
Minister, Sinister, Banisters and Canisters,
Bishops, Fishops, Rabbis, and Pop Eyes, Bye bye, Bye byes
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance

There is certainly plenty of strife crying out for peace in our world.  Syria.  Millions living in situations of human trafficking.  Our political scene.  Our Church.  Our hearts are yearning for peace, and yet we silly humans somehow find it easier to perpetuate situations of violence and division rather than pathways to peace.  We talk.   But what do we do?

Song #2 - Girl Sailor, by the Shins (watch/lisen)

A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide

The more I have learned about movements of active nonviolence, the more I have realized that it needs to start from a deep contemplative space.  Being rather than doing.  Doing has its time and place, but when grounded in a deep experience of God's love real change (internal & external) happens.  Think about Martin Luther King, Gandhi or Dorothy Day.  Each was a deeply prayerful person. When it comes down to it, you do have to let your heart decide.  I have to let my heart decide.  And my heart chooses love.

Song # 3 - It Might Be Hope, by Sara Groves (watch/listen)

you do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes it's demands
you hold on as well as you’re able
you've been here for a long long time
hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it

That doesn't make it easy.  It's not like you choose love, and it's all moonbeams and rainbows.  Life can be messy.  But God is there in the messy.  Time and again life has given me opportunities to learn this lesson.  Journeying with my mother through her cancer and death.  Supporting my father in his own health issues. Crazy elections related hullabaloos in my bureaucratic past.  Choosing love seems to open me up to seeing the possibilities, rather than focusing on the closing doors.  It helps me to stay open to hope, open to life, open to more love.

Song # 4 Panic, by the Smiths (watch/listen)

Panic on the streets of London
Panic on the streets of Birmingham
I wonder to myself
Could life ever be sane again ?

Which is important, because life has the tendency to spin into moments of crazy from time to time.  Many years ago, just before I entered the novitiate, my life exploded into moments of crazy.  No need to go into the whole story here, but I found myself a topic of conversation in the public sphere.  The experience was one I'd be happy not to repeat.  I remember thinking something along those lines, "Could life ever be sane again?"  Who knows what the experience would have been like if I had not been planning to enter religious life.  I had a spiritual director.  I was developing a prayer life.  I had a community of love and support surrounding me.  All of that helped me to navigate the panic.  There's a lesson there too.

Song # 5 Life of Christ Renew Me, by Margaret Rizza

Life of Christ, renew me
Way of Christ, direct me
Truth of Christ, restore me
Peace of Christ, surround me

Amen.

Tuning In

I must admit that the creative juices have not been flowing of late. No major unbloggables, just nothing to blog! So this evening after my Christology class I turned to an oldie but goodie from my blogging practice ... hit random on the iPod and see what songs (and possibly message) come up. As I've been learning in my theology classes, there's something called a "surplus of meaning." That is, you can get a message from something that wasn't necessarily intended by the authors. Or put another way, you hear what you need to hear. So, let's go to song #1:

1. Brian Wilson by Bare Naked Ladies (watch/listen)

So I'm lying here

Just staring at the ceiling tiles

And I'm thinking about

Oh what to think about

Just listening and relistening

To Smiley Smile,

And wondering if this is some kind of creative drought

First of all, this song is always a little trip down memory lane. Somewhere in my scrapbooks from college I have a scavenger hunt list with Bare Naked Ladies on the top circa 1991. Some friends and I named our team after this obscure Canadian band that someone had a demo tape for. I always found it funny that they later hit it big(ish).

Back to the song. It's pretty descriptive of my creative energy lately. I've actually had lots of creative energy, but have been using most of it on a few projects at my peace and justice ministry as well as school. Plus this bug which is still hanging on has me a bit tapped out. Having been in "creative droughts" in the past, I know/hope that this too will pass!

2. Polyester Bride by Liz Phair (watch/listen)

And I was sitting not two days ago

Feeling lonely, 'cause I'm just feeling low ...

And Henry said

You're lucky to even know me

You're lucky to be alive

This one too is both descriptive and bring back memories, this time circa 1998 and my late 20s. But I digress. Back to the descriptive bit ... I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. Not necessarily lonely or even low, just out of sorts. At the same time though, I've experienced the blessing of community--both those I live with, and just friends and folks who care about me.

3. Planet Earth by Duran Duran (watch/listen)

Look now, look all around, there's no sign of life

Voices, another sound, can you hear me now?

This is planet earth, you're looking at planet earth

Woah, talk about a blast from the past! Back in the day, and that would be 6th grade, I was slightly obsessed with Duran Duran. To the point that every October 27th I think it's someone's birthday only later to realize it's not a friend, but Simon LeBon who was born on that day!

Remember when I wrote a bit above about the creative energy in my peace and justice ministry? I had a lot of fun today finishing up the final touches on a workshop I'm giving later this week at a local Catholic high school on Climate Change. Now I'm sure "Planet Earth" is going to be going through my head, even though it was recorded many years before the students were even born! Seriously though, it's been a fun project, especially since I'm also on the Climate Change core group for our congregation.

4. I Hope by Dixie Chicks (watch/listen)

There must be a way to change what's going on

No, I don't have all the answers, but

I hope

For more love, more joy and laughter

I hope

you'll have more than you'll ever need

I hope

You'll have more happy ever afters

I hope

We can all live more fearlessly

And we can lose all the pain and misery,

Yes, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Out of the fog and funk of the past week or so, lots of exciting things on the horizon. A good place to be as we get ready to begin the 40 days of Lent.

Tuning In - Long Distance Care Version

When I was in the novitiate, I often found it easier to blog about the deeper stuff using a little trick I call tuning in. Simply put, I set my itunes/ipod to shuffle and see what songs (and possibly message) emerge. As I've eluded to on the blog, I've been preoccupied of late with something happening 3,000 miles away as my Dad faces a pretty major medical situation. It's hard to share, but at the same time it seems like this is the stuff I should be blogging about both for myself and for others. So, this Sunday evening I thought I'd try this old trick and see what happens. So, ipod set to shuffle and we have ....

1. “My Soul is Longing” by Monica Brown

My soul is longing for you my God

At mass this morning, we sang a different song, "Center of My Life." In the midst of all the craziness of my life at the moment, it felt good and right to be singing "O Lord, you are the Center of My Life. I will always serve you, I will always praise you, I will always keep you in my sight." Sitting in church, singing these words, I felt a deep longing for God, even if words fail at the moment. The readings and homily were all about prayer, and perseverance in prayer.

2. “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” by the Smiths (listen)

“So please, please, please,

let me, let me, let me,

get what I want

this time.”

Ok, so if I'm honest, words don't fail. The only words that come to me these days in prayer are these, and what I want is for my Dad to get better and to have a good quality of life for a few more years. No matter how much my spirituality has deepened over the past years, at times like this it really is this simple.

3. “Jesus, Your Heart is a Womb” by Margaret Rizza

Open to mystery, God in the trinity

Jesus your heart is a womb, holding our humanity, wounded in fragility

Which brings us to images of God. In the midst of everything else going on in my life these days, I'm taking a very interesting course in Christian Anthropology. Our readings this week were from Fragmentation and Redemption by Caroline Walker Bynum about, among other things, images of men and women and images of God in the middle ages. One of her main points is that in the middle ages, Jesus was often imaged as having both masculine and feminine characteristics. Funny given that I'd spent the day reading such things that this song came up in the mix!

