Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety

This morning I came across this prayer in my prayer book - the People's Breviary from the Carmelites of Indianapolis (which I HIGHLY recommend).

O Holy Word of God, you call us to walk with you each day in the mystery of your love. We are often anxious and worried about our own well-being. Help us to put aside false anxiety and to trust in your care for us. Grant us the grace to discern wisely, to act confidently, and to let go courageously. We ask this in your name, Word Incarnate, among us.Amen

It's just what I needed. I find it so easy to push myself into the unknown future … yes I think I've come a long way in discerning whether I'm called to religious life (all signs point to yes) and maybe even some clues as to which community. But then I get into the details of how to get from here to there. How to get out of debt. How to leave my work commitments. How get rid of my house full of junk. How to leave my wonderful friends and parish community. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. So easy to forget that I am loved. God loves me and cares for me. Trust in god. Act confidently in that love. And be courageous to let it all go. All will be well.

A good prayer for this almost New Year's Eve. It's now taped to my monitor at work and hopefully will bring me back from the spiral of anxiety if I happen upon that path again.

God breaking through

I went on a fabulous long walk on Christmas Eve morning. Two hours. I find walking to be very meditative. With each step the distractions of the world drop away and I move deeper and deeper into "deep thoughts" and conversation with God.

On this particular walk God was able to break through and something I've been struggling with in my discernment just seemed to drop away. I've been purportedly torn between to communities of women religious, but I think I've really just been afraid of what I know deep in my heart. My head seems to get in the way sometimes.

But on this walk, like I said, God broke through. Very fitting on Christmas as we celebrated Emmanuel, God with us. The message I was getting was: Yes it may be risky, but follow your heart. Take the plunge. Explore new waters. Trust in the process. All will be well - all will be better than well. God has wonderful things in store for you.

So I'm sitting with this idea, this possible discernment of community. As luck would have it I'm set to visit with some sisters from this community next weekend. Will need to pay particular attention to what my heart (and God) is telling me as I spend time with them.

All in all though a pretty amazing Christmas gift, having God break through like that and in turn help me break through to a new stage in my discernment.

Funny business this.

Christmas itself as Gift

Today's Daily Dig is from Oscar Romero:

A return to the spirituality of a genuine Christmas will be a noble gesture of solidarity with Christianity’s spiritual victories in the world. A celebration of Christ’s birth with a sense of adoration, love, and gratitude toward the God who loved us even to the folly of giving us his own Son, will be to arrange our life so that the peace that only God can give may brighten it like a sun.
-Oscar Romero, December 15, 1978

Before I even read this I was thinking this morning (in the shower of course) of gifts. No, not trying to figure out what to buy, buy, buy! I've simplified this Christmas (to save money - one major obstacle I'm facing is credit card debt). I sent friends & family "Buy Me Nothing Coupons" with my Christmas cards and have extricated myself from the present buying frenzy. This has been so freeing, and has really helped me to focus on the "Christ" part of Christmas. I may not have gifts to unwrap Christmas morning, but ALL is Gift. God gave us Jesus, peace, and love to brighten our days.

This past year God has given me the hope, the idea, the possibility of a religious vocation. Granted, that's probably always been there but starting with seeds planted last Advent, I've become aware of it, recognized it, embraced it, and now live in hope with it. God has also given me gifts - leadership, organization, communication to name a few - that I feel called to share with the world. I yearn to "arrange my life so that the peace that only God can give may brighten it like a sun."

Peace & Christmas Joy to all who happen upon this!
Susan

The trouble with humans

The trouble with human institutions/organizations is that pesky human part. You get a group of people together, and there will be flare ups, misunderstandings confusion, etc… I've noticed this before of course, but for some reason was surprised to realize it holds true for groups at church as well. I had a particularly frustrating Parish Council meeting last night, that made me wonder why on earth I ran for the council to begin with. Because I care is the short answer, but that doesn't make it easier.

Good to know I guess as I embark on a possible career within the church that it is not a Pollyanna world without conflict. We're still human after all. But at least we're in this endeavor not for personal aggrandizement but for the common good. Not many human institutions where that is true. We have common ground, hope and a desire to serve God.

And so in my frustration, I turned to this prayer which I've come across a few times. Seems to be perfect for the moment….

