6.02.2007

attempting to blog the unbloggable

Looking at my most recent posts - discussions of religious life and liturgy, silly blog quizzes, snippets of conversations overheard at the grocery store - it's not hard to guess that I've been in the world of unbloggables lately and struggling with how to write the experience without going into details I have no interest (or right) to share with the world on the blog. From experience I know that it sometimes helps me to give voice to the unbloggable feelings and thoughts, so I'm going to see if some random selections from the ipod can help me out. So this Saturday night I turned on the ipod and let it randomly pick:

Song # 1 - Pure Imagination from the Willy Wonka Soundtrack

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

If you live in a world where Oompa Loopmas did all the work, you'd think there was nothing to it as well! Sadly, there are no Oompa Loompas in the Novitiate, and changing the world involves interpersonal challenges and personal growth. Truth be told, I've been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks, but the cloud has started to lift. And with the lifting, light and the beauty of creation has come into view. Seriously, when you simply look around and view the world, it is pretty amazing.

Song # 2 - Return to Yesterday by Lilac Time

We travel on the last bus from sanity
Through provincetown to cities of obscurity
And somewhere down the road it occurs to me
That I might have missed my stop
But I will not
Return to yesterday
As I said, the last few weeks I have been in a bit of a funk. A few things happened that were out of my control and not that big of a deal on their own, but piled on top of each other it was like a one way ticket to the last bus from sanity. It's easy to get lost when you can't see the light shining on your path - let alone the light at the end of the tunnel. You wonder what you're doing and why you're doing it. Sometimes it seems like it would just be easier to return to yesterday. Is it all worth it? But somehow - God's grace perhaps - you realize, I realized, that yes, it is worth it. Occasionally messy and challenging, but worth it.

Song # 3 - Revolution of the Heart by Howard Jones

The listening heart
Opens up but won't surrender
Just as you are
To what you could be
Opening Mind
Reaching out for something better
Changing my life
A revolution of the heart

The invitation is indeed worth it, to be who you are - with all your demons, quirks and personal challenges - as God calls you to who you can become. A listening heart, an opening mind, reaching out for something better. If I could say this first 9 months of novitiate has been anything, it has certainly been a revolution of the heart. Periodically I am just stopped in my tracks by the awesomeness of God's love for us - all of us. There are no words for it.

Song # 4 - Road Buddy by Dar Williams

You're my road buddy, but I'm lonely all the time
I thought that we'd be joking, having long talks on late night drives
But you drive so bad I lost my patience
So pass the chips and turn the station
This is not a romance with the road

I just had a random thought for a t-shirt - "Jesus is my Road Buddy." ... I'm certainly not alone on this journey. For one thing, there are the folks I live with here at the Novitiate house. The Sisters nearby and far. Friends and family mostly far away but with me in spirit. And God's love is always with me, the Holy Spirit guiding me. But I have been lonely quite a bit of late - although not quite all the time. The line "you drive so bad I lost my patience" in a weird way describes some recent frustrations grounded in real life living with other people. We're human - enough said. But this is not a romance with the road. I'm not here because I love living in the novitiate. I'm here because it's a necessary stop along the journey, and the journey still feels right even if there are bumps on the road.

Song # 5 -Rose Parade by Elliot Smith

they asked me to come down and watch the parade
and to march down the street like the duracell bunny
with a wink and a wave from the cavalcade
throwing out candy that looks like money
to people passing by that all seem to be going the other way
said won't you follow me down to the rose parade
Ahhhh ... Portland. It's Rose Festival time in my adopted home town, and even though I actually HATE Rose Festival, I miss it all the same. I miss my friends. I miss my parish. I don't miss my bureaucratic past, but I do miss being connected to the daily life of the City. A big part of my funk has been homesickness. All along I've known that this discernment journey was leading away from Portland - our Sisters have never had a presence there. My recent bout of homesickness doesn't make me question my decision. Instead I think it's just a reflection of the roots I had put down in the rose city. It makes sense that when I'm feeling particularly unrooted, I'd miss the place where I felt grounded and strong.

Song # 6 - All the Trees of the Field Will Clap their Hands by Sufjan Stevens
And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you

This past week has been better. I've felt stronger - more rooted and grounded in God's love, reminded of my love for this community, more ready to prepare myself for the rest of the journey. Pity parties happen, and in a way it is important to honor and acknowledge your feelings, even if they are overwhelming and unbloggable. But they can also drown out the sound of the invitation. Good thing God is so patient and persistent, eh?

Who knows if my ramblings makes sense to anyone, but I feel better somehow blogging the unbloggables. I don't know why folks bother to read my random musings, but they certainly help me make sense of the world, my world, and me. If you managed to make it through this extremely long post, thanks for reading!

3 comments:

Sarah said...

I read your random musings for a few reasons, but often (and today) because I sometimes feel the same... like it might be easier to turn back, like the tough bits are tougher than I'd like, but also like somehow this is maybe still the place I need to be. It gives me strength to know that in addition to Sophia, there are human people who can feel the same kinds of stuff and keep going. I also read because supporting others in their journeys has a side-effect of making me more reflective, and differently reflective of my own.
Shalom my friend and feel free to email if sharing the unbloggables with an unconnected, distant soul would help! Sarah

Steve said...

My unbloggable life is where all the action is these days ;) Hang in there!

Tom Gibbons said...

I had never heard that Dar Williams song before - those are some great lyrics!