More to the point for me, is my own image of God. Yesterday I needed to get away and so I went for a little drive to Snoqualmie Falls. As I was standing there at the lookout watching the majesty of the waterfall, I found myself thinking of God. One the one hand, for the most part I no longer think of God as the puppet master God, moving us around and making things happen because we ask really really nicely. And yet, as song #2 illustrates, part of me wishes it were so because then God could just fix it. Then, looking at the waterfall, I thought of how powerful God is. How amazing all of creation is and love, human relationship, etc... And I admitted quietly, to myself and to God, that I'm a bit confused.

4. “Australia” by the Shins (listen)

I felt like I should just cry,

Worried and confused. Holding it together for the most part, until some kind person asks how my Dad is doing and then I lose control of my control.

5. “Saint Rosa and the Swallows” by the Thermals (listen)

passing all the days I switched to auto mode

This week it's 7 years since my mom died. 10 years since she got sick. 6 years since my Dad had an accident that shifted his life. Most of the time during all those years, life has gone on. For one thing, I managed to stop ignoring my heart's desire and took the leap into religious life during that time. My sister, brother and nephew got married. Another brother got divorced. My niece was born. And just his past year, my sister adopted my adorable new nephew. Good, beautiful and wonderful things have happened in my own daily life too. But there are also moments, like these past two weeks, when what's going on 3,000 miles away has much more significance than what's going on here, and really I'm just making it through on auto mode.

6. “Sing a Song for them” by Jenny Lewis (listen)

Sing the song for them

If you sing a song, sing the song for them

With all the suffering in the world, and with all the family members, friends and loved ones on auto pilot, it's amazing that things happen at all if you think about. But they do, because there's more than just the pain and suffering. There is love, relationship, solidarity, all the good things that come with being human. Yes there's pain, but part of the mystery I think is that we're all meant to be together with each other, in the mix of the pleasure and the pain.

7. “Sidewalk” by Built to Spill (listen)

What hasn't changed for you

Can you wait for the sidewalk

Waiting for you

Can you wait for the sidewalk

Can it wait for you

So life goes on. We can't wait for the sidewalk--it's already there--waiting for us to step out onto it and go for a walk. A silly song (with a catchy tune) but true. It's a gentle balance during these crisis times. Taking the time, taking care, while also being as present as possible to the life you are in. So great to have the support of community, even if sometimes I just need some personal space. But I know they are there. Same with family, even if the siblings are also thousands of miles away. Together, we will get through this. And life will go on.

Those are my deep mixed up thoughts this Sunday evening.

Peace

Soundtrack of My Life - Voice of the Beehive

This musical moment in the soundtrack of my life has a bit of a preface. In high school, I discovered a band called Voice of the Beehive. I loved their album, Let it Bee, which was in regular rotation all through high school and well into my 20s. It’s catchy feminist pop songs like “Don’t Call Me Baby” fit the self-determination mode I was in.

There was one song that, despite the ridiculous title—“There’s a Barbarian, In the Back of My Car”—that I really liked. And one song, a bonus track, that I seriously disliked and I usually tried to eject the CD before it played … a cover of “Jesus” by the Velvet Underground. Now, why did I dislike the song? Remember that I was in my anti-religious phase. I guess I found it “hokey.” In my early 30s I discovered the CD again in my music collection. I was surprised by how much I still really liked the album … and I was really surprised that now my favorite song was, yes you guessed it, their cover of Jesus. Now instead of waiting to eject the CD before it started, I waited in anticipation.

Now, the musical soundtrack moment. It was August 2004. I was driving up to Seattle for my first nun-rendezvous … attending a vocation retreat at the Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace. I was nervous, so for the last stretch of the drive, I put in the familiar Let it Bee for a calming effect. The CD was almost finished as I pulled off of I-405 onto Bellevue Way. As I pulled off Killarney Way and into the St. Mary-on-the-Lake Parking lot, my new favorite Voice of the Beehive song started to play:

Jesus, help me find my proper place
Jesus, help me find my proper place
Help in my weakness
Cause I’m falling out of grace.
Jesus, Jesus
Help me find my proper place.

Seriously. No April Fool’s.

Prayer comes in unexpected forms. And what is it they say about being careful what you pray for?

Soundtrack of My Life - Caught in Love

It’s time for another Belle & Sebastian moment in the soundtrack of my life … this one a little less sinister. It’s captures the moment when I realized that implausible and crazy as it seemed, maybe God WAS calling me to some sort of religious vocation. And even more implausible and crazy was the incredible light and joy I felt when I seriously considered the possibility!

The moment takes place is in my beloved (and long gone) 2002 black Honda civic, driving to the Oregon Coast. I’d had a series of meetings with spiritual director/vocation director type folks to help sort out all these crazy thoughts and needed to get out of town. Plus, I’ve always found that the ocean really helps me to let God break through all the stuff I put in the way.

Anyway, I was driving through the Gifford Pinchot forest on my way to the coast when “If You Find Yourself Caught in Love” by Belle & Sebastian played on car stereo:

If you find yourself caught in love
say a prayer to the man above
thank him for everything you know
you should thank him for every breath you blow

If you find yourself caught in love
say a prayer to the man above
thank him for every day you pass
you should thank him for saving your sorry ass …

But If you don’t listen to the voices then my friend
You’ll soon run out of choices
What a pity it would be
You’re talking freedom don’t you see
The only freedom that you’ll ever really know
Is written in books from long ago
Give up your will to Him that loves you
Things will change, I’m not saying overnight
You’ve got to start somewhere

I can’t tell you how many times I’d listened to that song … and yet for the first time it seemed I heard the words-- you've got to start somewhere. And as I heard them, a light broke through the clouds of the forest and the crazy seemed less crazy. When I put aside all my well reasoned ideas why it was crazy that I of all people was being called to become a Sister, when I quieted all the voices that said “No,” the sound of the call was so clear, as was the “Yes” of my heart. Somehow, this song helped me to get to that moment. More than once actually. I’ve often wondered what the songwriters would think if they knew that this peppy little ditty played a major role in my decision to become a woman religious and be caught in love!

Soundtrack of My Life - Feeling Sinister

Yesterday, I mused a bit about the soundtrack of my life, as my college age self tried to navigate a world where suffering exists. Today we shift to my 30-something self, still trying to make sense of suffering but in the downright dirty and personal sense. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, to prepare you for seeing someone you love suffer and die. And yet, it’s such an integral part of life that I think everyone goes through—or works hard to avoid.

This isn’t the soundtrack of this particular moment of my life, but Death Cab for Cutie actually get pretty close to describing what it’s like in their song “What Sarah Said”:

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU …
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me …
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

Let’s just say that the experience of seeing someone you love suffer both breaks your heart and permanently expands it. At least, in my case that seems to be what happened … in the long term.

In the short term though, it just made me feel sinister. Which leads me to the soundtrack moment of this particular post … “If You’re Feeling Sister” by the Scottish Pop Group Belle & Sebastian:

If you are feeling sinister
Go off and see a minister
He’ll try in vain to take away the pain
Of being a hopeless unbeliever.
La la la la la la.

