"Carmel’s Rumi poem was perfect. I’ve been meaning to tell you, losing control is definitely part of the larger plan. But never easy! Dropping into the hand of God...."The thing is, I know this is true. I can sense the freedom that comes from recognizing the illusion of our control/independence and consciously placing the control into the hands of God, where in fact it always was. In the words of Belle and Sebastian (Scottish pop group) … "Give up your will to Him that loves you. Things will change, I’m not saying overnight." In many ways, this call is at the core of my call to religious life. Moving from independence to interdependence. Me to Us.
And yet …. it is not easy for this control freak. Part of why I think God has a wicked sense of humor is that I'm being called on this wonderful crazy journey. Me, who likes it best when I know what's ten steps ahead, around the curve and down the way. It gives me the illusion of being in control and helps me to deal. Even if the path changes course, I feel better prepared for what comes ahead.
But I am being called to grow with the many unknowns ahead of me. To trust. That said, I don't necessarily think I'm being called to be a passive presence in my life. God has given me talents, ideas and the ability to look to the future. Part of the responsibility of that gift I think is sharing them as an active participant and co-creator. But there's a difference between participating and dictating, between being open to the Spirit and willing to go along for the ride as long as it goes my way. It's a balancing act, and I think I have a lot to let go of in order to tip the scales back to more of an equilibrium. Through prayer. Through honest discussions with my groovy sisters.
The cool thing is that it's totally ok that I'm not there. That's what this whole time of discernment and formation is about … growing into the me God is calling me to be in the company of friends. And lucky you, my bloggy audience … you get to follow along as I try to figure it out!
1 comment:
I hope this thought doesn't complicate things further ...
As I see it, what is even more challenging to surrender is one's own agenda and taking up the collective agenda, addressing the community's priorities over one's own personal priorities. For me that is more difficult to "give up" than independence generally especially in community contexts where Sisters are pretty free "to come and go" as needed.
This surrendering one's agenda/priorities to the collective agenda/priorities is not unique to religious life. It happens in various contexts such as in worklife or volunteer endeavors. In religious life, however, it's different, more complex, more radical, more total, more complete. And yet, in surrendering one grows to be freer on the levels that matter most. I can only think of "It is not I, but Christ who lives in me" as capturing the surrender and transformation.
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