Keep us, O God, from pettiness;
let us be large in thought, in word, in deed.
Let us be done with faultfinding and leave off self-seeking.
May we put away all pretenses and meet each other, face to face, without self-pity and without prejudice.
May we never be hasty in judgment and always generous.
Let us take time for all things;
make us to grow calm, serene, gentle.
Teach us to put in action our better impulses-straightforward and unafraid.
Grant that we may realize it is the little things of life that create difficulties;
that in the big things of life we are as one.
Oh, Lord, let us not forget to be kind.
Amen.
-Mary Stewart, Queen of Scots

Christmas gifts from the homeless

I drove the shelter van this morning, ferrying 3 homeless women and their children from the church where they spent the night to the day center. I've done this before, always at 7 am when folks are still pretty sleepy (me included although I try to be safe of course).

This morning I was struck by these amazing women. Living on the edge, facing seemingly insurmountable odds. Lives filled with I'm sure much pain and sorrow. And yet, my half hour drive with them yesterday morning and again today made me feel lucky to be in their presence. I can't quite explain it but I truly felt like God is with us - Emmanuel. What a gift this week before Christmas.

Their genuine concern for each other. Their ability to take what life deals them and still have hope. One of the women was suffering from an abscessed tooth. The other was headed to a funeral for a family member who had just died of cancer. The third was looking at a 2 hour bus ride this morning to take her ADHD-diagnosed son to the doctor.

And what was I doing? Dreading go to work and then to a night meeting at church this evening. And the constant wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life of course. But still, puts it all in perspective.

Thanks for putting them in my path this week, God. I needed that.

Where's the Sorting hat when you need it?

Probably some sort of blasphemy or sacrilegious thought, but the idea came to me today that wouldn't it be great if there was some sort of Sorting Hat for religious life like the one that helps the students at Hogwarts discern which school house is for them? That's a Harry Potter reference for those not in the know.

Wishful thinking I know. Guess I'll just have to rely on time and the Holy Spirit..... And work own ability to be attentive and patient.

The Weekend was restful and rejuvinating. Whether or not this particular community is for me (or the other one I'm considering for that matter), each visit with Sisters further confirms my suspicions that I'll make more sense in religious life. I feel at home staying in a simple room, sharing meals and prayer. And I'm always impressed with the vibrancy, spirit and committment to doing God's work and serving God's people. I'm more and more convinced that this is the life I'm programmed for. Now I "just" need to find the community for me, with the help of prayer rather than a sorting hat I suppose.

Can't believe it's almost Christmas. Talk about a whirlwind Advent. And I haven't even decorated or bought presents this year! Glad I decided to simplify, not sure how I would have fit that in!

Taking a break

Tonight I was supposed to hang out with friends for my 4th Christmas potluck in 3 days! Much as I love my friends, the thought exhausted me. I feel like I've been going non-stop for the past two weeks. Going from thing to thing to thing.

So I bailed out of the potluck tonight. Went for a long walk instead and a quiet dinner alone. Saw the neighborhood Christmas lights. Picked up some eggnog at the store. Nice ... Planning to log off soon and just "BE" for a bit.

Tomorrow I'm taking a vacation day from work. Headed up to Seattle to visit with a cool Sister I met at a vocation discernment retreat in October. Should be fun, and hopefully restful in its own way (although still part of this whole process of mine.) Will be back Sunday (where I'm already scheduled to go to a thing and then another thing and then mass. The cycle begins again....)

Peace
Susan

Waiting in Mary-Darkness

At my last spiritual direction appointment my director suggested I spend some time with Mary this Advent. I had just looked at my schedule for December and commented that it looked like I'd have a lot of free time. I checked out some books from the library and hoped to find extra time this Advent for prayer and reflection on my discernment and indeed to spend time with Mary.

My schedule filled up, and you know what they say about good intentions. But then last night, my evening reflection was from the poet Jessica Powers:

I live my Advent in the womb of Mary.
And on one night when a great star swings free
from its high mooring and walks down the sky
to be the dot above the Christus i,
I shall be born of her by blessed grace,
I wait in Mary-darkness, faith's walled place,
with hope's expectance of nativity.

