My Christmas Eve Walk (part 2)

Read Part 1 here, or continue on below ...

As I sat down on the bench this morning, I admitted to myself a realization that’s been slowly manifesting itself. That I am meant to be a Sister of St Joseph of Peace. Had I not ever been directed their way, I would still know that my personal "charism" is peace through justice. That call was present even in my original life plans. That call has been given form through my experience at St Phil’s. I feel most whole and "me" when I’m living for and through that call. To then find a group of women who were founded in this same spirit and who live that call today in the world. Well, it makes sense that I feel at home with them. I sense in Margaret Anna Cusack and all of her sisters today a kindred spirit. I’ve only had a few community experiences but I get them and it seems they get me. I make sense. No effort. No translation. No real strain. Not that it’s perfect – I’m still me – but it works and I see tremendous potential. I sense an authentic and fulfilling life centered on God and God’s peace.

The other community of sisters is great too. And were I not to have run across the csjp’s, I think I would feel more at home with them. My experiences so far with them are slightly strained at first, until I am able to get into their rhythm. It doesn’t take too long, and soon enough I am enjoying them and enjoying myself. I sense potential with them, that I would develop in different ways. I am also touched by their foundress, both her life and the commitment, dedication and compassion she inspires today. It’s not that there’s not a "there there," it’s just that it’s not the same exact there that’s in my heart. I could see myself living a good and holy life with these women, growing and developing, but I would never truly be at home.

And maybe I wouldn’t truly be at home with the csjp’s but something tells me I might. All the same though it seems like a bigger risk. Smaller community. Farther away. Entirely new relationships. Etc… Just as I was having these thoughts, the first of several "Nature Vignettes" as I’ve come to think of them happened.

A baby duck came gliding seemingly out of nowhere, plunging right into the lake. And the thought came to me, "Take the plunge. Explore new waters." I was startled. Here I was on the one hand realizing that being a "Sister of Peace" just seems right to me but at the same time seeing it as a big risk, the message I get is that it’s ok. Yes it’s a risk, but take the plunge. Explore new waters. Wonderful things will happen. All will be well – all will be better than well. At this thought two other baby ducks appeared, again seemingly out of nowhere. The three birds swam about, fishing, exploring a far corner of the lake.

Just as I found myself back in my head, wondering if I was imagining all this, the Second Vignette occurred. An older duck came gliding, yet again seemingly out of nowhere, taking the plunge. And then, a cadre of mature ducks came swimming towards the baby ducks. Their paths crisscrossed. They did not have a particular destination in mind after all it seemed, but were exploring waters themselves – waters perhaps not new to them but full of meaning and adventure all the same. It was as if they were dancing, a dance of life. The message that came to me was not so simple as take the plunge. It was more of a feeling. That I would not be alone. I would learn much from those who have gone before. A sense of community, purpose, hope. At this point, I started to tear up. I began to think of this as my Christmas gift from God. Not just this experience, but this moment of knowing and believing in my future with the CSJPs.

I stayed for a bit, and then the baby ducks joined up with the older ducks and they all left for the other side of the lake. I took this as my cue to depart as well. Bit by bit anxiety was creeping back. Unknowing as to how this vision, this future was to take place. How to get from here to there.

To be continued ... (read part 3)