The moment was the summer before my Mom died, after two years of sitting in the ICU and the hospital and the nursing home and my cubicle as I tried to get along with work and pretend that the world hadn’t shifted in incomprehensible ways. I was cynical and angry and confused and unhappy and bitter and, well, sinister. Irrational as I knew it to be, I felt guilty that I’d stop hoping or praying or believing that she’d get better. I just wanted her suffering to end.

And while I was feeling sinister, I did not go off to see the minister. Not only did I stop praying, I stopped going to church entirely. Now, seeing as I’d become the quintessential church geek this was a bit of a challenge. I went through the motions, attending the occasional peace & justice commission meeting and teaching the occasional Sunday School Class. But even when I was there, I wasn’t there. I thought I just needed some space to work things out. That space though, turned into something not so good which left me feeling all alone and decidedly more sinister. Which is where the minister comes in.

I didn’t go see the minister, but he called me. Fr. Steve called one day for some bogus reason. I think he had said he wanted to chat about selling fair trade coffee after mass. Really, he was opening a door. And his call was all the invitation I needed. That simple call brought me back. While I was no closer to understanding suffering in general, and certainly no closer to accepting the particulars of why my mom had to suffer so, I was able to open the door a crack again for the light of God’s peace to begin to defrost my cold heart. And for that, I am so very grateful.

Whenever I hear this Belle & Sebastian song, I think back to that phone call. And smile.

Soundtrack of My Life - Dear God

This Holy Week on the blog we’re taking a listen down memory lane … or the soundtrack of my life. (See Sunday’s post for an introduction). Simply put, I find that certain songs define certain moments in my life.

Seeing as it is Holy Week, it seems appropriate somehow to write about a song that always draws me back to my room on Upper Main in Stewart Dorm circa 1990 … “Dear God” by XTC.

Dear God, sorry to disturb you
but I feel that I should be heard loud and clear
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears
and all the people that you made in your image
see them fighting in the street
cause they can’t make opinions meet about God
I can’t believe in you

Back in the day, I considered myself a recovering Catholic. After 12 years of Catholic school, I’d stopped going to church. I found myself increasingly frustrated with a male-dominated church that focused on sexual morality, while the world was falling apart around us. The Catholic Church didn’t seem particularly relevant to modern life, and so I left.

I went 3,000 miles across the country to the Pacific Northwest where religion didn’t seem to be much of an issue. It was easy to be non-religious at Lewis & Clark, which while I was there was named the #1 school where God is not by US News & World Report—or something like that. Meanwhile, I watched the 1st Gulf War from the large screen tv in my dorm lounge (man that makes me feel old) , marched with 10,000 others through downtown Portland and stayed up all night in my dorm room debating what the political landscape would look like in a post-cold war world and lamenting all the horrible things being done in our name. Suffering it seemed was all around. And while I still believed in God, I had a hard time figuring out how it was that God “let it all happen.” Hence the affinity of my 18 year old self with this song.

20 years later—now I REALLY feel old!—of course, I’m a nun. Funny how that happened! While I’m still deeply concerned with the existence of suffering in the world, I’m no longer mad at a God that “lets it all happen.” Most of the time anyway. Not that I’ve figured it all out, but it just seems to a 38 year old me that suffering simply is—in many cases caused by other people—but that God is there with us in the midst of it all. Ready to listen to our complaints. Ready for us even not to believe. Hoping we’ll reach out to our brothers and sisters and act in solidarity for justice.

Soundtrack of My Life

Music has always been an important part of my life. Not that I'm musical, but good music is a key part of how I make sense of the world. I chalk it up partly to having two older brothers who had great taste in music. It also helped that they liked their little sister and made mix tapes for me. They even put up with my tweeny obsessions with Duran Duran and Corey Hart—before I think the term tween was even coined.

From an early age then, I was exposed to “college rock,” “progressive rock,” “alternative” or “indie” music, whatever label fits the day. Bonding with my brother Michael would involve hanging out in the record store … yes there were still records, although they were shifting to tapes and then these shiny things called CDs. When we'd be driving in the car and I'd hear a song I'd like, I'd ask him who it was by. He'd always answer with the same name ... "Matthew Broderick." Brothers! ;)

Certain songs define certain moments. I hear them and they draw me right back in to the thoughts, the feelings, the memories, the way the light hit the floor. In a way, I guess you can call them the Soundtrack of My Life.

In fact, I made a mix CD with that title for myself in October of 2003—the month my mother died. I had it on repeat on the cd player in the kitchen of my parent’s house as I cooked and puttered and organized and cleaned in those days. I haven’t listened to the CD is years. I rarely listen to CDs in fact, my iPod having made them obsolete, which is somewhat sad itself in a certain way. I miss listening to a mix CD and knowing which song came next. If I made the mix myself, I’d think of why it was I placed them in that particular order. Or, if someone else made the mix, I’d try to think of what connections they were making. But I digress.

Sometimes the song “A Minor Incident” by Badly Drawn Boy comes up in the supersize mix that is my iPod. And I need only hear those opening poignant bars to be instantly drawn back into that kitchen … somewhere between broken hearted and open hearted.

There’s nothing I could say to try to make you feel ok
And nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do
And if the chance should happen that I never see you again
Just remember that I’ll always love you

Tuning In Tuesday

When I was in the novitiate, I often found it easier to blog about the deeper stuff using a little trick I call tuning in. Simply put, I set my itunes/ipod to shuffle and see what songs (and possibly message) emerge. I've been super busy of late and not terribly good about blogging about my life. Thought I'd try this old trick and see what happens. So, ipod set to shuffle and we have ....

Song # 1 Chicago by Sufjan Stevens (listen/watch here)

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow

I turned 37 this summer, and the longer I live the truer it seems that all thing go. Things that once seemed so important, not so much. And at the same time, all things grow. Things that seemed somewhat unimportant, that's where it's at. What am I talking about? Nothing in particular really. Just the perspective that comes with age. I of course have spent the past 10 months living with wisdom women - Sisters who have celebrated 60 or even 70 years in religious life. Which makes them in their 80's and 90's. They really seem to have the proper perspective on life, which I hope to remember in the years to come.

Song # 2 Two of Us by Aimee Mann & Sean Penn (watch/listen)

You and I have memories
Longer than the road
That stretches out ahead

Next week I get to spend time with one of my best and oldest (as in I've know her a long time) friends at the lake. Just me and her family - her 8 year old son is my godson and her 10 year old is just a great kid. I'm really looking forward to family time with my non-family family. That is, I'm not related to them but it's just like family. We've been friends since the first day of college. There's something about hanging out with people who've known you forever ... you have memories, you have common ground, you don't have to try. Plus, did I mention she's super fun? And a great mom. With great kids. And a great husband. We're going to be staying at our vacation house on the lake. I always go to their house to hang out, this way it's like they can come to my house!

Song # 3 Song for Sunshine by Belle & Sebastian (watch/listen)

Sunshine, we all see the same sky
Looking,learning, asking the same 'why?

It's summer again here in the Northwest after a little rainy period. And the sun is shining! A few years ago I had one of those moments where you realize an obvious truth you've never noticed before .... everyone on earth, since there were people on earth, have seen the same sun. That means my grandparents basked in this sun. Jesus walked underneath this sun. You name it, the sun's rays at one point shined in their eyes. Another thought I had recently was that so many - if not all - of our human caused problems on earth would be solved if we just realized the simple truth that we are all brothers and sisters and acted that way. Simple perhaps, but if it were so simple wouldn't we have figured that out by now?

