rambling thoughts

I’ve been learning a lot about myself over the last few years - this past year of discernment especially. I’ve also noticed some new things about myself. In some ways I’m changing, in others I think I’m becoming more my true self. I’ve always been responsible and reliable, the type of person you could count on to follow through. In most ways I still am. But ....

I’ve also noticed a new found flakiness. Mostly this manifests itself when I overbook or overextend. It happens when I make plans with friends, people I truly want to see. The plans don’t seem over the top crazy (except for when I planned to drive to and from Montana in a 3 day weekend - that was crazy and it‘s probably a good thing I bailed, even though I would have loved to see my good friend CoCo). They seem fun and simple and manageable. And they would be, if I didn’t have all these other things going on in my life. Driving 3 hours each way to visit the groovy sisters once or twice a month (or more) drains me for one thing. Making time for prayer and reflection well ... it takes a surprising amount of time. Also, I’m an introvert by nature and so much of this getting to know the community involves ... well ... getting to know the community. Laughing, talking, having a grand time like I did this weekend. Which I love and is what I want to do but it EXHAUSTS ME!!!!! Or perhaps it’s the combination of the driving and the interaction. In any case, I find myself back home and facing work and church activities and piles of laundry and all these wonderful friends that I miss and want to spend time with. So I make plans. But then, sometimes, when the time comes and I’m just burned out and driving myself crazy, I end up making a choice to “flake out,” knowing that my friends will understand. Or hoping that they’ll understand. Which is made an even harder choice by the fact that I’ll be leaving Portland in a year or two and then really won’t have time to spend with them.

Sigh..... The weekend was wonderful, but I find myself exhausted. Busy week at work too, and then back to Seattle this weekend. I’ve got my big discernment meeting where we discuss my application and whether I can start candidacy. All signs are pointing towards yes but you never know. If you’ve got any spare prayers (amongst all the other needs out there), I’d appreciate them this week and the coming weekend.

On that note, off for some evening prayers and then an early bedtime for this discerning woman.
Peace,
Susan

Later ... after a good night's sleep. Feeling MUCH better. No longer exhausted. And the exhaustion was a good exhaustion anyway. Hard to explain. There have been times in life where I've done something that has been physically and emotionally or mentally or spiritually exhausting. My job was like that for a while when I was in true "I hate my job mode." Community time may exhaust me, but it's a whole different ball of wax. It's a satisfied exhaustion. Last night I crawled into bed and closed my eyes and was soooo tired I could barely even manage the energy to yawn. But I was happy and a slide show of sorts of the highlights of the weekend played behind my eyelids. It's good to know and honor my introvert side and need to just make sure to build in time for rejuvenation and "Susan time" as I continue on this journey.