I love that - waiting in Mary-darkness, with hope's expectance of nativity. New life. I could indeed learn a lot from Mary. She said Yes, we know that. But that wasn't the end, it was the beginning. She then waited in expectant hope, living in the present while awaiting the new life of the future. I've said yes to exploring the possibilities religious life may hold for me. That was such a huge decision it seems like that should be it, but's it's the beginning, not the end. Saying yes to exploring doesn't mean I magically have a vocation. There's a lot of waiting, in expectant hope. In Mary-darkness - I like that image. This Advent, by spending time with Mary in the darkness, not only am I not alone, I have a role model to show me the way. Hence the assignment from my spiritual director. I could indeed learn alot from Mary.

Talking to God in the shower.

Do you ever have those days where you're unable to focus at work. Where you have this giant project to tackle which you know is well within the scope of your capabilities, but you just can't seem to make sense of it all or do what needs to be done?

I've been having MONTHS like that at work. Partly I think because my mind has been elsewhere. Hard to focus on my bureaucratic duties today when part of my mind is thinking about all the amazing things in store for me in this cool future I'm discerning.

Today I had an important meeting that I needed to be prepared for. Yesterday I was useless. Everything I did went wrong and for the life of me I couldn't make sense of this project. …

So, I decided to take it to prayer. This morning in the shower (I have the best conversations with God in the shower) I decided to give it all up to God. Both the constant pondering about my future which always seems to be running in the back of my mind AND the work I needed to tackle today. "Today God," the shower conversation went, "I'll let you worry about my future. And I need your help focusing at work and getting ready for this meeting. I can't seem do it on my own."

Lo and behold, what happened when I got to work? Everything that I've been confused about for months made sense. My memo to the attorney essentially wrote itself. I had a breakthrough on another project I've been stuck on. My meeting went well. And I managed to have fun at our Holiday Potluck besides!!!!

A great day. Thanks God!

Pedro Arupe, Belle & Sebastian & Me

I'm one of those folks who was raised Catholic, 12 years of Catholic school, felt alienated and pushed away, left for a long time, and somehow found their way back. Returned catholic, relapsed catholic, recovered Catholic, Catholic-again, whatever you want to call it. To be honest, when I found my way back I was just going along for the ride. Wasn't intending to start going to church again, let alone become the "church geek" that I am today. Or considering a religious vocation for that matter ... I would have said you were crazy!

But it seems that God was calling me into relationship even back then. That must be what drew me back. I was going through old journals the other day from the year 2000. This entry was from about 6 months after I first found my way back to the church:

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm called to have a relationship with God. I can't ignore it. I don't want to ignore it. I'm so excited to see where it takes me. Where I go. Who I meet along the way. What wonderful things I can accomplish with the peace and strength and guidance I get from God and my fellow travellers on earth.

It's interesting to read that entry now. Looking back, I think "Hello, religious vocation anyone?!" but at the time, I was freaked out enough about just being Catholic again! It was really hard for me to trust in something as untangible and ephemeral as the whole God thing. But the more I did just that, trusted in God and opened myself to God's wonderous love, the more this crazy world started to make sense. As the Pedro Arupe quote goes:

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of the bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

How true. Or in the words of those secular theological geniuses (the Scottish pop groud Belle & Sebastian), if you find yourself caught in love, say a prayer to the man above...

If you find yourself caught in love
Say a prayer to the man above
Thank him for everything you know
You should thank him for every breath you blow ...

If you don’t listen to the voices then my friend
You’ll soon run out of choices
What a pity it would be
You talk of freedom don’t you see
The only freedom that you’ll ever really know
Is written in books from long ago
Give up your will to Him that loves you
Things will change, I’m not saying overnight
But something has to give
You’re too good looking not to live

Ok, so the Belle & Sebsastian song is a bit heavy on the masculine God language but there have
been times when this one song sums it all up for me. God's calling me into relationship and it's a relationship of love. If I am able to trust in that love, co-create life with God, then amazing things are bound to happen. The last line is a bit silly (you're too good looking not to live) but in a way it's true. All God's creatures are beautiful and we're all calling into the fullness of life. Sometimes it just takes a giant leap of faith.

Waiting & Patience

Today is the Second Thursday of Advent, a good a time as any to think about waiting. My daily prayer the past few months has been for patience, for the ability to wait in hope as I listen and discern. Tough going at times, as I'm the type who likes to know what I'm doing not only in the moment, but for most of the foreseeable moments ahead of me! I've decided that this Advent I'm meant to be present with the waiting, to feel the tension and the promise of "not yet" and to truly trust in God that all will be well.

