4.08.2005

A Spot With My Name On It

This will be my last post for a few days as I'm headed North for a weekend with the groovy sisters. I've had a challenging week at work. Yesterday should have been the highlight of my career, as this major project I've been working on for 2 1/2 years took a giant step from theory to reality. I was in a room full of semi-"important" people who were excited and congratulating me on my hard work. And yet all I could think was …. ugghhh. All I could see was the work ahead to implement the darn thing. I'll admit a tiny part of me was hoping (praying?) that it wouldn't go ahead. It's going to be hard enough, should my discernment continue in the direction it looks like it's currently headed, to tie things up and leave my current life some day. I look around my desk, at the piles and unfinished projects and think if I spent 8 hours a day for the next 2 years simply tying up loose ends, I'd never finish. Ok, slight exaggeration. But to add this new gigantic endeavor on top of it, well, hence the "ugghhh."

This was my mental space last night and this morning. Then as often happens in my morning prayer time there was a slight shift, a light breaking through. No, my "prayers" were not answered. Yes, I will most likely be spending the last phase of my bureaucratic life implementing this gigantic system. But what if this is what I'm "supposed" to do? Maybe I'm supposed to learn SOMETHING. Patience?. How to take the tasks I am given and to do them joyfully? Part of my "ugghhh" is also fear that I'm not up to this task …. which isn't true, it's just that it requires me to be at the top of my game. Perhaps I'm supposed to stop going through life as if I'm in charge, as if it's all up to me to solve the world's problems. Invite God along. Take courage, gather strength and inspiration and wisdom from God and have faith that All Will Be Well…….

Whew! I am really looking forward to this weekend. In part to see new friends and continue to deepen relationships. But also to be in a space where all I'm about is my discernment - no meetings or tasks or politics. I see why at a certain point in any vocation discernment process you need to get away from the world and focus purely on that (novitiate). Life has a way of muddying things….. I also have pretty awesome prayer experiences when I'm at the groovy sisters' spot on the lake. There's this dock where you can sit in a rocking chair, looking at the lake and the distant city skyline and just …. BE. That spot has my name written all over it.

Peace,
Susan

3 comments:

Regina Clare Jane said...

Susan- have a wonderful and blessed weekend. I look forward to joining you on your journey. God bless...

Anonymous said...

i'm sure you're gone already so instead of wishing you a wonderful weekend i will hope that you *had* a wonderful weekend.

Nicole-7Mountains

Steve Bogner said...

The rocking chair on the dock sounds really, really peaceful...

"going through life as if I'm in charge" - what a temptation it is to think we are 'in charge.'