I was working late tonight before I headed to my pre-meeting meeting (I’m hopeful that we’ll reach a peaceful resolution/reconciliation instead of a quest for revenge! Keep us in your prayers).
Anyway, another coworker was still there so we chatted. She’s one of the select few at work I’ve clued into my journey. She was also at my parish rummage sale a few weeks ago with her mom. She was telling me that seeing me "in my element" as Church Susan helped her see how this totally makes sense. She said I seemed so happy and like a completely different person. It’s so great to get those confirmations from other people.
But it also illustrates how much Work Susan is not me. I’ve strayed into being perpetually late for work again. Just by 10 minutes but still. I try to stay focused and do a good job and be cheerful. But it’s like pulling teeth. It is not life giving, but it’s what I have to do and so I do it. How telling is it that while I’m slaving away at the cashier’s desk I’m a ray of sunshine but while I’m working on some high level policy issues I’m Ms. Grumpy.
I actually don’t like Work Susan. I spent 40+ hours a week there. I wish I could get back some of the old spark, interest and energy. I’m certainly a better performer than I was last year when I had a pretty poor performance evaluation. That was a wake up call for the overachiever in me. But I am no where near where I used to be in interest and efficiency, and with my eye on the door I most likely never will be. It’s a balancing act and a learning experience. And it’s not like I’m selling cigarettes to little kids or planning distribution systems for weapons of mass destruction. I’m working for the people trying to make the government more accountable and effective. And it used to be interesting …. Oh well. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
PS – I finished the small project within the giant project! So nice to actually complete something for once.
1 comment:
I understand your two sides since I find myself in somewhat the same situation. There was a time when my professional life really was my life. I got great satisfaction from it and couldn't imagine doing anything else. Now I'm working on a degree in a totally unrelated field (pastoral theology) and imagining the possibilities once I have the degree in hand. Now that I can imagine myself doing something else, I get much less satisfaction from the job I have. The degree is still about two years away and I don't know specifically what I'll do once I have it, so I still want to feel good about the place where I spend such a huge part of my life.
As you said, there's a spark that goes along with where your heart really is.
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