I’m coordinating a rather large, high profile, somewhat ground breaking project at work. With an implementation deadline that is looming .... It’s daunting but somehow I seem to be pulling it off. People think I know what I’m doing - I usually just feel like I’m making it all up. But everything is made up by someone, right?
It’s interesting to me that I’m at the top of my game professionally at this point, when my mind, heart and interest are definitely somewhere else. Truth be told I couldn’t care less, even though this is what my heart desired for so many years. To be respected as an expert in my field, to have high levels of responsibility, to have a lasting impact. And while I can’t go into the details here (all those stories of bloggers getting fired for blogging about work), it’s a project that’s going to change the way we do things around here for many years to come.
It’s a struggle every day at work though. To be present. To give my all. To have confidence and faith that I can pull this off. Now that I’m fairly safely on my journey to becoming a groovy sister, I seem much happier at work. People have commented about it. I know of course that it’s not that I’m happier about work, just that I’m happier in general as I find my way on this path with God. So it’s a tad easier to put up with those things I’m not so excited about when I have that other excitement in the background.
It is a struggle though. Each and every day. The first struggle is to make it to work. Then to stay focused while I’m there. Then to find it buried in me to do this high level work when I’d much rather be, oh, working with the homeless or organizing a peace vigil or writing a parish newsletter or talking with God. But this is my job right now, so off to work.
Have a good day everyone.
4 comments:
I kinda know how you're feeling. Clearly, being a flight attendant, it's a bit different. I'm thinking about my future, and new and exciting possiblities, and that can be distracting. And some days, especially when there's bad news in the airline industry, or when there are delays, or rude passengers, I find it hard to do the job I'm expected to do, which includes providing friendly and attentive service.
It's easy to get distracted, and it can be a challenge to be present and focused on the life you have right now.
Susan, I can completely identify with your feelings because this is exactly how I felt while I was working and applying to the Jesuits. I used almost the same words you did, verbatim. I too struggled to be present and focus on the work in front of me; to do the job I was being highly paid for, and to provide my clients with the level of expertise that was expected. But I was so distracted by the thoughts of my future life, that it was, as you said, hard to be present and focused. While the knowledge that your are moving into a life that will give you peace is a consolation, it seems to be somewhat of a negative consolation in that it moves you away from being present and attentive to the here and now. Be assured of my prayers as you continue this journey. God be with you.
Thanks guys. It does help knowing I'm not the only one. I used to feel guilty about my lack of interest and tendency to be distracted. But it is what it is. I am where I am. All I can do is try.
And truth be told I know pretty much no one at work is noticing, because I am managing for the most part to do what needs to be done. It's mostly internally that I feel the struggle.
Ho hum.. made it through a day. 3 more to go before I head for another groovy sister experience this weekend.
Oh, I hear ya, Susan! I'd like to say that I've been feeling this way because I have a little over two weeks left at this job before moving and starting school, but the truth is it's been going on a lot longer than that. My head and heart are elsewhere.
Here's to finding focus, and balance! :)
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