Our "enlightened" Church strikes again

I just had this news article forwarded to me by a non-Catholic friend. Apparently San Diego Archbishop Richard Brom has ruled that none of the 98 parishes in the diocese are allowed to hold Christian Funeral rites for a Catholic owner of a Gay night club. The man in question, John McCusker, age 31, died Sunday of congestive heart failure while on vacation. His family have been welcomed by the local Episcopal Cathedral so at least he will still have an appropriate send off, although not in his own church.

You really have to wonder what Christ would think about this. I've said this before, but I've always thought that given who Jesus spent time with in the Gospels (the marginalized and "sinners" of his day), I have a feeling that were he to visit the 21st Century American church he'd focus his pastoral energies on our own marginalized gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

I also wonder if our leaders think about how counter productive decisions and publicity like this are to the cause of evangelization. I'm sure there are people planning to join the Church next weekend (gay or straight) who might think twice about their decision when they are confronted with the reality of our church hierarchy, as illustrated by this story.

But what do I know? All I know is that I will be sure to include Mr. McCusker and his family in my prayers this evening.

Feeling better about voting for the dark side

Back in 2000 this daughter of a democratic politician did the unthinkable … I voted for Senator Gordon Smith, a (gasp) republican!!!! At the time I wasn't so excited about his democratic opponent, and it seemed to me that Smith was of good moral fiber and had what it took to be a much needed moderate voice in the Senate. Since then there have been many instances where I have questioned his voting record and thus my judgement.

This morning however I awoke to news on NPR that HE SAVED MEDICAID!!! Or rather, that his brave introduction of an amendment put a wrinkle in the Bush Administration plans to fund their crazy plans to drive the country into the ground on the backs of the most vulnerable - the poor and disabled.

Led by Sen. Gordon Smith, R-Ore., the Senate rejected
a plan to cut growth in Medicaid spending by $14 billion over five years,
dealing a high-profile blow to the president's efforts to cut growth in
entitlement programs.

Smith's amendment passed 52-48, largely on the
strength of unanimous support from Senate Democrats. He was joined by six
moderates in his own party: Lincoln Chafee, R-R.I.; Norm Coleman, R-Minn.; Susan
Collins, R-Maine; Mike DeWine, R-Ohio; Olympia Snowe, R-Maine; and Arlen
Specter, R-Pa.

Smith's amendment would create a 23-member commission
to spend a year studying potential cost-saving reforms to Medicaid, the
federal-state health insurance plan for low-income people.

"We must not abandon or put at risk those who are
most vulnerable in our society before we know the impact of our actions," Smith
in introducing the amendment. "It is imperative that we put sound policy before
budget cuts."

Thanks Gordon! You're a superstar.

Some perspective

Interspersed with my occasional thoughts of "What the hell am I doing" when it comes to this whole discernment thing are more frequent thoughts of how much I hate my job and how happy I'll be when I don't have to come to city hall each and every day to create, interpret and enforce red tape.

Then there's a day like yesterday, when perspective hits you in the face. A number of my co-workers accidentally found out in a public forum that their jobs are on the chopping block in the name of efficiencies and budget savings. I'm all for effective & efficient government, but these are real people with families to support.

I had a dream last night where it was me that was losing my job. And you know what, it was more of a nightmare rather than a dream come true. My prayers this morning were full of thanks for my good fortune. To have a job that pays the bills. Where I can work with good people, do some good and have fun at times as well. And be blessed with the time to discern my future.

As the wise man said in the good book, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Please keep my coworkers and their families in your prayers.

Continuing the blog

I've been struggling with the decision of whether to continue publicly posting my very personal vocation discernment journey in the blogosphere. It's not easy, I'll tell you. And yet it is something that I feel called to do. Hence the struggle. But a visitor to the blog reminded me of why I started this experiment in the first place. My own vocation discernment blog.

I KNOW there are others out there contemplating this counter-cultural choice. Feeling called by Jesus to enter further into relationship. To act justly, love tenderly and walk humbly with God. But it seems so crazy, when you first have those thoughts. Trust me, I know! I'm further along on this journey myself (although still early) but I still have those wonderings and questions.

To know that it is natural, that we can be normal everyday people considering such "crazy" things. That we are not alone. That we are stronger in our virtual togetherness. To get a peek into someone else's experiences and struggles and humanity. I know it helped me, reading others' discernment blogs. And so, thanks to my visitor Sylvia, I'll keep going for now.

