mirror mirror on the wall

Last night I plugged away on my self-reflection. Four pages e-mailed off to my formation director and mentor. We’ll be meeting Jan 22nd to chat. It was a great exercise. Got me thinking and then helped me to process a lot of what has been under the surface. I’ve been feeling kind of unsettled. Yeah groovy sister reserves and the semi-bilocation that accompanies it is part of that. So too is living my daily life here in Portland but working towards closure. Work. Church. Friends. Being present in the here and now. But also being present to my new Sisters and local community. While at the same time moving towards a new future. Not to mention the big questions that sometimes still pop up. Is this really what I want to do? Are these really the women I want to do it with? What the hell am I doing? (The answers if you’re wondering being yes, yes, and taking a giant leap to follow that Jesus guy and my heart’s desire).

So, the self-reflection assignment helped me to realize that yes I may be feeling unsettled but you know what, my life is not settled. I’m in a time and place of flux. That’s the nature of the animal. I cannot express to you how much more centered and me I feel today, just coming to that place of acceptance. I hadn’t realized just how off kilter I was feeling. And it is such a relief. I went through a period of some fairly serious depression at one point in my life. Or maybe more than one point, but one point where I actually did something about it. Therapy was hard work, but I know I would not have found my way into a relationship with God without it. But having spent much time in the pits of despair, I tend to freak out when I’m a little bit depressed. Even if there are reasons for it (like your mom dying or your future being unknown), I overreact and think "Oh no, have I fallen back into the pit?". That’s why I find it’s so important for me to build time for reflection and journalling into my life. Blogging is good too, but I censor what I say here so it’s not quite as effective. Journalling, reflection and time with the big guy help me to find balance. I forget that sometimes.

As to the self-reflection, no need or desire to rehash it all here. Suffice it to say that my experiences are helping me to find that balance between work, personal growth, relationships and community involvement. And it has only deepened my desire to become a groovy sister.

Peace All, especially to any and all who are feeling unsettled or off kilter themselves. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Susan