I use a few daily "e-tools" for prayer & reflection. One is Sr. Joan Chittister's online Psalm Journal. I'm on week 18, which is from Psalm 37 … "The patient shall inherit the land." Her reflection from Day 2 reminds me:

"Don't worry. God's ways are God's ways. … We don't get the right to give up our efforts, but we are told to let go of our anxiety. Put it all down. Be patient. Begin again tomorrow. Every tomorrow of your life."

Another tool is the Daily Dig e-mail from the folks at Bruderhof Communities. Today's "Dig" is from Henri Nowen (one of my "guides" on this journey):

"Waiting is not a very popular attitude. In fact, most people consider waiting a waste of time. Perhaps this is because the culture in which we live is basically saying, "Get going! Do something! Show you are able to make a difference! Don’t just sit there and wait!" For many people, waiting is an awful desert between where they are and where they want to go. And people do not like such a place. They want to get out of it by doing something."

And yet we are often in such a place. I feel as if I'm in such a place, not an awful desert but definitely a place between where I am and where I feel I'm called to be. But the message I'm getting for now is that THIS IS where I'm supposed to be. Waiting. In hope. And prayer. With God.

Who I'm getting to know

When you spend half your life pretending you don't know what God is talking about, you might wonder when you finally stop and listen .... where do you start? This summer, after we had "the" conversation, my pastor and friend FSB gave me a lovely magazine chock full of full page color ads (and ads of various other sizes and color schemes) which was oddly reminiscent of a college catalog. You can check out Vision online if you don't know what I'm talking about. It was a reminder that it's a BIG church with plenty of room for everyone - lots of variety.

I gravitated more towards the modern, groovy, saving the world type sisters. More my style. It was kind of fun getting information in the mail - again, analagous to looking at colleges. Of course, I was lured out west 15+ years ago by a glossy mailing from my now alma mater Lewis & Clark.

For convenience sake though I ended up contacting two local-ish communities - the Holy Names sisters (hereafter the snjms) and the Sisters of St Joseph of Peace (csjps). Little did I know that my first two stops on this journey might be my last, for now anyway. They're both cool and seem like they might help me to make sense and to make sense of the world. I get a feeling of tremendous potential with both, although I see myself growing differently with each. And that's where I'm at now, getting to know them both, trying to be patient, open to the spirit. I'll admit it's a bit odd though, feels like I'm dating two people. I never was a good juggler, good thing I'm not on my own on this journey.

What it's all about

Hi there! Glad to have you stumble upon my "blog." Funny how big the decision was to create a "discernment blog," considering that the chances of anyone actually reading it (let alone any one I know) are fairly slim. Nevertheless, it just seemed like the thing to do. I've searched the blogsphere myself, looking for the "What should Susan do with her life website" to no avail. I have, however, been lucky enough to stumble upon the stories of others who have been able to stop and listen to what God might be calling them too. I've benefitted from the struggles, the sharing, the hopes, the fears of complete strangers. And so, I figured it was worth the risk to start documenting my own journey in the hopes that it strikes a chord with someone else. Gives someone else the thought that it's not so crazy to listen to that voice deep down inside that won't go away, the idea that maybe there's something more to this life thing. And, hopefully this new form of what is essentially an exhibitionist journal will help me along on this journey of mine.

And what is this journey? The following scripture passage has been very present to me the past few months...

You have been told, O people, what is good, and what Yahweh asks of you: Only this, to act justly, to love tenderly, and to walk humbly with your God. - Michah 6:8

Is it possible that it's really that simple? All I know is that my paying gig as a glorified bureaucrat doesn't seem to be the answer. More and more, I'm inspired and energized not by my "real" job, but by my work volunteer work, my activities working on behalf of social justice and peace. And that work makes the most sense in the context of faith. And so, this past summer I finally decided to give in, to start exploring women's religious communities. In part it was a reality check, to see what religious life is really like in 2004, and also to see if it was for me. I'll admit that the plan was to rule it out as an option (and the jury is still officially out). But once I finally said yes to the journey, I've been pleasantly surprised again and again by the amazing women living this life. The joy, the humor, the unceasing work to help build the kingdom of God. The invitation to act justly, love tenderly, and walk humbly with God is just too good not to at least check out .... and so I am. Stay tuned! Peace, Susan