dropping my nets

In the Gospel of Mark we read:

As he passed by the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting their nets into the sea; they were fishermen. Jesus said to them, "Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men." Then they abandoned their nets and followed him.

Today I dropped my nets, a moment long in the making. Regular readers of the blog will know this has actually been a very long and drawn out process. Coming to closure at work took months, cleaning out my apartment took weeks, saying “see you later” but knowing it feels more like “goodbye” has been excruciating.

But today was the big symbolic moment … I sold my car. Yes, I handed the keys of my vehicular freedom to another human being and at that moment, I realized what it meant. I was finally free to follow that Jesus guy.

I had a hint of this feeling yesterday when I was sitting in my now empty apartment, but it didn’t hit me until I was on the 3 hour train ride home from my car selling rendezvous. I was listening to a Death Cab for Cutie song (You’re Heart is an Empty Room) on my ipod shuffle (ok, so I haven’t dropped ALL my nets!) and heard these words as if for the first time:

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
And you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
'Cause you knew you were finally free

Now, I have a feeling that those lyrics were written with a completely different meaning in mind. But they fit my thoughts and were a soundtrack of sorts for my life at that moment. I've been busily preparing for the novitiate, simplifying and divesting myself of many of the things I don't need. But for some reason it didn't really hit me till I'd turned over the keys to my car and gotten on the train home that the reason for all the busy-ness is really quite profund. It's a variation of one of my favorite quotes (found at the bottom of my blog) from Mother Evangelista, one of the founders of my community of groovy sisters: "Empty yourself of yourself and you will find God." When you drop your nets, when you're not so obsessed with all your material things, there's more room for God to fit into your life. Simple, yet not. But very cool.