still fearful yet overjoyed

Last year around this time (liturgically – Easter was earlier in the calendar) I wrote a post about Matthew’s Resurrection story. You know, the one where Mary Magdalene and “the other Mary” were on their way back from the tomb where an Angel had told them not to be afraid, that Jesus was risen. They leave the tomb, “fearful yet overjoyed,” running to share the good news with the disciples, and who do they run into but the resurrected Jesus himself!

In my post last year I wrote:

Fearful yet overjoyed…. that SO explains how I feel this day. Aware that as we celebrate the New Life of Easter, I am exploring a new life of service with the groovy sisters. I am fearful – more of whether I can actually pull this off than of the practical transition issues. And yet, like Mary Magdalene and her friend, I am overjoyed. Jesus tells us, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers and sisters. I am risen. You too shall have new life."

It’s funny. I still have that fearful yet overjoyed feeling. Except both feelings are a little more intense. I’m just four months away from leaving everything to follow that Jesus guy … for real. The reality of that and what it means, the transition issues, the risk, that can at times be scary stuff. But at the exact same moment I am filled with a wonder and joy that sometimes just stops me in my tracks.

Today it strikes me as interesting that it is after they leave the angel to go tell the disciples that they are “fearful yet overjoyed.” It’s not until after they’ve got this mixture of butterflies and this mission that they meet the risen Christ. There have been a few situations in my life that have felt like that lately. I’m walking around in this happy/terrified daze, going about the work I’m called to be doing. And at just the right moment when I’m about to tip the scales in favor of the fearful side, something happens that just screams “Jesus” to me. Little miracles. Sacred moments that remind me of the joy and give me the strength I need. Running into a friend I haven’t seen in years who has just the right words to say to me at just the right moment. My brother calling me just as I’m about to launch into a mini freak out. Seeing a little girl smiling at the baggage claim at the airport. And that moment reminds me … He is risen. And we too shall have new life.