The weekend with the groovy sisters was wonderful. Two days of learning, fellowship, liturgy, prayer, discussion and fun. We celebrated 10 Jubilarians. One sister celebrating 75 years as a Sister of St Joseph of Peace. Another 70 years. 3 60 years. And 5 50 years. A combined 575 years of religious life!!!!! We "roasted and toasted" the sisters in a spirit of fun and with much love. It was such a joy to hear a bit about their history, their risks and paths on this journey. To each sister we raised our glasses and said "We give thanks for you, we are blessed by you, and we love you!".

That said, I'm an introvert and I left EXHAUSTED!!! I don't think it was just the 3 hour drive either.

Bye for now. I'll write more later….

Hanging out with the groovy sisters

In case you're wondering, the "groovy sisters" is my code name for the Sisters I'm getting to know (and considering joining) ... the Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace. They are an international congregation with 3 provinces ... one in England/Ireland (where they were started by Margaret Anna Cusack), one on the East Coast in New Jersey, and one on the West Cost in Washington State.

I'm headed up North for the CSJP Spring Province Assembly this weekend. This will be my first community experience since I became a pre-candidate. Should be fun, and hopefully a further confirmation of the rightness of this first step. And as an added bonus, I now have a "box" that I fit into! Rather than being introduced as "This is Susan. She's discerning whether religious life might be for her. Not necessarily with us of course. Although she'd be very welcome. Etc..." It was awkward and confusing. Now I can just be "This is Susan. She's our new pre-candidate."

I'll write more when I get back.

Happy weekend to all who happen upon this blog!
Peace,
Susan
-----------------------------

Updated 8/20/05:

• More posts about the "groovy sisters" aka Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace
  8.09.05 - those mischevious groovy sisters
  7.12.05 - a sister, a captain, chaucer and harry potter
  6.13.05 - Sister Stories Part I
  6.4.05 - A Woman Ahead of Her Time (about founder Margaret Anna Cusack)
  4.6.05 - The More Things Change (a bit of history on vocations)
  

• Read a great article from the Seattle Times about the Sisters - gives a good feel for the spirit of the community and why they're so "groovy"
  
• You can also check out my "Discernment-o-Rama" - a listing of posts about my vocation discernment journey

What kind of mirror am I?

Just got back from my parish reconciliation service. Not to rehash my personal journey here towards reconciliation – that can stay between me, God and the priest.

But some thoughts nonetheless. The examination of conscious really hit me, especially this part:

What kind of witness am I to members of God’s family?
Am I a mirror in which others can see themselves as God’s sees them?
By my words and actions are others drawn closer to God?

Not always, that’s for sure. What a wonderful image to use … am I a mirror, reflecting God’s love? Or am I just reflecting myself back to myself. Sometimes that’s the case. I’ve certainly noticed it lately.
Recognition is the first step I suppose. And prayer. And good friends who can reflect back who I am to me, so that I can work on it.

Letting God be God

Good old Sr. Joan's Psalm Journal says it all for me this week (I'm on week 31): Psalm 46 – "Be still and know that I am God." The reflection is helpful too:

"The condition that the psalm puts on the experience is stillness. We need to experiment with the meaning of that. We have to learn to pause, to simply be still. It's an antidote to letting business become all of life. It's a way to live the active life contemplatively by listening, by simply stopping everything for 60 seconds a day, by quieting ourselves so that we bring gentleness and quiet into a loud and distracted world, by acknowledging interiorly, consciously, often, that God is God in the face of the fact that most of the time we really think we are."

How true. I've been e-mailing with a new friend who is also discerning a vocation. Whereas I find myself in such a positive space about it all right now, she's having a wee case of cold feet and wondering if she's on the right path. I have no doubt that she's on the right path. I think it's more a case of what Sr. Joan talks about.

We get so busy. We fill our minds with our own worries and anxieties. We don't have room for the still quiet voice of God. Even worse, sometimes we forget to let God be God. Like she says, "most of the time we really think we are" God.

It all comes down to trust. I'm writing this to remind myself as much as anything. I know the day will come soon enough when I wonder what the hell I'm doing, contemplating this crazy counter cultural choice. I hope I'll be able to remember to let God be God. God's in charge ... I'm along for the ride.

Punk Rock Nun

Or more accurately I guess, punk rock ex-nun. Or to be even more accurate, fictional ex-nun turned punk rock angst filled woman on TV. Let me explain. I was flipping channels last night and came across Joan of Arcadia. A show I’ve enjoyed the few times I’ve watched it but don’t follow.

On this episode there was a character named Lilly who is apparently a recurring character. Late 20’s or Early 30’s. She’s got streaked hair. Tatoos. Works with "juvenile delinquents." Artistic. She wouldn’t be out of place with the alternative types in my SE Portland neighborhood. And as I discovered after watching the show for a bit … she’s an "ex-nun." A pissed off ex-nun who it appears is mostly pissed off at God.