Song #4 "Many and Great" by Ricky Manalo

The Wheat grows from spring time to fall
the wine flows; in Christ we
recall the sharing of our
lives with one and all

I first new Ricky when he was a Deacon at my parish in Portland. As a priest, he baptized my godson mentioned under Song #2. He's a great guy, and a fabulous composer!

I've had some more "simple" thoughts lately during mass, along the same lines as #3 above. How amazing is it that Christians have shared the body and blood of Jesus in pretty much the same way and with the same meaning for the past 2,000+ years??? Granted, there are changes in rubrics and of course the various Christian traditions have different practices and understandings. But even if you just take the Catholic Eucharist, broken and shared all across the globe each and every day. What if we lived as if we "shared our lives with one and all" in Christ? What if I did? The idea of communion - with the Church - is pretty powerful when you stop and think about it. For me, it's not about rules or even ritual or symbol. It's about Jesus. Broken and shared for us.

Have you every had a "eucharist" moment that wasn't in the context of the mass? I have. I'll never forget my 31st birthday. Visiting my mom in the hospital. Sharing a muffin instead of birthday cake. THAT was Eucharist. The deepest kind of sharing of heart and soul.

Song #5 Stand by REM (watch/listen)

Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face West
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before

These are all deep (if disconnected) thoughts. And yet, my reality is where I am now. And where I am going. In song #1 I mentioned the amazing wisdom women I've been living with the past year. I'm getting ready to move across the lake to one of our smaller houses. And ready as I am in some ways (all figurative since the majority of packing has STILL not occured), I also leave this sacred space with a bit of sadness. Isn't it funny how much you appreciate something when it's gone? Of course, I won't really be gone. I'll just be across the lake. I'm planning to come over for mass and lunch on my days off, so that I'll still be able to connect and visit regularly. But for now, even in the busyness of life and chaotic mess of moving, it's important to stand where I am. Be present in the now.

So, my friends, those are my random disconnected "deep thoughts." Congrats if you made it through them all! :)

Ten Month Tune In

So I realized this weekend that I've been back in the Pacific Northwest for ten months ... and it's been almost 9 months since my first profession of vows! Wow! Where does the time go? As a wise friend said to me the other day, it's a sign that I'm where I'm supposed to be if the time passes by so quickly - and enjoyably.

I don't really have any unbloggables, but I thought I'd return to my old "tuning in" exercise. To recap, I set my iPod to random and see what songs play ... and if a message emerges.

Song # 1 "The Book I'm not Reading" by Patty Larkin (watch/listen)

The book I'm not reading is riveting

The book I'm not reading keeps me up at night

The book I'm not reading i better than tv giving me insight.

The book I'm not reading is history

The book I'm not reading is by some paperback writer

The book I'm not reading is a mystery

Who dunnit don't matter

Well, the book I'm not reading at the moment is Harry Potter 6. I'm planning to see the movie when I'm on vacation later this month with my old roommate Kathy. We have a tradition of rereading the movie to catch up! But I'm also not really reading any deep spiritual reading right now either. It' summer. I'm busy. I'm not reading much.

Song #2 "So Many Ways" by Mates of State (watch/listen)

There are only so many ways to earn your own surprise

I think what surprises me most is how filled my days and life are. And I don't mean filled with busyness - although that is true most days as well - but just how filled with life they are. I recently had my evaluation at work and in reflecting back, I realized that I'm not stressed out. I go to work, I'm busy all day long doing things I love, and then come back the next day. I guess I'm learning a difference between ministry and just a "job." I'm busy, but not stressed. I'm doing what I think I am meant to do at this point - peace and justice education and advocacy. I guess I'm just surprised that I found a way to spend my time doing what makes me happy, what I'm meant to do!

Song # 3 "Lord You Have Come" (watch/listen)

O Lord with your eyes set upon me,

gently smiling, you have spoken my name

all I longed for I have found by the water,

at your side I will seek other shores

Well said. I know there is a lifetime ahead of me, but at this point I feel like I have found all I longed for. With Jesus at my side. Simple but true.

Song # 4 "Purple Prose" by the Mystery Jets (watch/listen)

I'm a tourist

World at my feet

Across hither and dither

and hither and dither

and hither and dither

won't fall off my seat.

A tourist. Well, I do have abit of travelling ahead this summer. Going to the Bay Area for vacation with my friend Kathy (the aforemention HP6 viewing will occur). Then on retreat - also in the Bay Area. Then a trip back to my old stomping grounds in NJ for a CSJP committee meeting. But more than actual travelling, I guess I do feel a bit like the world is at my feet. In the sense that I'm at a place where I feel I can both make a difference and have my heart changed at the same time. But hopefully won't fall off my seat!

Tuning In - Five Months Later

It's February, which means it's five months since I left the Novitiate and started my ministry here in Seattle. And almost four months since I professed my first vows as a Sister of St. Joseph of Peace. And you know what .... I'm happy. Really happy.

Funny thing about happiness ... it's hard to put words on it. So I thought I'd try my trusty random music generator for inspiration.

Song # 1 - Brian Wilson by Bare Naked Ladies

So I'm lying here, just staring at the ceiling tiles.
and I'm thinking about what to think about.
Just listening and relistening to Smiley Smile,
and I'm wondering if this is some kind of creative drought

As I woke up this morning in my little room here at groovy sister hq I thought .. I'm happy. I sat in my room, looking around at my small collection of things. I thought to the Sisters in their rooms nearby, most probably up already chatting over coffee in the dining room. I turned on the radio and listened to npr - one of my favorite Sunday morning past times. A good way to start the day.

Song # 2 - Peace Peace by Sara Groves

Peace Peace it’s hard to find
trouble comes like wrecking ball
to you peace of mind
and all that worry you can’t leave behind

all your hopes and fears
all your hopes and fears
all your hopes and fears
are met in Him tonight

That's not to say I don't have worries or wonderings or concerns. As I was lying in bed I found myself thinking about all the things I need to do. For one thing - my room is a bit untidy and could use some attention. More than that I've got some projects at work that I need to get serious about. Then there are the people in my life that I care about and are facing tough times. And the world in general - I was listening to the radio after all, which carried lots of cares and concerns from across the globe into my room. But then, just as the song says, I realized .... all my hopes and fears are met in my loving God. I don't need to figure it all out. That doesn't mean I don't need to be present and pay attention, but when my worry machine gets revving up that's a reminder to me that I just need to spend some time in prayer. It doesn't make it all go away, but it does make it all that much more manageable. God is God, I am not. A good thing to remember.

Song # 3 - Someday You Will be Loved by Death Cab for Cutie

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known

Yesterday I went for a long walk in the neighborhood. The sky was blue. The sun was shining. The trees were reaching to the sky in all their majesty. And I felt again - as if for the first time - the love like nothing I could ever imagine. God is in the mix.

Song # 4 - The Shining by Badly Drawn Boy

And suddenly you're in love with everything

And suddenly, I realized that just as God loves me and God loves the world, I love God. And I love the world. Which is what drew me here, to this life. Which in turn makes me feel that much more loved, and ready to love the world that much more.

Song # 5 - Say it Ain't So by Weezer

Oh yeah.
All right.
Feels good.
Inside.

Enough said. Amen. Alleluia. May God be Blessed. Thanks be to God.

Happy Sunday Everyone!

