Grumpy Before God

Do you ever have one of those days where you just wake up grumpy.  No particular reason necessarily, just a general sense of grumpiness.  I had one of those days today.  A 7am meeting (second day in a row, adds this not-a-morning-person), an assortment of complicated work things that weren't quite going smoothly and, oh yeah, fasting for Ash Wednesday didn't help to lessen the general aura of grumpiness that I'm pretty sure was oozing out of my pores. I even got some good news which didn't really alter the grumpy quotient much.

So, after dinner with my housemates when the aforementioned grumpiness was difficult to contain, I decided to head next door to church for some alone time before Ash Wednesday services.  I'd say quiet time, except that the choir was practicing so it wasn't quiet.  But I found my way through the empty church, into the eucharistic chapel, and just sat there alone for a good 45 minutes, bringing my grumpiness to Jesus.

Writing those last five words, I realize that my novitiate era spiritual director would be very happy.  She often challenged me to get beyond my fear of intimacy (which has been a lifelong struggle, both in human and God relationships), to stop worrying about filtering my not-ready-for-prime-time assortment of thoughts and feelings,  and instead to just bring them straight to Jesus.  Easier said than done, I've realized over the years, at least for me, yet when I am able to, there is such grace.

Tonight was one of those graced moments.  I'm still a bit grumpy, but God is bigger than my grumpiness. For that my friends, I am a very grateful girl.

Happy Ash Wednesday everyone.  May our Lenten journey begin.

1 comment:

Pachyderm said...

I like this, Sister. Taking grumpiness to God. Nice.

God is big enough to take our grumpiness, our frustrations, our fear and anger... one of the things that I've been learning as I've been praying the psalms in the Divine Office is that it doesn't really matter what kind of day I'm having, I still pray. And the psalms show me that whatever life is like, God is still praised - and praiseworthy.

Sr Therese