I’m intrigued. Last weekend I saw a positive portrayal of a Sister on TV. This week we have Lilly. I wonder if the punk-rock style element was a part of her character in her nun days. I hope so .. people should be comfortable being who they are.

It’s also good to see people coming to grips with their demons on TV. From my experience, looking back the times I was most pissed off at God (when my mom was dying) were in a weird way when I was closest to God. Anger is a pretty intimate feeling.

All in all it’s got me working on a version of the Dead Milkmen’s song Punk Rock Girl…

Punk Rock Nun
You’re pissed off at God
Punk Rock Nun
And you’re dressed so mod
Let’s go change the world
Just you and me Punk Rock Nun

Funerals and Miracles

Funerals. I went to a funeral today for my friend Margaret. Margaret died after a long battle with cancer. Margaret also faced many obstacles and "sufferings" in her life. But she did so with grace. She did so with hope. She did so with joy. A twinkle in her eye. One of her coworkers who gave a eulogy at the service summed Margaret up. You always felt better after an encounter with Margaret. She looked you in the eye and radiated the love of Christ. I didn't know Margaret well but I am a better person because I knew her at all. Funerals are for the living. Today felt like yet another gift from Margaret. She is at peace, and wants us to be at peace as well.

Miracles. I don't know what I think about miracles. I'm dubious. And yet I believe. I don't know .... But there's been something I've been praying for lately. Something that would remove a lot of obstacles for me. Yesterday someone told me that she was going to start praying for a miracle. For another person to have a change of heart who can help remove this obstacle. Then, today, I get an e-mail that this person has had a change of heart. Coincidence? No matter what I think about miracles, I'm starting to think there are no such thing as coincidences where God is concerned.

Food for thought.

I'm now on the Alliance for Moderate, Liberal and Progressive blogs. Which means people might actually read this blog now. Not sure how I feel about that.....

Happiness and discernment

I was talking with a work friend who I've clued into my whole discernment process. She made the comment that I seem really at peace and happy with this direction and my decision to start pre-candidacy. I agreed that I am.

She then said something that kind of blew me away. "In the 7 years I've known you, you've never been as happy as you have these past 6 months. You're a completely different person."

You know what, I am. And what's been going on these past 6 months? Spiritual direction, reflection and discernment about just what God is calling me to. Who God is calling me to be. Tha closer I get to that it seems, the happier I am.

I'm early on the journey, but the process seems natural and organic. Like it's meant to be. I met with my spiritual director this morning and she agreed. I've been opening to the spirit. The change and movement has been gradual and building.

And I'm sure will continue that way. How cool is that. Maybe I'll become happier and happier?

Brothers & Sisters to Us

In 1979 the US Bishops came out with their landmark pastoral statement on Racism, Brothers & Sisters to Us. The latest Pax Christi USA newspaper Catholic Peace Voice has some good reflections on the 25th anniversary. I also put together a newsletter for my own parish Peace & Justice Commission.

I fear it will be a long time before the Church grows in its understanding and appreciation of another group of our brothers & sisters … the gay and lesbian community. A very complex issue. One thought I have, which I actually heard somewhere recently. Since Jesus made such a point of reaching out to the marginalized in society (tax collectors, prostitutes, the Samaritan woman at the well last week) wouldn't it make sense that if he visited our church today, he'd minister to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters?

Check out this piece on the Busted Halo site … it's an interview with an anonymous gay priest.
Also this controversial blog entry about the Pope's recent statements on gay marriage.

What will it take for us to move to love and compassion and open and honest dialogue?

All I can think to do is pray. For the WHOLE human family.

Praying for peace amidst chaos

Tuesday mornings this Lent I'm spending in Portland's Pioneer Square praying for peace with my local Pax Christi Chapter. For half an hour we stand in silent prayer in this busy downtown square as buses go by and office workers rush through with their lattes in hand. That was the plan anyway. We didn't factor in the added element of the proliferation of leaf blowers. Not one or two, but three or four. Loud engines blowing leaves and litter here and there while we stand in a circle near a sandwich board sign that says "Join us in silent prayer for peace."

You'd think it would be distracting, the cacophony of leaf blowers and engines. And to some extent it is. But in a way it's soothing - like a chorus of "ohms." And my friend Rosemary and I decided this morning, fitting. We decided upon this Lenten practice to be in solidarity with the Christian Peacemaker Teams in Iraq. So, just as ordinary Iraqis and their friends are committed to peace amidst the chaos of war and reconstruction, we are in solidarity praying for peace amidst the chaos of urban life.