Tuning In: The Moving Edition

Well, my bags are packed and my room is mostly clean. I've got a few little projects to finish up tomorrow and some folks to visit before I head back to Seattle on Tuesday evening! On the one hand it seems like ages ago that I started the Novitiate. On the other hand it seems like just yesterday. It's a bit hard to get a handle on my feelings at this transition time, so I thought I'd rely on the old random music generator to lead the way ...

Song #1: Punchlines by Mates of State (Watch/Listen on You Tube)

It's not the same without you around
It's not the same without you

We took my fellow 2nd year novice to the airport today ... she's a bit ahead of me in her travel plans. On the drive home I saw a billboard for ... I kid you not ... and advertisement for iwantoutofnj.com. It's a website for a real estate development in South Carolina of all things. Talk about odd. In any case, it caused me to realize that ready as I am to return to the Northwest and start ministry and get ready for vows, I will miss it here. I'll miss reading the NYT everyday and access to good pizza. Granted there are many things I won't miss (traffic and humidity to name two!), but I have spent two years here. Mostly I'll miss the people. I've made some good friends, and it won't quite be the same without them around.

Song # 2: Daytripper by the Beatles (Watch/Listen on You Tube)

One way ticket, yeah
It took me so long to find out
and I found out

I do in fact have a one way ticket back to Seattle. We came here two years ago on a one way ticket, and it certainly took me so long to find out ... about myself, about my relationship with God, about my call. I had a funny moment when I was on retreat, when I realized that I've been traveling on a spiral of sorts. I'd been working on this end of novitiate self-reflection and was spending some time with what I feel called to. I came to this brilliant realization, only to look back at my journal from four years ago and realize I'd traveled around the spiral to the same place I was when I started looking seriously into religious life! Although, to be fair, it is a deeper place now. And is likely to be deeper and deeper (God willing) as I continue to travel the spiral of the life of faith and vocation.

Song #3: 1234 by Feist (Watch/Listen on You Tube)

Oh, you’re changin’ your heart
Oh, you know who you are

I'm going back a changed woman. I've been on a heart journey these past two years, a journey which has brought me closer to God and to myself. I can't wait to see where the journey takes me next!

Song #4: May the Road Rise to Meet You by Lori True (Listen to a snippet here)

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon
your face, upon your face.
May the rain fall softly on
your fields,
And until we meet again,
may you keep safe in the
gentle, loving arms of God.

Honestly, this is the song that came next! All I have to say is .... Amen!

Tuning In - The To Do List Version

My time these days is governed by my gigantic to-do list of things I want/need to do before I leave the Novitiate House in September. Part of the list is to go through my notes/files from our workshops and classes and to read through my journal from the past year. The combined effect has been looking back at the inner work of this novitiate time. Inner work is always hard to express to someone other than me (and even sometimes to myself!) so I thought it might be interesting to resort to my trusty random music generator ...

Song # 1: That Dress Looks Nice on You by Sufjan Stevens (watch/listen)

When the world looks back,
when the face looks after that,
I can see a lot of life in you,
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.

Hard to express in words or not, looking back I see a lot of life, and a lot of life-changing, in the small everyday bits. In the hard bits. In the joyful bits. I can see a lot of life in me.

Song #2: Inside of Love by Nada Surf (watch/listen)

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do

This time for looking back is a gift, because sometimes it really is only by looking at the "aerial view" as it were that the patterns will show. This was definitely true when I was looking at my journal entries from the past two years. Time and again I would record a realization, as if for the first time, without realizing it was part of an amazing pattern of God in my life! Yet, reading over those entries with the distance of time, it is so obvious. I suspect the same would be true with a retrospective look at the past two years of blog entries!

Song #3: Dig Me Out by Sleater-Kinney (watch/listen)

Dig me out
Dig me in
Out of this mess baby out of my head
What do you want what do you know ...

I spent a lot of my first year of the novitiate digging myself out and simultaneously digging myself in. I spent a lot of time in my head, a lot of time bumping into old demons and the dark side of my own shadow. It wasn't fun, but necessary I think, to find my way into my heart, to God's heart, to my heart in God.

Song #4: Disillusion by Badly Drawn Boy (watch/listen)

Why do you have to make it so complicated
Can't it just be beautiful
I don't want to stifle your flight
I didn't mean to fall in love

These four lines really sum it all up. I could give you a list of lessons learned, mistakes made, patterns repeated, regrets and revelatory moments. But in the end, it's just beautiful ... in the end, I've simply fallen deeper into love with God, with my groovy sisters, with all that is.

Song #5: Rose by The Feeling (watch/listen)

Rose, I love ya
Especially today
Rose, I love your delicate way

Rose, of course, is my middle name! And I must say, increasingly these past few months, I have felt more and more the all encompassing and unconditional love of our God. Sadly, over the course of my life, this has been a hard thing for me to accept. Love God, check. Let God love me, that one for some reason has been harder. But God has managed to help me let God break through. That is probably the biggest gift of this time.

Song # 6: Funny Little Frog by Belle & Sebsatian (watch/listen)

You're the picture on my wall
You're my vision in the hall
You're the one I'm talking to
When I get in from my work ...
I am living out the life of a poet
I am the jester in the ancient court
And you're the funny little frog in my throat

In my experience, God has a wonderful sense of humor. Hence, I don't think God would mind being called "the funny little frog" in my throat! It brings me back full circle to one of my first posts on this blog, almost 4 years ago, where I quoted an even earlier me, Pedro Arupe and another Belle & Sebastian Song.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm called to have a relationship with God. I can't ignore it. I don't want to ignore it. I'm so excited to see where it takes me. Where I go. Who I meet along the way. What wonderful things I can accomplish with the peace and strength and guidance I get from God and my fellow travellers on earth. (Quote from an "earlier me," in my journal of the year 2000)

That was just a glimmer eight years ago. Four years ago it was a bit brighter at times. The past two years have helped me to step into the light. And for that, I am so very grateful!

marching on in formation

As I wind down my time here in Jersey City and prepare to return to the Novitiate for the "home stretch," I thought I'd let my itunes pick some songs at random and see if there's a message that comes out (this is a favorite bloggy exercise of mine).

Song # 1 ~ Walking on the Moon by the Police (listen/watch on YouTube)

Some may say
I'm wishing my days away, no way
And if it's the price I pay, some say
Tomorrow's another day, you'll stay
I might as well play

Song # 2 ~ True Faith by New Order (listen/watch on YouTube)

I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me
I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty

Song # 3 ~ Everyday is a Winding Road by Cheryl Crow (listen/watch on YouTube)

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer

Song # 4 ~ Peace Train by 10000 Maniacs (listen/watch on YouTube)

Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be, something good has begun

Song # 5 - My Eyes by Travis (listen/watch on YouTube)

As each day goes by, it makes way for another,
We discover that we're not alone
And each day we try, the best we can to recover,
All the feelings that we left below

Song # 6 - Sky Blue Sky by Wilco (listen/watch on YouTube)

Oh, the band marched on in formation
The brass was phasing tunes I couldn't place
Windows open and raining in
Maroon, yellow, blue, gold and gray

And what is the message? There's a definite theme of journey in these songs, but also a message of staying in the present. It's important to savor each moment, even as the days slip away. To remember to play, to savor the extraordinary feeling of rightness on the journey. To live into the future, in the company of community, dreaming the dreams God dreams together. As I prepare to return to the Novitiate House to discern/prepare for vows, my participation in our formation program continues. But as our Constitutions say:

Formation is a life-long process of creative growth as we participate in the mission of Jesus Christ through the vowed life. We believe that the Spirit leads each of us to an integrity of life expressive of the wholeness of peace.

