Monday Morning Musings

I've been following Sr. Joan Chittister's online Psalm Journal. I'm on week 30. This week's passage is simple and to the point, and just what I need.

It is good to give thanks to God. - Psalm 92

Yes it is, and as her reflection states it's good for us psychologically, spiritually and socially. To have a positive outlook. To be mindful and thankful for just how amazing this journey is.

Good for me on this Monday. I have perhaps the most challenging 2 weeks ahead for me ever professionally. By the end of the two weeks, I need to have a finished product for this high profile legislation I've been working on for a few years. No time now for my disinterest and distraction. This is my job. God has given me talents and skills. It's my job to use them, to focus, to give it my all.

And to realize that it's only with God, with all God has blessed me with, that I'll make it through.

Now, off to work.

Refreshing portrayal of a Sister on TV

Exciting Saturday Night … stayed home and watched Law & Order while catching up on laundry. On Law & Order SVU there was a minor recurring character in the episode who was a Catholic Sister. And much to my surprise, she seemed an accurate portrayal of a contemporary sister doing street ministry. No habit. African American. Regular street clothes. Running a women’s shelter. Knows the homeless by name. Even worked with the police to get money from the state for a proper burial for one of her homeless clients who was killed.
Today’s theme is refreshing I guess, but this was definitely refreshing.

Refreshing

It's refreshing to realize that we all find ourselves on different versions of the same journey. None of us is perfect and we are all striving to make sense of the world and our place in it.

I just had breakfast with a new friend of mine, a priest, a wonderful guy and an amazing preacher. But of course even he has anxieties and worries. It was one of those situations when you are reminded, like a refreshing blast of fresh air, that we're all in this together. And that God loves all of us and welcomes us all on this journey, each day coming closer to God.

It's ok that I'm not perfect. I can still explore this tug I feel towards religious life. In fact, it would be worrisome if I thought I were "holy" or better than most. More deserving of this call. We're all "sinners" when you come down to it.

It's ok that I'm sometimes petty and impatient. Or that I sometimes think unkind thoughts. God loves me all the same, and Jesus still invites me to follow him. Just like in today's Gospel story of the prodigal son. It is never too late. God always welcomes us with open arms.

It's easy to forget that it's really that simple. We paint ourselves into a corner, when really there's always a path home.

Amazing.

It's official!

Got my letter in the mail today from the formation director so it's official. I'm now a pre-candidate and continuing this discernment journey, but now I'm not only discerning if I might be called to religious life, I'm discerning if I might be called to that life with the Sisters of St Joseph of Peace.

The letter was nice. She affirmed my feeling of resonance with the CSJP charism of justice and peace - which to anyone who knows me know is "just me." She also wrote that just as I've been feeling at home, they've been feeling that I'm compatible with them.

All in all a nice letter to get as I'm still sick home with this nasty bug.

Tomorrow though it's back to work. And so much to do! I really do need to find motivation again at work. I've started this next stage of my journey but that doesn't mean I can give up on my present committments.

Labyrinth Police

A few weeks ago I found a labyrinth spray painted on the parking lot of a local protestant Church. Today on my way home from the drug store (still got the cold) I decided to take the opportunity to pray the labyrinth.

I had just started when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a police car pull into the parking lot, turn around and then stop. Not sure if he was taking a break, catching up on paperwork, or observing my subversive prayer activities.

It then dawned on me that someone walking by on the sidewalk and unable to see the labyrinth pattern painted on the parking lot might think I was some kind of crazy person, walking round in circles in a zigzag pattern.

I continued my prayer despite the audience. For humility. Patience. And the courage to continue to take my spiritual life with me into the world.

Prayer helps

I'm getting a cold. Trying to fight it off by resting (imagine that, resting on the Lord's Day) and taking a vitamin concoction called Airborne. I mentioned to a friend at church I was going to home to rest in the hopes of not getting "the cold," and she yelled after me "Prayer helps too you know."

I'll admit, it hadn't dawned on me to take my cold to prayer. Can't hurt. Although I've been busily praying for other things lately. Humility and gentleness to name a few. I've been noticing a dedided lack of that lately in my life and my interactions with others. I so desire to be a person of peace, to have a gentle spirit, to include people, respect their opinions and foster their involvement. Reality is often far from that, especially lately. Wanting to change is a big step. But without help from the big guy (and my friends calling me on my not so gentle actions) I know it won't happen.

So with that self-perspective sheepishness, being afraid to be around people (both because of the cold and afraid to accidentally hurt someone's feelings) and being tired, the "glow" of taking the first step to becoming a Sister some day is pretty low voltage. To the point when people with whom I've shared the news express their excitement, I find it hard to show excitement in return.

