Tuning In - The To Do List Version

My time these days is governed by my gigantic to-do list of things I want/need to do before I leave the Novitiate House in September. Part of the list is to go through my notes/files from our workshops and classes and to read through my journal from the past year. The combined effect has been looking back at the inner work of this novitiate time. Inner work is always hard to express to someone other than me (and even sometimes to myself!) so I thought it might be interesting to resort to my trusty random music generator ...

Song # 1: That Dress Looks Nice on You by Sufjan Stevens (watch/listen)

When the world looks back,
when the face looks after that,
I can see a lot of life in you,
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.

Hard to express in words or not, looking back I see a lot of life, and a lot of life-changing, in the small everyday bits. In the hard bits. In the joyful bits. I can see a lot of life in me.

Song #2: Inside of Love by Nada Surf (watch/listen)

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do

This time for looking back is a gift, because sometimes it really is only by looking at the "aerial view" as it were that the patterns will show. This was definitely true when I was looking at my journal entries from the past two years. Time and again I would record a realization, as if for the first time, without realizing it was part of an amazing pattern of God in my life! Yet, reading over those entries with the distance of time, it is so obvious. I suspect the same would be true with a retrospective look at the past two years of blog entries!

Song #3: Dig Me Out by Sleater-Kinney (watch/listen)

Dig me out
Dig me in
Out of this mess baby out of my head
What do you want what do you know ...

I spent a lot of my first year of the novitiate digging myself out and simultaneously digging myself in. I spent a lot of time in my head, a lot of time bumping into old demons and the dark side of my own shadow. It wasn't fun, but necessary I think, to find my way into my heart, to God's heart, to my heart in God.

Song #4: Disillusion by Badly Drawn Boy (watch/listen)

Why do you have to make it so complicated
Can't it just be beautiful
I don't want to stifle your flight
I didn't mean to fall in love

These four lines really sum it all up. I could give you a list of lessons learned, mistakes made, patterns repeated, regrets and revelatory moments. But in the end, it's just beautiful ... in the end, I've simply fallen deeper into love with God, with my groovy sisters, with all that is.

Song #5: Rose by The Feeling (watch/listen)

Rose, I love ya
Especially today
Rose, I love your delicate way

Rose, of course, is my middle name! And I must say, increasingly these past few months, I have felt more and more the all encompassing and unconditional love of our God. Sadly, over the course of my life, this has been a hard thing for me to accept. Love God, check. Let God love me, that one for some reason has been harder. But God has managed to help me let God break through. That is probably the biggest gift of this time.

Song # 6: Funny Little Frog by Belle & Sebsatian (watch/listen)

You're the picture on my wall
You're my vision in the hall
You're the one I'm talking to
When I get in from my work ...
I am living out the life of a poet
I am the jester in the ancient court
And you're the funny little frog in my throat

In my experience, God has a wonderful sense of humor. Hence, I don't think God would mind being called "the funny little frog" in my throat! It brings me back full circle to one of my first posts on this blog, almost 4 years ago, where I quoted an even earlier me, Pedro Arupe and another Belle & Sebastian Song.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm called to have a relationship with God. I can't ignore it. I don't want to ignore it. I'm so excited to see where it takes me. Where I go. Who I meet along the way. What wonderful things I can accomplish with the peace and strength and guidance I get from God and my fellow travellers on earth. (Quote from an "earlier me," in my journal of the year 2000)

That was just a glimmer eight years ago. Four years ago it was a bit brighter at times. The past two years have helped me to step into the light. And for that, I am so very grateful!