And so, with my loving God and my community I continue on the journey ...

my inner dj returns

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. The meaning is obvious ... time is slip, sliding away. I've got this week and next week at my ministries. Then I'm spending a week at the UN with one of our Sisters who is our NGO representative (it's a conference on Sustainable Development that promises to be an amazing experience). Then one more week at my ministries. Then it's back to the Novitiate for the "home stretch" ...

There's a danger to start living into the future rather than being present in the future. So my prayer is a simple one ... to simply be present today (rather than slip sliding away).

musical discernment musings in the air

Speaking of music, … when I was flying out to Seattle almost two weeks ago (my how time flies), I was listening to music on my ancient ipod shuffle. As often happens, a string of songs played randomly on the shuffle that spoke deeply to my heart. Although I suppose it's not that random since I uploaded the songs from my itunes to the ipod, but you know what I mean. Anway, I wrote the song titles down on the back of my boarding pass because it seemed like there was really a message there that I was supposed to get.

Song # 1: "For Nancy - Cos it Already" is by Pete Yorn (you can listen/see this song on You Tube)

So take your lessons hard and stay with him
When your car crash comes, don't be misled
Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is
'Cos it already is

As I was flying out west, I was marking the year and a half mark of my novitiate. I have 6 months left, and as I wrote last week I have been feeling a bit of "senioritis." I've also been realizing that the time is coming when I'll need to write my letter to request vows. Vows are most likely less than 6 months away! There's still some wondering. Can I really do this? Is this really where I'm meant to be? Is the generation gap and other discernment issues any reason not to follow my heart? ... The message for me in this song is very clear and rings true: "Convince yourself that everything is alright ... 'cos it already is!"

Song # 2: "If Not Now" by Tracy Chapman (on You Tube)

If now now what then
We all must live our lives
Always feeling
Always thinking
The moment has arrived

What am I waiting for? Well for one thing, I'm still officially in the period of discernment. I don't even know the timeline yet for discernment for vows, or even when exactly vows will be. So there is a natural amount of waiting. But more existentially, this song helps me realize that the moment is now. If as my heart seems to be telling me this is where I can be the me both God and I dream I can be, that it makes sense to live now, today, as if the moment has arrived.

Song #3: I Had No Right by Dar Williams (sorry … not on You Tube)

God of the poor man this is how the day began
Eight co-defendants, i, Daniel Berrigan
Oh and only a layman's batch of napalm
We pulled the draft files out
We burned them in the parking lot
Better the files than the bodies of children

I had no right but for the love of you
I had no right but for the love of you

This song tells the story of Daniel Berrigan, which is so interesting to me because during my time back East I have had the wonderful opportunity to hear him preach a few times. Having heard Dan preach, it is so obvious that he is guided by a great love of the God of peace. That is what gets him up each day. God's love is what has drawn him into situations the rest of us might think are crazy. But whatever you think about his history of direct action and controversial acts, it is clear from meeting him that he lives from a great sense of personal peace and integrity. I don't think that I'm necessarily called to quite the same way of living religious life, but I do think that I am called (as we all are) to listening to my heart and living out of my own sense of integrity and peace.

Song # 4: He Woke Me Up Again by Sufjan Stevens (on You Tube)

And I hope, I hope you are tired out
And I know, I know there is joy endowed
But I was asleep
And he woke me up again
And he woke me up again to say

Hold on hold on to your old ways
Or put off put off every old face
And I know, I know you are changed out
I hope, I hope you're arranged out
But I'm still asleep
And you woke me up again

Again, back to my case of Senioritis. A part of me is SO ready for the Novitiate to be over and to begin living a more "normal" life as a Sister of St Joseph of Peace. I'm a bit tired out. I'm a bit changed out. There's only so much personal reflection and "sharing" one can do without getting tired of it! ;) ... But when I hear this song, I hear my loving God telling me that he knows I'm tired. I can take a rest. But He's going to wake me up again. And again. And again. Because life is for living and celebrating, not for sleeping through! And how can I forget that "there is joy endowed." What a promise!!!!

Song #5: Why Does it Always Rain on Me by Travis (on You Tube)

I’m seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong

When this song came up next, I just started to laugh out loud (which caused my fellow passengers to look askance at me). How fitting! I am seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights. Time has been flying by. And you know what, I do have the strangest feeling that I belong. This feeling was confirmed by a great week spent at west coast groovy sister hq. And this feeling was confirmed when I returned to the eastern province as well. I feel known and loved. I feel like I have a lot to contribute and look forward to what I will learn from my fellow groovy sister (and associates) travelers over the years to come. I'm able to live and enjoy life, and maybe make a bit of a difference as well. What more can you ask??

musically inspired deep thoughts of the day

I've been at a loss for what to write these days ... too much going through my head and heart really as I wind down my time here in the UK and prepare to return to the Novitiate House. So ... I'm turning to my trusty random music selector to set the tone, or is it tune?

Song # 1: Stand by REM

Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling

I didn't even know I HAD this song anymore! What this song says to me is similar to this post a while back - stand in the present moment. There's a temptation to think too much about certain unbloggable situations in the past or to jump too far into the unknown yet very near future (let alone the also unknown yet not so near future). But if I listen to reason, I come to know the simple truth Jesus shares with us in the 6th chapter of Matthew: "Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself."

Song # 2: Shimmer by Throwing Muses

I'll ride on a pony till I'm dusty and I'm old
My head is filled with flowers
And I'm dressed in shiny gold
I'm dressed in shiny gold
Keep an eye on me
I shimmer on horizons

Another oldie but goodie, this one from a more obscure band (and one of my all time favorites). I'm me and I'm human and I'm going to keep riding my pony so to speak, dwelling on the past and thinking about the future. I can acknowledge the wisdom in the words from the wise man from Nazareth, and yet I keep following the same old contrary and maddening patterns. Rather than beat myself up over my pesky patterns, what this song reminds me is of is another simple truth - this one from my post vatican 2 pseudo catechism classes ... God loves me. I'm dressed in shiny gold. I shimmer on horizons. Keep an eye on me.

Song # 3: Call and Answer by Bare Naked Ladies

I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again.

Very fitting. I was just reading my journal entries for the past three months, and I do feel like I'm beginning to integrate the me I was before with the me I'm becoming - if that makes any sense at all. There's a lot of wisdom to spending 3 months away in a new environment doing new things with new people after spending 12 months in the retreat setting of the canonical novitiate. Any congregational leadership or formation personnel reading this are probably saying a sarcastic "Thanks Susan for pointing out our wisdom!." I can't even articulate the experience, except to say that this line catches its essence: I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again. Not that I wasn't myself before, but I'm becoming more myself.

Song # 4: Impossible Germany by Wilco

But this is what love is for
To be out of place
Gorgeous and alone
Face to face
With no larger problems
That need to be erased
Nothing more important than to know
Someone's listening
Now I know
You'll be listening

When you get down to it, this entirely wonderful yet crazy journey is about one thing and one thing only ... Love. Love changes you - love is changing me. Last week the words that kept coming back to me in my reflection time were what it really means to "love God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." Even writing that it stops me ... it's such an awesome statement. I started to think of the vows as one way to do that - to really love God, to really love neighbor - it certainly got me thinking. And listening. It's good to remember that our relationship with the big guy is just that, a relationship. It takes two to tango, as they say. God loves me, but how do I love God? God listens, but do I listen to God?