Don't get me wrong, I AM excited and know this is the right direction for me. I also know though that it's going to be a long journey, at times I'll be tired and wonder what the hell I'm thinking. Especially when I catch myself being human and not being the nice, humble gentle person I long to be. But luckily we're not just relying on me here. God's in the mix. Thank God. or as C-3PO would say, "thank the maker."

Peace,
Susan

I'm in the newsletter

Last week I met with the CSJP vocation & formation directors to talk next steps.

I shared I've been feeling at home. They shared that I seem to "fit." So we decided I'd apply for pre-candidacy. I sent in my letter. Once I get my letter back it's "official."

Haven't gotten my letter yet, but I did get the province newsletter .... which has a little blurb about me, welcoming me as a pre-candidate. Makes it that much more real.

And you know what? It fits. Very cool....

Shattering moments of the every day

I'm having a bad day. I had my hard work criticized by someone who really doesn't quite get it but has power in the office. I finally managed to crack a hard problem in this project I'm working on, only to have my computer freak out and lose it all. And it's not even 10 am.

Judging by how shattered I feel, there's more going on here than these small things. A big part of it I think is struggling with where I'm at now. Finding it in me to give my all to my present commitments. To do the job I'm paid to do even as I'm discerning a more fulfilling future in religious life. Which I know will have shattering moments of its own.

So I turned to Sr. Joan Chittister's Psalm Journal. I'm on week 28.

… if we cling too fiercely to our limited vision, we break. On the other hand, if we meet God openheartedly, we find what the psalmist found: This is the God who works wonders.

That helps. Now it's back to the wars. Let's just hope my computer cooperates.

The funny business of fulfillment

I was reading about Paulist Dave Dwyer on Busted Halo. Fr. Dave apparently was a big shot at MTV before decided to become a priest. He tells the story about the night Kurt Cobain died (a day I clearly remember myself) when he pulled of a professional coup by filling in as director for the live feed:

I realized I can do this, and I'm good at it and I can make money at it and I like it…but so what. … Professionally that would have been a highlight of my career up until that point and I was 29 years old. But when I could get done with it and say, so what? I thought that, well, I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life and go home and say ‘so what.’

How well I know that feeling. I spent the afternoon in a high power meeting on an important City policy issue. I’m playing a key role in policy and legislative development. On a "sexy" topic. And I couldn’t care less. I’m much more fulfilled when I’m doing something at church, no matter how mundane the task.

Funny business this.

Sister Murdered in Brazil

Sister Dorothy Stang, a Sister of Notre Dame De Namur, was shot and killed in Brazil Saturday. Her "crime"? Helping poor farmers in the amazon while helping to protect the fragile jungle environment. She apparently knew that what she was doing was dangerous, or at least considered dangerous by those who afraid of a 73 year old nun.
What a crazy world we live in … and how much this crazy world needs God's love and peace shouted from the rooftops and lived in our daily lives.

God breaks through ... Part II

Yesterday I took myself on a drive to the oregon coast. The weather forecast was for rainy and cloudy skies, but I knew that's where I needed to be. When I got there, the sun was shining. The sky was blue. The ocean was, well, the ocean in all its majesty, glory and humor. I've always found something playful in the movement of the waves on the rocks.

As I walked on the beach I felt God's love in every ounce of my being. There's just something about the ocean, it's impossible for me not to listen to God there. Perhaps that's why it was on a similar solitary walk on the coast that I first clearly felt this call to religious life … which I promptly ignored for another 4 years. When you feel such love, your natural reaction is to want to respond, to give back. To love tenderly.

Fitting for this valentine's day I suppose.

I mailed off my official request to start my pre-candidacy. A preliminary step, but my first "formal" step on this journey. Still seems to be the right thing to do in the place and time.

Back to the blog ... and becoming a pre-candidate

It's been a long time since I've written. Not that anyone's reading this blog anyway. And not so sure how I'd feel if people did read it.

This afternoon I drove up to Bellevue to meet with the vocation and formation directors of the Sisters of St Joseph of Peace to talk next steps.

Long story short, my discernment has reached the point where it's time to start discerning whether I'm called to religious life in the context of a particular community. And there's something about this group of fun dedicated women, working to for justice and to spread the gospel of peace. Whereas every Star Wars book and movie has the line, "I have a bad feeling about this," I can honestly say I have a very GOOD feeling about this. There's just something about the groovy csjp sisters. Helps me make much more sense of what God might be calling me to.

We'll see. Stay tuned. If I'm brave I'll try to post how this new stage of discernment goes. For now, it's basically the same as being an "inquirer," except that I've expressed an interest in discerning with this community and I'm supposed to meet monthly with my contact person.

Pretty darn cool.