Song #5: Something to Believe in by Shawn Colvin

There will always be stars in the wind
Little lines on your face when you grin
When it looks like you've done it again
And you just don't know where to begin
There will always be something to believe in

I love this song. When it looks like you've done it again and you don't know where to begin, there will always be something to believe in. God loves us more than we can imagine. If I, if we, can just hold onto that, all shall be well.

musical musings

My blog entries of late have ranged from my experiences of exploring the history of my groovy sisters to random observations from my time here in the UK. What hasn’t been here so much is the deeper journey, which is always so hard to process oneself let alone blog about! So I turn to my trusted friend, the ipod, for some randomly generated inspiration:

Song # 1: So Many Ways by Mates of State

Oh, oh what have you given me?
Nothing and everything

The other day I found myself lying in bed, thinking … Wow. How on earth did I get here? Sleeping in a single bed in a room overlooking a back garden in London, with two other Sisters sleeping in the adjacent rooms. Whenever I stop to think about my journey, really think about it, I am stopped in my tracks. God has given me everything, and yet it’s up to me to take that gift and live it so that it doesn’t become nothing. Part of what I was thinking about that night in bed was, what makes my life now any different from my life before, other than the fact that I’m spending 3 months living in London. How am I living into being a religious sister? A Sister of Peace? How do I bring that to my ministry? How do I bring it into me, while still maintaining my essential Susan-ness? Deep thoughts … but luckily I managed to fall asleep rather than tried to figure it all out.

Song # 2: Teach Your Children Well by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself

They’ve stayed in my prayer day after day lately, those questions. And the answer seems to be that I am on the road, trying to live the Constitutions of the CSJP’s, seeping myself in the history of our community as I get to know our present, living into the future, hoping to become the me God dreams I can be. It’s a journey, and I’m here for this experience as an essential part of that journey.

Song # 3: Crooked Teeth by Death Cab for Cutie

I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

Ah … my constant struggle. As an INTJ and a 5 on the enneagram, my head is constantly thinking. Constantly speaking. Constantly trying to overrun the heart. My head seems strong, but really it’s weak. The prayer images that have been returning to me all year have been heart images. Not trying to war with the head, but trying to bring balance to the equation.

Song #4: Crash into Me by Dave Matthews

Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock,
And sweet you roll
Lost for you, I'm so lost for you
Oh, and you come crash into me
And I come into you

Weird how this song I don't really like (mostly because I actually got into car crash shortly after hearing this song on the radio once!) reminds me of the Sacred Heart, which keeps thrusting itself upon me! Hey, I’m even in Sacred Heart Province right now!! Whenever I manage to quiet myself down and open myself to Jesus in silent prayer, I find myself yearning to open my heart to him, to open my heart to all of God’s children, to let down my defenses, to let him crash into me so I can come into him.

Song #5: Yankee Bayonet (I Will be Home Then) by the Decemberists

But oh my love, though our bodies may be parted
Though our skin may not touch skin
Look for me with the sun-bright sparrow
I will come on the breath of the wind

Don’t get me wrong, I have no delusions of being a mystic or anything, and it’s more desire than anything else. But then moments happen in life where the Spirit moves, be it in a sun-bright sparrow or the breath of the wind or the face of one of the clients at the day center or a random moment of the day. God moments.

Song #6: See A Little Light by Bob Mould

Listen, there's music in the air
I heard your voice, coming from somewhere …
I see a little light, I know you will
I can see it in your eyes, I know you still care

Those moments when God breaks through remind us that we are part of something greater than ourselves. They give us light. We can look into the eyes of another human being and see the eyes of Christ. We can hear the voice of a loved one and hear the voice of God. The journey of faith is the journey of life – they are one in the same.

Song #7: Heavy Metal by Clap your Hands Say Yeah

It's been a year and now we find…
What happened to our heavy metal?
What happened to our coat of arms?
We find that we're stuck in the middle
Picking up the pieces of our hearts

My coat of arms is not melted, more than one year into this novitiate experience. The desire to open myself is there, but in a way I am stuck in the middle. But I don’t think I’m picking up the pieces – I think I’m starting to put them together. Balancing community life with ministry and prayer is tricky, which is why it’s great to have these intensive experiences within the novitiate to try it out, make mistakes, live into this life as I continue my discernment journey.

Song #8: Native Son by the Judybats

What have you done
Where have you been
Who do you know
Where have you been
Who do you know?

And when I return, there will be plenty of opportunity with my spiritual director and novice director to reflect on this time. But for now, I think the key is to remain present in the moment over the next month and about a week before I head back to New Jersey.

a retrospective tuning in

One year ago this weekend, I added some letters to the beginning and end of my name. Yes, it's the one year anniversary of my reception as a Novice with the Sisters of St Joseph of Peace. 24 more years and I can celebrate my Jubilee! Tomorrow's the actual day, but as we'll be welcoming Dorothy as a novice tomorrow I suspect it will be a busy day - hence, this retrospective post one day early.

Much of my experience this year - as regular readers know - has been of the unbloggable variety. It has been quite a challenge to write and share the inner journey, as well as my journey into community. I've utilized an old friend of mine - music - and a newer friend - the ipod - the try to blog the unbloggable. I call it "tuning in," - the concept is to put the ipod (or itunes) on shuffle and see if a common theme emerges, recognizing that the Holy Spirit can work in many ways. I've created a label if you'd like to read earlier posts in the "tuning in" series.

But on to today ...

Song # 1 - "It Happens Everyday" by Dar Williams

Life is as hard and as easy as they say
Walking the steps we've chosen on this day
Some will be outrageous, some have rarely shown
Some will walk in couples, some will walk alone
As I think about the world I see
They stare and smile at me, at me

Do you remember the Barbie Doll that caused quite a controversy because when you pulled her string, one of the things she would say was, "Math is Hard"? Well, I often find myself pulling my own imaginary string and saying "Novitiate is hard." The inner journey is not for the faint of heart, and neither is living in community or growing from independence to interdependence. And yet, I find myself wanting to continue walking the steps I've chosen, that I continue to choose, each day. Religious life is a counter-cultural choice that comes with its own challenges, but deep down I'm realizing that I think it's the right one for me.

Song # 2 - "Different But the Same" by Ben Kweller

We contemplate, you gotta wait your own turn.
Up the noise, with some poison with great poise.
You can't compare it to...
Or let it scare you through...
If every thing you do is not as smoothly as we planned.
You gotta understand there is more for you….
You gotta be strong, you gotta teach your son
How to stand up straight when you want to run,
How to care and love, how to be yourself,
To be different but the same.

Odd how pop music can capture the moment. I'm sure Ben Kweller never thought these words could be applied to the canonical novitiate, but they can: waiting, contemplating, things not going as smoothly as you planned or hoped, learning to care, to love, to be yourself, to be different but the same. Really, that's the experience in a nutshell. There was even a moment (or two) when I wondered if I wanted to run, but in the end I trusted in the promise - as I continue to trust and grow.

Song # 3 -"Carlyle Lake" by Sufjan Stevens

Oh, stop thinking of tomorrow
Don't stop thinking of today
You're not getting any younger
You've got nothing to explain ...
It may take a while
It may take all day
All the implications
At the man-made lake
Oh stop thinking of tomorrow...

One of my mantras this year has been "I'm not entering the community to be a Novice, I'm a Novice to enter the community." I'm 35 years old. I have a college degree. I've had a professional career as well as lots of community organizing experience. I left all that behind because I felt a call to something more, to serve God & God's people, to do my part in building God's kindom of justice and peace. But not yet ... first comes Novitiate. Sometimes it's hard to be in between my past and future experiences, especially during this year of retreat. It's what one of our Novitiate presenters calls a liminal experience - living betwixt and between where transformation can take place. Next year will be different - more ministry and activity - but still living with the not yet. This is perhaps the hardest part for me of Novitiate.

Song # 4 - "Walken" by Wilco

The more I think about it
The more I know it's true
The more I think about it
The more I'm sure it's you
Honey I think you're just right
You're just right

And yet, with all the challenges and struggles and wonderings, the more I think about it, the more I know it's true. This is right. This is where I'm supposed to be. To grow, to learn, to be.

Song # 5 - "Because The Lord is My Shepherd" by Christopher Walker

Lord you are my shepherd
You are my friend
I want to follow you always
Just to follow My friend

Because Jesus - my teacher, my friend - is calling me, and I want to follow him with all my heart. I first remember hearing this hymn at the funeral of a very wise and wonderful woman named Margaret from my parish. It was before I recognized my own call, but it stirred something very deep within. Margaret understood what it meant to follow Jesus as her friend. In her life it led to marriage and motherhood and grandmotherhood. In my life it seems to be leading somewhere else entirely, but really the same place ... the heart.

Song # 6 "The Miracle" by Queen

The wonders of this world go on,
It's a miracle, it's a miracle, it's a miracle, it's a miracle,
The one thing we're all waiting for, is peace on earth and an end to war,
It's a miracle we need, the miracle, the miracle,
Peace on earth and end to war today,
That time will come one day you'll see when we can all be friends.

And the heart is really what it's all about. Somehow I can't help but think that someday we will realize that we are all God's children, brothers and sisters all, and there will be peace on earth and an end to war. And somehow, I think I've got a small part to play in that heart journey. And to add to the wonder of the miracle, I've found a wonderful group of groovy sisters with the same dream to journey with!

Song # 7 - "You Get What You GIve" by the New Radicals

You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give

So as this year ends and another begins, I can honestly say yes to what follows. It will not all be easy. There will be more challenges and struggles and wonderings, but you really do get what you give. This world is gonna pull through. I've got a reason to live, and to live life fully like the wondrous gift from God it is.

attempting to blog the unbloggable

Looking at my most recent posts - discussions of religious life and liturgy, silly blog quizzes, snippets of conversations overheard at the grocery store - it's not hard to guess that I've been in the world of unbloggables lately and struggling with how to write the experience without going into details I have no interest (or right) to share with the world on the blog. From experience I know that it sometimes helps me to give voice to the unbloggable feelings and thoughts, so I'm going to see if some random selections from the ipod can help me out. So this Saturday night I turned on the ipod and let it randomly pick:

Song # 1 - Pure Imagination from the Willy Wonka Soundtrack

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

If you live in a world where Oompa Loopmas did all the work, you'd think there was nothing to it as well! Sadly, there are no Oompa Loompas in the Novitiate, and changing the world involves interpersonal challenges and personal growth. Truth be told, I've been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks, but the cloud has started to lift. And with the lifting, light and the beauty of creation has come into view. Seriously, when you simply look around and view the world, it is pretty amazing.

Song # 2 - Return to Yesterday by Lilac Time

We travel on the last bus from sanity
Through provincetown to cities of obscurity
And somewhere down the road it occurs to me
That I might have missed my stop
But I will not
Return to yesterday

As I said, the last few weeks I have been in a bit of a funk. A few things happened that were out of my control and not that big of a deal on their own, but piled on top of each other it was like a one way ticket to the last bus from sanity. It's easy to get lost when you can't see the light shining on your path - let alone the light at the end of the tunnel. You wonder what you're doing and why you're doing it. Sometimes it seems like it would just be easier to return to yesterday. Is it all worth it? But somehow - God's grace perhaps - you realize, I realized, that yes, it is worth it. Occasionally messy and challenging, but worth it.

Song # 3 - Revolution of the Heart by Howard Jones

The listening heart
Opens up but won't surrender
Just as you are
To what you could be
Opening Mind
Reaching out for something better
Changing my life
A revolution of the heart

The invitation is indeed worth it, to be who you are - with all your demons, quirks and personal challenges - as God calls you to who you can become. A listening heart, an opening mind, reaching out for something better. If I could say this first 9 months of novitiate has been anything, it has certainly been a revolution of the heart. Periodically I am just stopped in my tracks by the awesomeness of God's love for us - all of us. There are no words for it.

Song # 4 - Road Buddy by Dar Williams

You're my road buddy, but I'm lonely all the time
I thought that we'd be joking, having long talks on late night drives
But you drive so bad I lost my patience
So pass the chips and turn the station
This is not a romance with the road

I just had a random thought for a t-shirt - "Jesus is my Road Buddy." ... I'm certainly not alone on this journey. For one thing, there are the folks I live with here at the Novitiate house. The Sisters nearby and far. Friends and family mostly far away but with me in spirit. And God's love is always with me, the Holy Spirit guiding me. But I have been lonely quite a bit of late - although not quite all the time. The line "you drive so bad I lost my patience" in a weird way describes some recent frustrations grounded in real life living with other people. We're human - enough said. But this is not a romance with the road. I'm not here because I love living in the novitiate. I'm here because it's a necessary stop along the journey, and the journey still feels right even if there are bumps on the road.

Song # 5 -Rose Parade by Elliot Smith

they asked me to come down and watch the parade
and to march down the street like the duracell bunny
with a wink and a wave from the cavalcade
throwing out candy that looks like money
to people passing by that all seem to be going the other way
said won't you follow me down to the rose parade

Ahhhh ... Portland. It's Rose Festival time in my adopted home town, and even though I actually HATE Rose Festival, I miss it all the same. I miss my friends. I miss my parish. I don't miss my bureaucratic past, but I do miss being connected to the daily life of the City. A big part of my funk has been homesickness. All along I've known that this discernment journey was leading away from Portland - our Sisters have never had a presence there. My recent bout of homesickness doesn't make me question my decision. Instead I think it's just a reflection of the roots I had put down in the rose city. It makes sense that when I'm feeling particularly unrooted, I'd miss the place where I felt grounded and strong.

Song # 6 - All the Trees of the Field Will Clap their Hands by Sufjan Stevens

And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you

This past week has been better. I've felt stronger - more rooted and grounded in God's love, reminded of my love for this community, more ready to prepare myself for the rest of the journey. Pity parties happen, and in a way it is important to honor and acknowledge your feelings, even if they are overwhelming and unbloggable. But they can also drown out the sound of the invitation. Good thing God is so patient and persistent, eh?

Who knows if my ramblings makes sense to anyone, but I feel better somehow blogging the unbloggables. I don't know why folks bother to read my random musings, but they certainly help me make sense of the world, my world, and me. If you managed to make it through this extremely long post, thanks for reading!